So, what’s next… when the past has taught you all that it can?
I’ve been feeling for the last few weeks that it is
imperative that I start looking forward instead of rehashing the past. While useful information is there in days
gone by, I’ve also found that the loop won’t carry me into the future.
I’ve been working awfully hard on finding who I am now.
Back in my college days, I had this amazing professor for
Psych 101. We discussed our own private
utopia. In essence, all humans have a
set number for their thermostat. If I
like the temperature on the thermostat set to 68 degrees, all other
temperatures will feel uncomfortable.
This has become very apparent to me this last week as my oldest daughter
and I battled over the temperature of my house.
Sometimes I wondered if she was going though perimenopause instead of
me. I turned the temp up for her… only
to be met with, “I’m so sweaty and every room is too hot.” So, I turned it down.
After visiting my past and scoring over 10 million frequent
flyer miles for doing so, I noticed that I don’t have to scrap everything and
start over. There are still many things
that make up my utopia today. But there
are some things new that have come forward.
I also decided that this isn’t my ride alone. I have 3 younger ones with me on this trip
into the future. We had a beautiful conversation
about what we want our future days to look like. I found it comical that they reflected my own
thoughts on many things. I was also surprised about their ideas on other things.
I should add some framing for context first… I have been
practicing surrender at an accelerated pace.
The biggest piece to this is radical understanding that NO ONE is coming
to save me, I may never find love again… not romantically anyway… and I am okay
with that. The amount of Peace I have in
my life presently… someone would have to be awfully special to allow them into
this space ever again. I still have
hope, but I haven’t put my eggs into that basket. My children have noted several men that are
in my day-to-day life that MAY carry feelings for me, but I am completely
oblivious. I try to tell them, if I have
to ask others if that’s true, that is confusion… I don’t want any part of that
anyway.
Their idea is somewhat rooted in the Brady Bunch. Each child has asked for a step-brother or
sister their age. HA!
They also want to make sure that the next guy spoils me
rotten and can talk to me without yelling.
I almost cried on that one. It
means they saw it too, and I’m sorry to them for that one.
We have collectively decided to tighten up the budget so
that we can afford to travel – they’ve always wanted to take a ride on an
airplane and splash in the ocean. I am
on board with this one.
We talked about taking advantage of experiences rather than
stuff… This made my heart happy.
Sometimes the work is harder to drop the baggage you carry
and have been carrying for so long than it is just keep carrying it.
It occurred to me that maybe, our own private utopia may not
always be things that are “good” for us – just things that are comfortable for
us… like the temperature on the thermostat.
My questions to myself as I try to fashion my way forward are,
what other things have I adopted because they are comfortable for me? I’ve abandoned myself for so long in so many
places… what else truly lands on that list?
Where do I stay quiet to keep a connection?
When do I give freely without being asked?
When do I feel more like myself, even when it’s awkward?
When do my shoulders drop genuinely?
What environments allow my breath to deepen naturally?
What kind of love would require me to stop proving?
What would it feel like to be chosen without the non-stop
auditioning?
AND, if I trusted that my aging body is not a liability,
what would I stop apologizing for?
The list of questions could keep going, but I think this is
a great start. Finding my new utopia, my
new thermostat setting is fun. There are
some things about myself that I forgot I enjoy.
Small comforts that make my heart open just a bit more and help me to
realize that time plays no role in the understanding of self and living
authentically. It helps to make
boundaries easier with myself and towards others.
While we have plans to travel… I would like to think of my
future less of a destination and more as the direction my nervous system now
recognizes as home.
In my next chapter, comfort will look quieter. It won’t have
to be louder or shinier, but it will absolutely be less braced. I’m learning to trust this life that doesn’t
require CONSTANT vigilance and walking on eggshells. I am looking forward to the softness. My next
chapter, while my imagination runs wild, understands that my biggest win lives
inside of me, it always has … but now has room to breathe.
In my next chapter, love knows where to find me. It won’t be confusion or anger… it won’t be
dismantling or controlling. Gratefulness
for this spectacular life is my top priority, through highs and lows and all
that in between. I look forward to the
slowness that creates space to feel and not just react. I’m excited for the truth of who I am in this
world allowed to emerge in this stillness…
This new season… new chapter feels so much more different
than anything I have ever started in my life.
It feels genuinely authentic and intentional. Not a destination… direction.
This week was so busy. But it was really good. I think including my children and allowing
them to understand that their happiness and wellbeing is a big part of my own
private utopia made a big difference. I
was checking my kiddo’s homework before he stuffed it into his backpack… One of
the questions he had to answer about the reading he did was, “How can you
relate this character to your own life experience?” His answer was, “There are super heros in it
and my mom is my Super hero.”
Some days the universe delivers the perfect temperature.
