The Quandary Found in Affections...

To lose yourself and then find yourself in a good-bye... To go a lifetime with acute hindsight... To watch your hopes fall inside... To watch memories fade in fade out and then further out... To have a moment of peace while wide awake when sleep is on your mind.

To lose yourself and find yourself in a simple hello... To go a lifetime in mere moments with lofty foresight... To watch hope lift up to the skies... To make memories today and every day henceforth... To have a moment of peace while wide awake when dreams are on your mind.

The problem that I find with love is this:  Sometimes I do not know when to turn on and/or turn off the faucet.  Sometimes I do not know when to stop... and sometimes when to start.  I am this tender hearted creature... sometimes scared... always fragile... set free to spend her love as she so chooses.  I have not always known, despite the many blatant logical slaps to the face by realism, how to spend wisely.  It's my fault.  And no one else's.  But is this just the impressive yet cruel nature of the beast?

Letters forming words fall out of my mouth like heavy bricks - these glimpses into my heart and how I've misspent my fortunes from time to time find me crying for being such a complete idiot from time to time.  Syllables forming phrases fly out of my mouth with a thousand fluttering wings hitching a ride on a current... words I hope to say over and over and over making ME smile for being such a lucky girl over  and over and over again.

Love can't save anyone... but it saves everyone.  It is an unidentifiable mysterious power. It negates most explanations.  Some days it is clear... some days - clear as mud. 

Sometimes, on nights just like this, when I am able to see both sides of this coin as if peeled and side by side... I don't understand how circumstance and evidence could ever possibly BE so radically incomparable.  Facing something so brutal and ugly.... and staring down the barrel of absolute beauty.  And to have the opportunity to see both in one lifetime? 

What breaks my heart the most of recent love gone by is the fact that me, lover girl, can barely remember any times... but recalls the fright of one most fateful night.  And that is all... Love splattered and killed over ego and will and anger and fear and nothing near the essence of love - plain love, pure love, sweet love, lasting love...  And that is it... no more love.  Was it love? 

Love knows not the time of day or night.  You can say stop... but it beats brighter and stronger than the sun and moon... and has no use for seconds or minutes or hours.  And when that object of your affections skips ahead or behind a frame, the movie plays on in your head or in your heart... plain love, pure love sweet love, lasting love.... never really goes away.

And then one day fate grabs ME by the hand and drags me kicking and screaming to a place and a face that my heart knows all too well.  Every moment seems to speed by in slow motion... all too fast but slow enough to observe... Trust, friendship and an electrical current sparking and grounding and finding a level.  Plain love.  Pure Love.  Sweet Love.  LASTING LOVE!

Is that the promise of love?  As stark as night and day?  As brilliant as a million stars through a moonless witching hour or as mute as a windless diurnal not rustling the trees?  To finally understand the difference of love worth while and love worth nothing?

The quandary of love is nothing more than a promise that it exists.  Rare in forms and obtainable through heart.

A promise that love is still here....

Wake up!

There is a moment in time when everything that has ever seemed real gets flushed, burned or blown away.  In the last several months, my reality has changed so drastically it is hard for me to imagine that I am still breathing. 

The past fades to the point of a foggy memory.  The future is finally bright and sunny.  And the present - magnificent.... unbelievable... and ah-mazing. 

The past seems forced and contrived.  All those things that I've always wanted that I tried to impose on those that had been in my life previously.... what a silly thing for a girl to do.  My present makes me fully believe that prayers can be answered in due time.  That pry bars are unnecessary.  That the universe truly does provide.  And that the quantified life - where everything is measured in numbers and in time - has no real value.

Looking into the mirror I have now grown to love immensely I can see myself clearly... but this time with compassion and acceptance and love.  I'm not sure if it is completely me that has changed... if I have new eyes.  Or if I am just in with a good crowd, finally.  But here I am.  Loving this beautiful life.  Consciously dreaming, it seems.  I never imagined I would ever have it so good.

Most of my life believing myself to be a greener pasture person... because I felt like there was something better for me and I shouldn't ever have to settle.  Living under the heavy blanket of self imposed clouds of guilt and shame for not being happy with me and the relationships that I have found myself in.

My boys and I were watching a movie last night.  One of the lead characters was asked "Why Him?"  Her response was - It wasn't him.... I was obsessed.  I was always more lonely with him than I ever was alone.  I could completely empathize with the character.  I have always been so obsessed with making something of nothing and fearful of being a complete failure in my efforts I missed one important factor.... Me.

I am now awake from the haze... the smoke I found in my mirrors...  And even if my forward trajectory doesn't steer the way I think it will... I have new understanding of the importance of listening to me.  That's the funny thing about reality.  It's based on our perception of the world around us.  And our reality, just as our perception, is subject to change at any given moment.  Like the proverbial ball of snow picking of mass along the way, as we obtain new found knowledge... What was... is no more.  What is.... Well, it can seem like a dream, but if you allow it - it can be your waking reality.

The Coterminous Idea...

One foot goes in front of the other.  These are steps you take every day.  You never think about these steps... it's just the natural order and second nature of locomotion.  Movement - mostly forward, occasionally backward.  Progression - like the smallest snowball gathering snow and speed on it's decent down a hill... It grows and grows and grows.  Just like my love and comfort in my current relationship.  We've been discussing the next logical step.  Perhaps, cohabitation is on the menu... I am terrified for a few reasons...

First of all, I am not a solo mission.  I have a four foot tall monkey to worry about.  And I'm torn most times.  When I was a child, my parents didn't consider my opinions in the decision making processes that would affect my family.  But I do care what my child has to say.  I usually DO consider his input before making major decisions.  I feel that it makes him take ownership in challenges and changes. 

I brought the topic up to Weeman yesterday before he started out the door.  He seemed quite excited about it.  But also reminded me that I promised he could finish this year at his school.  We've been talking about moving anyhow.  We've been considering the Northwest, as his dad has a job opportunity there and when it was approached, I had no ties but my family to Colorado. 

Rory loves Matt, but still unsure of him mostly because he doesn't know him well.  I haven't allowed a terrible amount of interaction until I was sure this one would hang around.  I carry an abundant amount of guilt with me... because every heartbreak I have endured - he too has faced.  I try my best to keep the lines of communication open and discuss things with him - which I feel is totally arbitrary for a child of his age to know about.  But, quite frankly, I ease that contrition knowing he has a true picture of real life.  Sometimes it is cruel and unfair.  Sometimes things just don't go they way you planned.  On the same hand, I am confident that the more time Matt and Rory spend with each other - they will grow to love each other - just as I love both of them.  Both are so easy to love....

When he got home from school, he informed me that he "thought all day" about the idea of moving in with Matt.  He told me he would rather try to move back in with the X.  UGH!  I've had multiple conversations with this child about how it's okay to love.... freely and openly.  But how it is also important to know the difference in good and bad relationships.  Healthy vs unhealthy.  He's so perceptive.  He's learned far more from me than the things I have told him.  I haven't always known the difference, either.  It took this last slap in the face for me to wake the hell up.  When you love yourself enough (to know that you deserve to be happy and treated with respect) you can freely give love to others.  If you miss this important step, things can get a little wonky.  If you have two people in any sort of relationship come together - loving themselves and each other - you have the makings of salubrity.  You and your actions come from love.  And the notation of self, or at least the semblance of the golden rule - I wouldn't do that to you because I wouldn't do that to me or want it done to me - would shine through, despite the occasional flub.

While there were moments of greatness in my last relationship.... and although Rory had his own relationship with him.... all hinged on whatever mood that man was in at any given moment.  He could swing from happy, caring and giving to a righteous self loathing turd in mere minutes... or days.  And you never knew which man you were going to get - at any given moment.  He didn't like himself, and made sure those closest to him were on his level.  He was plentiful with put-downs and scarce with gratefulness.  Now, while I am all for humans being human... and try to have empathy and understanding (obviously to a fault or at least to my own demise)...  AND since I have forgiven this man and wish him the best.... I don't want him in my life in any fashion ever again.  He took it too far and I could never trust him to be a thread in my life - ever again.  And, as an adult, I can say that.... As a child, I hope Rory gets this sooner rather than later.

I am also anxious.  I've spent my fair share of grieving the last twelve years of my life... in particular, the last three.  But it's over now.  Sometimes, I feel as if I am not giving enough credit to the last three years.  Sometimes, I feel like those years have just blown away in the wind...  Even when I try to focus, I can't see his face.  I'm not sad about this - in any way shape or form.  I just feel like maybe I'm being careless.  Maybe I've repressed it?  Maybe it really is over - which is odd because it has been a big part of my life for over a decade!  And just like that - POOF - Gone.  Strange days.  And here I am - NOT even a year later... with this amazing man that holds me up - not down.... and respects me, loves me, truly cares....  I KNOW, with every fiber of my being, that he would never hurt me, let alone a flee... and especially my child.  And more than these great things - I love myself! I took enough time to find me... I have been honest to my heart and to him through this whole deal.  I'm finally listening to my HEART!  I chalk it up to being at the right place at the exact right time.... and knowing that the universe provides...That God has my back... and I'm on the path meant just for me... 

On another note.... While I was consistently and constantly told what a terrible person I am to live with by the X - I always felt like what he was saying was over critical - because I'd never heard of these grievances in past cohabitation experiences and I always felt like he wouldn't be happy with anything I ever did anyway.  But what if he was right.... What if I just don't want to believe all of those things about myself.  What if the few others just didn't have the balls to say anything to me... What if I screw up one of the best things in my life because I'm a terrible wench to live with?

I am nervous and a bit scared - all tiny insecurities.  I pray that it's the best decision for both me and my little man.  I am excited too.  More so than these other twinges, in my heart I know this is a step in the right direction.  When in the presence of this man, I am at utter peace.  I feel like I'm home.  And I can't wait for the opportunity to take it to the next level.  I can't wait to spend the time with both of my boys any time I want. 

Waiting

It spins off the top,

A grandiose notion,

A feeling so deep that words,

Are useless.

Infected thoughts,

Disguised as dreams,

A life spent in yearning,

For something so,

Unattainable.

Yet, human skin fries.

Sorting it out with,

Tears in the heart and

Fears in the eyes.

What becomes of the,

Waiting.

And waiting.

Swallow the lump,

Leap,

Take the jump.

Weighing needs and wants,

Stepping out of line,

Watching the clock,

Ticking and tocking,

Surviving and living and surviving,

Again.

The yearning and burning,

And incessant need,

To feel whole once more,

Lost to the wind.

Time never stops,

Clicking and clacking,

And desires set aflame,

Never extinguish,

All worth waiting for,

Will find patience in the,

Rain.

~Mme. Pamela McCreight~

2011