Seems quite simplistic... But how do you construct your ideal without leaving others behind in the dust bewildered and confused? I am a very goal oriented woman. I like to have a master plan... and try to follow it to some extent. You would think that I would learn by now that plans were made to be broken and things normally don't go as planned.
I finally finished my Mastery of Love book this last week. So many thoughts pinging around in my head. The book and aligned stars took me through my past... past goods, past bads... and forced me to look at things without my perceived notions. I realized one important thing.... whatever happened back then is no longer my truth. What I am doing now, this moment, this very day is my truth. So what am I gonna do?
Well... I have been resisting relationships for the last many moons. I have felt that I needed my own space and time to remember who I am. I've been jumping from ship to ship... never landing on shore and becoming grounded for far too long. I have had an amazing 5 months...I have done so many things... some of which I have never tried nor thought of... I've met so many cool people... made some good new friends... rekindled old friendships... restored my mother child relationship with das kiddo... found renewed faith in my spirituality AND made some drastic changes inside (mostly) and out. When I look in the mirror - I have no idea where I'm at or how I got here... but here isn't so bad. Not to say that I don't yearn for a love in my life that will knock my socks off... I still do even more so.
So I have this really great guy I've been hanging around with... Bless his big ol' heart... he is probably so confused by me. One day I'm with it... next, not so much. We've had this conversation: Not sure where this is going, but not willing to define it - lets just have some fun. But we have established that we are dating. I'm being selfish really. He's fricken awesome. And, this evening as I cooked an amazing meal for the whole famn damily to celebrate my parent's 37th wedding anniversary, he pops off with some comment to the tune of, "you sure are going to make a great wife someday!" (betcha my X-husband wouldn't agree!) HAHAHAHA... I wanted to run and hide. (also very strange - my psychic buddy said something along these lines to me today regarding this very gentleman - kinda threw me for a loop.) Today was a me day. Tomorrow... probably is too (not sure yet.)
The thing about making your own life - molding something truthful and believable from ashes - is learning that nothing is certain except the vibrations of your very own soul. Finding peace, joy and love within yourself before you are EVEN able to pass some of it along to others efficiently.... not an easy task, yo! In order for me to feel comfortable in "relationship" status ever again - I am going to have to be absolutely comfortable with where and who I am. I keep reminding myself that I am unstoppable....and it's all up from here! I can and will do this... I will have my magical little fairytale one day... I know it.
I learned an important lesson when I divorced my first husband, a lesson only my wonderful hubby now could have taught me. It's wonderful to love wholeheartedly, to give your best to people you love. The key is to not lose yourself in the process. Women tend to do this more than men, I think, especially women with big hearts and/or submissive tendencies. I happen to be both. I love readily, I'm far too trusting, and I tend to give over my personality along with my heart. I don't give my soul away anymore, and my husband doesn't require that of me.
ReplyDeleteThis time has been good for you...defining who you are is a big deal. But remember, you're a woman :-). Who you are will change, sometimes slowly over time, sometimes in the blink of an eye, and THAT'S OK! It's a sign that you are flexible and willing to grow. You deserve happiness, and any man worth your time and effort will get this, and respond accordingly.
Hugs to you! You are beautiful and strong, and you can and will do anything you set your mind to! Anytime you doubt it, take a look at that precious little boy you brought into the world, and are guiding daily. He's the proof in the pudding :-).
Awe... thanks sista! You and I are a lot alike it sounds...
ReplyDeleteThat's all I want right now - sweet time to figure me out. Get me back. I'm feeling pretty good about it currently - believe it or not. But I'm discovering I'm not exactly the same as I was before.... But it's okay.