Love after the apocalypse....

Knowledge, Love and Beauty existed before I did.  All books, waiting to be cracked open.  What I didn't realize was that egoism is animalistic... ingrained... wild.  Think about it.  Dogs, when in groups, have to have an alpha.  Sometimes they fight to hang in the front.  Sometimes they just accept it.  Either way, it's all ego driven.

Today I watched a 21 gun salute... Marines in full dress uniform folding a flag and handing it to my friend.  She lost her husband in the war before he died in car accident on Saturday.  Besides that cruel fact, I led him to believe on Friday that life is full of second chances.  To give it time to breath and heal.  Sometimes we do, I should have said.  Sometimes we don't....

Today I watched a family, not unlike my own, face struggles that only his death could bring.  Death does strange things to people.  Sometimes they act outward.  Sometimes inward.  Sometime out of knowledge, love and beauty.  Sometimes not.

What needed to be said today wasn't.  And it was a sad show of how short life really is.  We have this one shot, usually in the dark... and rarely does it go absolutely right... especially when we forget that Knowledge, Love and Beauty existed before we did.  Most often because we allow that wild child, ego, to run the show.

He's run my life a time or two.  I'm very familiar with him.  But I also know what is in my heart.  Seeing all the friends that I saw today... made me realize just how awesome my life has been thus far.  Each one of them is a thread in my fabric life.  They have each touched my heart in different ways.  And I love them - who they were and what they have become.  And it doesn't stop there!  The last 4 months, especially, I have hung out with many special people in my life to include family, old friends and new ones.  My heart is so big, as of late, I feel like it's going to explode!

I have to be honest and true to that enormous ticker of mine.  I pray that I always feel more overwhelmed, as I do today, with love rather than shamed by ego.  I only have this one chance... this one shot in the dark.  I may miss my mark.  But who cares, really.  I love... and am loved.

I sent Him an email and he responded in kind.  I've been working on filling out the paperwork to have the restraining order removed.  As I watch my beautiful friend have to say good-bye to the man that will always have ahold of her heart, I realized that I very well could be my own worst enemy sometimes.  Sometimes not.... He has been helpful, grateful and pleased.

I feel like I am living in Plato's divided line.  Although I can only see the shadows, reflections and representations... there will be clearness in the obscurity.  One day I will understand things.  One day I will appreciate more.  AND Even after the apocalypse, love surrounds.

The Moth vs. The Candle

Longing for the tepid day,
But destined nocturnal.
Seeks out the next best thing.
His heaven on Earth.
Born to give love,
But only moments to accomplish.
Using his ordinary celestial navigation,
To fly his straight and true path,
Yet distracted by the light vibration,
Hones in on fallacious physiology.
That which he loves so much,
It attracts him,
That wretched flame!
He has no will power.
He judges not.
Jejune ideas of lasting sweetness.
Humble belief of inherent goodness.
And simply bemoans.
That which he loves so much,
Would ever burn so deeply.
Devoid of thoughts on dying,
Turns direct to sizzle fry,
In the candle’s affectionate flame...

~Mme. Pamela McCreight 2010~

Thanks, Will, for the inspiration - now and always.

Dreams of Love...

It was cold, I could feel it.  Most likely due to the open windows blowing the fall air in on my lifeless bag of bones.... It was dim, at first I thought it was candle light.  When my eyes adjusted he was sitting on a wicker couch, cushions long stored for the winter.  I had no idea where I was at I just knew I was outside... never seen it before. There was snow everywhere.... and snow falling every once in a while.  But when I looked up I could see the stars.   He was talking to me, telling me about his day.  Occasionally he would pause and call me a pretty lady, that's what he used to call me.... it wasn't special or unique... that's what he calls most beautiful women.  He had the raspy "Big Daddy" voice going... like he always did when he was tired or when he was sick.  I remember fighting every urge to go and sit next to him and just squeeze him.  Rory showed up and acted like nothing was unusual... and all of this was so strange to me... I didn't understand how that little boy could be so jovial and lighthearted considering the setting.  Rory gave his loves to him and went and played... I finally figured out the lighting - he was playing under a well lit Christmas Tree... no ornaments, just millions of bright little white lights and a big luminous star on top.  When I looked back to him, he was right in front of me.  He told me he missed me and he was sorry.  He was crying.  He said he wanted to curl up under the Christmas Tree with Rory and I and be a family for a little while.  I remember telling him it was way too cold, we would freeze and die.  Just then, my mom showed up with these big soft white fleece blankets and fluffy pillows.  She said it would be good for me, she always loved laying under the Christmas Tree.  She set her load down, hugged me and walked away.  I looked back to him and he was right in my face.  He grabbed me around my waist, pulled me close, kissed me, then picked me up in his arms and started walking towards the tree.

Then I woke up.... damn alarm.

I woke up in tears with a longing in my belly for something real... and disappointed... and a bit depressed.  Mostly, I want to know what my subconscious is trying to tell me.

And he said to her...

"Can you tell me why men love to see women in high heels?"

He glanced into the room full of party people trying to find a tasteful woman in high heels to answer such a silly question.

"It's simple really, when a woman wears heels it adds more contour to her leg... and the bottom of the 'S' curve in her back... well, it's more noticeable... see?"  As she sliped on her teal and black tiger striped heels and turned her contorted posture around for his viewing pleasure.  "I've never understood why... it's so sexual.  When love takes place it shouldn't be because of the facsade.  It's all exterior..."

"And you're one of those girls who believes that love is spiritual in nature?  That romance is still alive?  That men AREN'T visual creatures?"

It was that very moment that she realized that no matter how hard she tried, she was destined to play the game.  She could work on her very core, but the only one it pleases is her, it seems.  Her life would be a mucky mess of lipstick, eyeliner, tweezers, soft black #1 hair dye, curling irons, padded bras, garters, the gym, food to feed a mouse and fat free low carb beverages (with or without alcohol.)  All for what?  For cavemen style grunts as she walked into a room?  For empty promises and failed relationships?  There has to be more to this than just the exoteric manifestations that men have grown to love...

It took her back to one point in time.... maybe a few actually.  The beginning of every major relationship she's endured over the years.  The loving glances and gentle strokes that made her feel like a walk under the cherry blossoms on a warm spring day... new, melted and beautiful.  But just like that amazing springtime show, that feeling never really lasted long.  And it always seemed harrowing to reignite those fanciful flames.  She knew in her heart and the depths of her soul that love should never be so hard.  When things work, like the toaster calmly browning whole grain goodness to perfection, it's never that difficult.  Was this a quixotic paradigm?  To want something that just works?  Love should never be so laborious.  Or should it? 

Love never leaves... it stains the heart, she thought.  She could recount special moments.  Moments in time that were engraved upon her soul.  Moments that she could recall in her brain as if they just happened.  Like her high school sweetie and the tickle contention that resulted in a broken bed, smashed lamp and the hottest make out session this side of the Mississippi.  Perhaps that stabbing twenty-something love affair that single-handedly brought her into womanhood.  He was passionate and funny.  Her sides still hurt from laughter... and maybe being tied up a little too long in that exact position.  That man that she married one day, he used to make her moxie swell... adventurous, yet safe, and tender.  She traded him in for the grubby exciting motorbike rider.  Crazy locks that blew in the wind is exactly how that boy made her soul feel; free and wild.  That silly girl traced back her steps to find herself in the arms of her beloved, again.  The one that made her feel most like a human.  The one that she felt most like herself when in his presence.... All the sweet moments came rushing in like a high tide.

These loves ended many different ways.  Sometimes her fault.  Sometimes not.  All like a toaster on the fritz.  Burning that blueberry bagel into something reminiscent of a vulcanized rubber disc commonly used for ice hockey.  Any way you look at it, none were easy. None were easy, especially one.  Quietly walking away was the hardest on her heart.  He was the one that she shared everything with, good or bad.   And the end cut deeper than any blade could burrow.  Even though these loves have ended, they have never left.  Instead they turned into mental stumbling blocks.  They made her very careful not to make the same mistakes again.  Although ended, these loves still tugged at her heart.  They made her yearn for more of those moments. Unforgettable moments that made it all worthwhile.

He looked at her in her thoughtful stupor and decided it was time to bring her back to Earth.  "I like it when you have no make-up on and your hair frizzy and matted first thing in the morning."  He patiently waited, watching her body language to detect her reception of such an odd comment.  "I like it when you giggle to yourself, when you have an obnoxious cliche saying for just about every occurrence, when you speak your own language..." Frantically adding more seemed like a good idea, "You are gorgeous to me, inside and out."

"How is that possible, I'm not wearing my heels."  She smiled, thinking another moment might just be transpiring.

"I've seen enough of your heels..."

  

Jump to Sink or Swim...

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you have been holding out waiting for the stock to rise? The river to fall?  The best time to buy?  Or when to say - hey, you are exactly what I've been looking for?

Dating.  I've never really liked it.  I'm a one man kinda gal... that's all there is to it.  Although I have enjoyed my run of free dinners and fine company... It's getting really old already.  I know, I know... poor me - it's been nearly 6 months... I've been hanging out with one guy anyway - and he's been great for me.

Since May, I have been trying my darnedest to cut the bullshit victim act.  I am not comfortable with it and it doesn't suit my personality.  I've been trying to see things from different angles and the lighter shades of grey.   I've been trying to see my life through different eyes - and the eyes of others - and they eyes of my soul - and the eyes of God.  I know I'm a good seed, despite what I've been told in the past.  In every situation, I've done the very best that I could, and I've made the best decisions for me at the time.... I've been trying to be less judgmental about the things that have happened, because there is nothing I can do about it now... just learn and move along. 

Last Saturday I sat looking at this man with sheer amazement, wonder and awe.  Something clicked in my noggin... something perfect and fresh and inspiring.  We were just talking... I felt, for the first time in a long time, that I am exactly where I ought to be.  To find someone that is gentle and sweet and funny... creative and soft and masculine that sends my soul from here to the moon and back...and my heart racing a million miles a minute... It's thrilling to say the very least. He doesn't mind my random stupid cliches or my goofy ramblings and witty puns.  He makes me think... makes me pause... lets me jump to my conclusions - but brings me back to reality.  My parents like him... the kid likes him... and I like him.

So I was hangin out with this kid tonight and what I wanted to say instead of, "I really like you -- a lot!" was so out of my comfort zone.... that I didn't spill the beans.  I love my cushion... my padded room... and occasionally my straight jacket.  But I don't have this looming feeling that I've had (seems like) forever that there is something else out there for me to investigate.  I feel like there is no room for anyone else as I build up this (despite my every urge to fight it - it is) relationship.  I've grown so fond of him that I can't wait another minute to see him, touch him, smell him (and his cigars! HA) and just be.

I feel like myself whether I am with him or not.  That is a feeling I have never had.  Even if it was conjured feelings I laid out in my own mind, I've always felt like I had to live up to some sort of image that others had of me.  I know I can't give him all the credit... but sometimes, the universe just smiles on you - and delivers exactly what you need.

Don't get me wrong... I'm jumping off this deco diving board in slow-mo with my big toe extended to check the water temp before the full on cannon ball.... (it makes the biggest splash.)  But I feel like a million dollars right now - and I'm not ready to give it up.

Sink or swim - I'm grateful for the experience.

Making my life my own...

Seems quite simplistic... But how do you construct your ideal without leaving others behind in the dust bewildered and confused?  I am a very goal oriented woman.  I like to have a master plan... and try to follow it to some extent.  You would think that I would learn by now that plans were made to be broken and things normally don't go as planned.

I finally finished my Mastery of Love book this last week.  So many thoughts pinging around in my head.  The book and aligned stars took me through my past... past goods, past bads... and forced me to look at things without my perceived notions.  I realized one important thing.... whatever happened back then is no longer my truth.  What I am doing now, this moment, this very day is my truth.  So what am I gonna do?

Well... I have been resisting relationships for the last many moons.  I have felt that I needed my own space and time to remember who I am.  I've been jumping from ship to ship... never landing on shore and becoming grounded for far too long.  I have had an amazing 5 months...I have done so many things... some of which I have never tried nor thought of... I've met so many cool people... made some good new friends... rekindled old friendships... restored my mother child relationship with das kiddo... found renewed faith in my spirituality AND made some drastic changes inside (mostly) and out.  When I look in the mirror - I have no idea where I'm at or how I got here... but here isn't so bad.  Not to say that I don't yearn for a love in my life that will knock my socks off... I still do even more so.

So I have this really great guy I've been hanging around with... Bless his big ol' heart... he is probably so confused by me.  One day I'm with it... next, not so much.  We've had this conversation: Not sure where this is going, but not willing to define it - lets just have some fun.  But we have established that we are dating.  I'm being selfish really.  He's fricken awesome.  And, this evening as I cooked an amazing meal for the whole famn damily to celebrate my parent's 37th wedding anniversary, he pops off with some comment to the tune of, "you sure are going to make a great wife someday!" (betcha my X-husband wouldn't agree!) HAHAHAHA... I wanted to run and hide.  (also very strange - my psychic buddy said something along these lines to me today regarding this very gentleman - kinda threw me for a loop.)  Today was a me day.  Tomorrow... probably is too (not sure yet.) 

The thing about making your own life - molding something truthful and believable from ashes - is learning that nothing is certain except the vibrations of your very own soul.  Finding peace, joy and love within yourself before you are EVEN able to pass some of it along to others efficiently.... not an easy task, yo!  In order for me to feel comfortable in "relationship" status ever again - I am going to have to be absolutely comfortable with where and who I am.  I keep reminding myself that I am unstoppable....and it's all up from here!  I can and will do this... I will have my magical little fairytale one day... I know it.

Truth be told...

When I think really hard.... when I think way back.... I cannot actually pinpoint the time that my heart jumped off that diving board into the deep blue sea of love.  Was it in High School? - Hartman's epic art class where I made many lifelong friends... and so many memories that I carry with me as if it happened just happened moments ago.  Was it that day at the radio station? - where one tiny thought of him turned into a monumental snowball...  Sometimes I can clearly remember - Birmingham 6 in the CD player, pulled up at the Taco Bell drive-thru... I remember him looking at me and smiling and asking me "Same as usual?"  Then he promptly and accurately ordered my dinner.  Not such a big deal, but only weeks in and the second time at the joint together... seemed pretty awesome.  Maybe it was him, standing in my kitchen in his red Calvin Klein underwear eating a bowl of Coco Puffs before we went to bed, being silly and making me laugh.  Maybe it was further down the road... We had one really long weekend together before we split the first time... It was cold, snowy and there were video games to be played.  I specifically remember wishing that it wouldn't come to an end.  And this last go around... The last three years of my life, there were many scattered moments where my heart pounded for only him.  When he would work with Rory on his homework.  Or Saturday morning breakfasts.  Or any morning before he would go to work - where it was just he and I being quiet holding each other.

Truth is I have a million years worth of love in my heart for him.  And days like today, I feel empty, lost and broken.  I had some weird dream last night where I re-lived every break-up that we ever went through.  But his brother was there trying to cheer me up and make me laugh about them all.  I woke up feeling rejected and sad.  I woke up wondering what I really lost in the fire. I woke up begging God to tell me what I am supposed to learn through all of this because all I feel is hurt.  I feel like I've gained nothing and lost everything, including myself.  I have spent the last several months pushing him out and hating him.  But it was a faulty cover-up for what is honestly in my heart.

I also realize through all of this that my relationship was far from healthy.  Some things were my doing.  I don't communicate well.  Any time I screw up or any time I'm misunderstood or any time something seems Ovidian I run and hide like an escapee from the warden.  I guess I figure that my brain will think about it, solve the problem and get back to ya.... I let my emotions find their settling point - I have to weigh my gut, my ego and my soul's honest feelings on the matter - and I certainly can't get that done with pushing.  It's who I am.  It's how I've been.  It's something that I work on every day of my life... but seem to get nowhere fast.  I know that my insecurities about my own self played a huge role.  And the fact that he KNEW about what bothers me the most about myself - heightened that precariousness. 

I spent 10 years away from him, loving him and the idea of him whilst on this hiatus.  When we finally came back together - he was different than the perception that I had of him.... but so was I.  I found myself comparing old him to new him.  He couldn't live up to himself.... my acumen wouldn't budge no matter what I told myself.  My reality became skewed and judgmental.  I forgot what it was that I loved about him.  It wasn't anything more than the way my soul felt at peace when I was with him.  I never cared that much how crappy he could be to me when he was having a bad day... when my soul was seeing and not my ego.  My ego often over-looked many of the good things because it was still pissed about some of the bad things.  He was my home.  And yes, he was human - just like me.

Things went horribly south when two people who love each other tried to bring two separate realities together, each with their own perversions and habits.  I have no doubts in my mind that he loved me just as deeply as I love him.  I have no doubts in my mind that if given stronger legs to stand on and clear heads - it would have worked out just fine.  But today... now... I need to just work on releasing that energy and love to the heavens... This kind of thing happens all the time.  People sometimes, no matter how hard they try, just can't make it work.

As for some of the things that happened during the tenure of "US"... my ego has to let go of it.  It doesn't matter anymore.  I can no longer hold on to it because it does me absolutely no good, despite what most people tell me.  What happened, although out of line, had it's place in my worldly experiences.  That's his demon to fry - not mine.... I don't own that one.

As for the restraining order... I've been contemplating having it removed.  I feel like it's a big black mark floating out there in the universe - for him and for me.  I haven't needed it, I never really wanted it, and it's served its purpose.  I feel like I am strong enough now to understand this better and know how to say enough is enough.  Time has been kind enough to allow me to break old habits - they say it takes 8 weeks...

I forgive him.... I forgive me.

Truth be told... It's the best thing - especially for me.