The best gift....

Okay, so there was a bit of speculation as to what I would be getting this year for Christmas (yes - I am telling the story).... And it goes like this.  In the course of usual conversation SOMEONE asked about the procedure pertaining to engagement rings.  In other words, we were having a normal conversation and my boyfriend randomly (and out of context) asked my how the deal works.... does the girl go with you to pick it out... do you just pick it out and hope for the best?  An odd topic a few weeks before Christmas.  And one, confirmed by the CSFAC handyman who happened to bump into today's discussion with the girls at work, that a man just doesn't talk about.  They talk about football, farts and that cute girl with the big perky breasts at the 5 and 9..... but most definitely, not about engagement rings unless they are thinking about them.  Which is what I assumed... but figured that it was nothing but a mere passing thought.  We've had this discussion before.  And, I was pretty sure we were on the same page... but this caused one raised eyebrow.

So rewind - I sent my boss (and now boyfriend's boss too) an email wishing her a very merry Christmas... got a reply which stated "Can't wait to see your ring!"  Which had me promptly texting boyfriend to see if he said anything to boss lady about what he got me for Christmas... and HIS reply was - "I can neither confirm nor deny..."  (Boss lady messes with me all the time.  She had Matt and I married off 5 months ago after meeting him the first time.)

"SHIT!" is what I said out loud... not because it's a bad thang... I just had some serious thinking to do - just in case.  Just in case!  What would I say?  Because I love this man to the moon.  But we've only been seriously dating for a few months.  I had to completely leave my head out.... What does my heart say? 

I flipped backwards through the pages of my life....  I thought back to when I was married before.  Why did I say yes then?  How did I feel at that moment in time?  What about knowing someone fully... can you ever really know someone?  Where do you even begin to understand the complexity of the issue?  The sensitive nature of maintaining individuality while combining lives and keeping the flames afire... it's not easy.  And it becomes an even bigger chore when you make a bad choice.  Before, I was a heartbroken weak individual.  I was ready to just get my life going.  And I had hit a low spot in the road.  I was a square peg in a round hole in my last marriage.  It never fit exactly... even from the beginning.  I could never get comfortable... I couldn't be myself... but I said YES because I saw a safe and prosperous future.... I just assumed I would assimilate and all would work out.  When I think of it - it was like the difference of a wild animal being caught and caged in a zoo -vs- a zoo born animal residing at the zoo... there is an uncomfortable discongruity.  For this I am not proud.  People got hurt.  But I also reserve the right of immaturity.  I was only 21. 

I flipped forward a few pages... what is it that I really want in my life -  really.  To be myself. To be accepted for who I am.  To have a partner in crime, a best friend, a lover, an undying support system. 

Can I truly apply this to my present situation?  I'm not in this relationship because it doesn't fit and I'm determined to make it.  I'm not here out of convenience.   I'm in this because my heart and head and soul are present, humbled, adored and nurtured.  I want to be exactly where I am.  I am accepted as I am.... by one of the greatest friends I have known.... It's early though.  I can't imagine what a united front this will be in months or in years...and it's exciting.  We also haven't been in a fight yet... a few months in and no reason to fight.  THAT IS A FIRST FOR ME! 

So I didn't get a ring.... for which I was glad.  I know what I would say, now... at least.  (But I'm not telling you...)  And my best gift this year.... a ring that I didn't receive that allowed me to live deeply in my PRESENT.

Pardon, savez-vous Francais?

Je veux jeter la lumière!

Je veux être le soleil!

Je veux être la chaleur!

Un jour froid d'hiver!

Une couverture de amour pour mon aimé!

Translation: I want to be the light, I want to be the sun, I want to be the warmth, On a cold winter day.  A blanket of love for my beloved!

~Mme. Pamela McCreight~

I can feel you breathing...

It started with recalling one of my favorite quotes.... No, maybe it started at dinner... So I was sitting there feeding my most beautiful new niece the bottle of warm fluid she craved, gazing into her big blue eyes.  I kinda lost track of everything that was going on around me - the rest of my family and my most amazing boyfriend that is soon becoming a part of that piece faster than I can think it, all enjoying some good laughs before dinner was served.  I mislaid my convictions on her precious face, happily savoring the noise around us.  It was a bonding moment, for sure, but I couldn't help but notice what a lucky kid she is.  Born into a family to include two loving doting parents, a smart and beautiful big sister, the best grandparents in the world, a cousin who thinks she's the bee's knees, an auntie that loves her to the moon and back.... all sitting around a big table sharing a moment.  Maybe it wasn't noticed by all.  Maybe it was only special to me.  But regardless - it was a moment.

Before my soul was born into this life... before my eyes opened for the very first time,  I bought a ticket.  I didn't know where I was going or what lay ahead of me.  I can only use my experiences to associate... like the day I purchased tickets to ride the Euro rail for the first time ever, except there is no planning on my part.  Money exchanged hands and I could only imagine what I was going to witness... I just knew it was a ride through France, Belgium and Germany.  I brought all kinds of things to keep my brain occupied on the long trip... but I never needed those distractions... Old buildings, Farmers working, Slums by the rail side, Vineyards and vineyards and vineyards, Green rolling hills and Steep jagged mountainsides, Rivers and streams and EARTH I had never seen before... I couldn't remove my face from the window.  It was exciting... amazing... breathtaking. 

But so is my life.  Yeah, things have happened in my life that I sometimes wish hadn't... or choices I wish I would have made differently.  Who doesn't?  I've been asking God for faith and willingness to let go.  I think it has been an important part of my current process.  Stuff happens.  Even the slums by the rail side were awesome to witness.   And in the end, I still managed to make it to my destination with a new knowledge.... cars on blocks happen everywhere.  The landscape is always different... but makes for a great distraction on the journey.

I find myself in a moment in time that I, for once, did not create on my own.  So many instances of God in my life lately that it's almost hard to breathe... and it makes me cry, joyfully of course.  Like meeting my friend Jeff... not knowing of his existence a day beforehand, rescuing my sorry butt off the side of the road.  On the ride back to help, we discovered that we shared a mutual friend... who later in the summer passed away in a tragic car accident.  He's been great for me... as I hope I've been able to help him cope... and that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't known each other a minute prior.  Or like the circumstances that brought me very close with my family again... I nearly lost touch with why they are important people in my life - being caught up in my own drama.  I am close enough to be here now, especially for my mother and father, especially today as they deal with my Dad's medical struggles.  When my parents are gone, which I pray doesn't happen anytime in the near future, I will remember these days... mostly the love - how much they love me and I them.   Like the understanding I've found in my child and the peace that comes with being a responsible loving parent and watching how that all comes to fruition when he hugs me every night.  Like the friends in my life... Like the place that I work....The little opportunities that find me... and the ones I find...like the beautiful sunrises and sunsets... cotton ball clouds and jagged mountaintops... And last but not least... the man in my life.  It sounds lame, but I know he was hand picked. 

God throws a brick through your window when you don't listen.... He, like a parent, will take you by the shoulders and shake things up.  When you land - you figure out the purpose.  Had I not bought the ticket... I wouldn't be on this ride.  My ideas of love and life would would still be set....  I can stand proud and strong; traveling the rails of sulmagundi my train has rounded a corner and brought me to this terribly beautiful landscape I now call my life.

Life is messy.  Life is also sweet.  I think that it's the "finally coming to terms" gig with me lately.  I can feel it... the love, the beauty, what's important and what is not.  I feel like I am engaging in the ride fully, this very moment, right now.  The train is barrelling along... and I bought the ticket.  I'm taking the ride.  I am amazed at the beauty of the WHOLE landscape...

So as I caressed that sweet baby's head to sleep, I could feel her deep breathing... I hope she will know how exquisite this ride can be... 

"Buy the ticket, take the ride." ~Hunter S. Thompson

Dear Chickenheart....

I don't know what is up with my brain the last few days.  I close my eyes and then the picture show starts up full blow.  Dreams have been strange lately - which has me looking deeper into their subconscious meaning (cause I'm like that.)

Monday started by my lids falling heavy.  Just hours before I was lucky enough to catch lunch with the boyfriend, since I didn't have class and didn't have to work.  We had a great conversation over lunch... but it brought back memories - some bad ones where my non-reactions were always misconstrued as indifference that was completely and totally unacceptable.  For the rest of the day my brain went to my common reaction to most things.  I've always been laid back, for the most part.  But I'm also the metaphorical pot of water... occasionally known to boil over.  One time, after being picked on by my x-husband for days and days I got real tired and frustrated.  I threw a box of mother cookies at him and nailed him in the back of the head followed by a "GET THE F- - - - OUT!"  While it was instant relief for my frustrations... I've thought about how stupid it was... especially since I winged those tasty morsels so hard that every single one in the box was crushed beyond enjoyment.  BUT, I did make cheesecake crust with them... so it wasn't a total waste.  What did my reaction accomplish really?  It was just an outward show of anger that could have been handled totally different.  This I know... and this I regret.  And I've tried ever since to think things through first.  These thoughts throughout the day lead to dreams where I reacted to nothing.... Nothing good, nothing bad... all instances that required something - a smile, a tear, a red face.... but I did nothing.  I stood back and watched my house burn, my child die, a baby being born.... but no reactions. 

Tuesday found me dreaming of walking down the isle... oh yes, getting married.  I was hanging on to the most recent X's arm.  When we got to the alter, he was giving me away - but to whom I do not know.  I just remember that no matter how hard I tried to untangle my hand from his arm it wouldn't come loose and it ruined my whole day.

Last night... Ugh.  My hair was grey and my body felt old.  I was drinking a cup of tea and staring out of the window at my son and my X, my awesome boyfriend, his X and her child playing just outside.  All together and nothing seemed weird - at least to them.  None of them had aged a bit.  None of them noticed me at all. 

I think the visions last night were spawned by a moment that I had for mere seconds.  The boyfriend, child and I went for some Chinese and then the new Harry Potter movie.  As we were enjoying our respective soups, Rory and I shared a moment.... it was something that the X, Rory and I used to do when we had Chinese - dig through the green onions sweetly floating atop the warm broth in search of hearts.  When one was found, we'd pass it to another and let them know how much we loved them.  Boyfriend doesn't like onions.  For all the good times that I've had regardless of the bigger dreary picture of before, I was a bit sad.  But was reminded while in the theatre that new touching moments are always around the corner.  That in itself is exciting.

The culmination of all of my recent dreams finds fear... fear of what, dear chickenheart?  All things happen for reasons that we may or may not know.  All of my life, regardless of where I stood I was and am properly taken care of.  I have all the love I need through myself, my child, my family, my friends.... and generally: the universe - it provides if we are willing to see it.

So.... what is it that you're really afraid of?  Really.