The realization that the last 27 years of my life has most likely been a karmic festival of pain... and understanding that I am still nowhere close to what I have desired all this time... has been the biggest heartbreak for me. I've had to own my part in the masks I've worn, the truth I've shelved, and the acts of making myself small to be loved and still not in receipt of that connection. I've had to step it up... How will I even know what to look for if I haven't found it within my own core?
Today during my shower, I softly brushed conditioner through my hair instead of the tugging, yanking and quick work I usually preform. When I washed my body, I paid special attention to any achy bits, ticklish bits and parts that needed extra attention. After the shower, I massaged my daily oil into my skin paying attention to the warmth and feel of each part. The texture, how soft, how bony, how lovely. I smiled at myself in the mirror and told myself how gorgeous I am... something 2 years ago would have been the most silly and selfish thing for me to do. Each step was a quiet offering to myself—care, presence, reverence.
What I do fully understand is that my unwillingness to say, "No, no more," has allowed for deep trauma from the years of self-abandonment, emotional neglect and failure to be seen as a human being. I've also picked up sexual trauma to boot... and the blame lies upon on my shoulders for not being able to stand firm in the love for MYSELF. I chased a man with commitment issues for nearly 3 decades just to prove to him that I was loveable instead of spending that time knowing, without a doubt, that I needed to prove nothing to anyone but myself.
I have also learned that the things that drew me to him in the beginning were parts of me that needed to be awakened. And the things that repelled me were line items on the list I've always needed to work on MYSELF. Two years deep into therapy, and so far, it’s working. I can set boundaries without worrying how I will be perceived or who will I lose. If someone can't respect those boundaries, then they don't need to be in my bubble. Can't handle radical truth? Or the fact that I am going to keep showing up for myself and shining as brightly as I can? It's okay, I'm not for everyone. And I never needed to be.
I've also learned that I almost always see the very best in people first. Their energy and their heart. But I've come to realize that not everyone operates at the same level of awareness and may not know their own light. I have a tendency to mold people and keep people based on their potential rather than their patterns. Just as I had found myself looping around wanting to be expansive and keeping myself small enough to hold the peace, they too may be in their own loop. Let them. Let them show you at what level they are operating and believe them. Don't wish them into what you know they are capable of. Some people just aren't that ready to be their authentic self.
I allowed some truly horrifying, terrible things to happen to me over a 27-year span always rationalizing it as "Unconditional Love." But it wasn't. It was always my invitation for him to see me as a human deserving of his love and attention, as well as a call for him to step into his divine masculine energy, that he never once accepted. The first time that needed to happen should have been the last time. Life is too short and too precious.
I take the responsibility for all of this. But I also forgive myself. My NEED for someone to see me as I am, blinded me for so long. As I read through old blog posts, I can see I was almost there... here, where I am today. And if nothing but for posterity, I may be further along in another 10 years.
So, for today—and however long it takes—I welcome no one romantically into my sphere until I’ve reunited fully with myself: mind, body, and spirit. I finally know what I don’t want. And more importantly, I’m beginning to trust what I do. I know that when ready, I don't expect to be healed entirely... healing isn't linear, it’s more like the spiral staircase... sometimes someone on the 2nd floor shouts up to you on the 12th floor and you have to backtrack... I'm cool with that. Romantic love will have to check all of the boxes, however, because of this knowing of what I have ALWAYS wanted... And when the day comes that I meet love again—it will not be to crack myself open for someone else. It will be because I’ve already cracked open for myself.
XOXO
Pamela
