I don't know what is up with my brain the last few days. I close my eyes and then the picture show starts up full blow. Dreams have been strange lately - which has me looking deeper into their subconscious meaning (cause I'm like that.)
Monday started by my lids falling heavy. Just hours before I was lucky enough to catch lunch with the boyfriend, since I didn't have class and didn't have to work. We had a great conversation over lunch... but it brought back memories - some bad ones where my non-reactions were always misconstrued as indifference that was completely and totally unacceptable. For the rest of the day my brain went to my common reaction to most things. I've always been laid back, for the most part. But I'm also the metaphorical pot of water... occasionally known to boil over. One time, after being picked on by my x-husband for days and days I got real tired and frustrated. I threw a box of mother cookies at him and nailed him in the back of the head followed by a "GET THE F- - - - OUT!" While it was instant relief for my frustrations... I've thought about how stupid it was... especially since I winged those tasty morsels so hard that every single one in the box was crushed beyond enjoyment. BUT, I did make cheesecake crust with them... so it wasn't a total waste. What did my reaction accomplish really? It was just an outward show of anger that could have been handled totally different. This I know... and this I regret. And I've tried ever since to think things through first. These thoughts throughout the day lead to dreams where I reacted to nothing.... Nothing good, nothing bad... all instances that required something - a smile, a tear, a red face.... but I did nothing. I stood back and watched my house burn, my child die, a baby being born.... but no reactions.
Tuesday found me dreaming of walking down the isle... oh yes, getting married. I was hanging on to the most recent X's arm. When we got to the alter, he was giving me away - but to whom I do not know. I just remember that no matter how hard I tried to untangle my hand from his arm it wouldn't come loose and it ruined my whole day.
Last night... Ugh. My hair was grey and my body felt old. I was drinking a cup of tea and staring out of the window at my son and my X, my awesome boyfriend, his X and her child playing just outside. All together and nothing seemed weird - at least to them. None of them had aged a bit. None of them noticed me at all.
I think the visions last night were spawned by a moment that I had for mere seconds. The boyfriend, child and I went for some Chinese and then the new Harry Potter movie. As we were enjoying our respective soups, Rory and I shared a moment.... it was something that the X, Rory and I used to do when we had Chinese - dig through the green onions sweetly floating atop the warm broth in search of hearts. When one was found, we'd pass it to another and let them know how much we loved them. Boyfriend doesn't like onions. For all the good times that I've had regardless of the bigger dreary picture of before, I was a bit sad. But was reminded while in the theatre that new touching moments are always around the corner. That in itself is exciting.
The culmination of all of my recent dreams finds fear... fear of what, dear chickenheart? All things happen for reasons that we may or may not know. All of my life, regardless of where I stood I was and am properly taken care of. I have all the love I need through myself, my child, my family, my friends.... and generally: the universe - it provides if we are willing to see it.
So.... what is it that you're really afraid of? Really.
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