There is a moment in time when everything that has ever seemed real gets flushed, burned or blown away. In the last several months, my reality has changed so drastically it is hard for me to imagine that I am still breathing.
The past fades to the point of a foggy memory. The future is finally bright and sunny. And the present - magnificent.... unbelievable... and ah-mazing.
The past seems forced and contrived. All those things that I've always wanted that I tried to impose on those that had been in my life previously.... what a silly thing for a girl to do. My present makes me fully believe that prayers can be answered in due time. That pry bars are unnecessary. That the universe truly does provide. And that the quantified life - where everything is measured in numbers and in time - has no real value.
Looking into the mirror I have now grown to love immensely I can see myself clearly... but this time with compassion and acceptance and love. I'm not sure if it is completely me that has changed... if I have new eyes. Or if I am just in with a good crowd, finally. But here I am. Loving this beautiful life. Consciously dreaming, it seems. I never imagined I would ever have it so good.
Most of my life believing myself to be a greener pasture person... because I felt like there was something better for me and I shouldn't ever have to settle. Living under the heavy blanket of self imposed clouds of guilt and shame for not being happy with me and the relationships that I have found myself in.
My boys and I were watching a movie last night. One of the lead characters was asked "Why Him?" Her response was - It wasn't him.... I was obsessed. I was always more lonely with him than I ever was alone. I could completely empathize with the character. I have always been so obsessed with making something of nothing and fearful of being a complete failure in my efforts I missed one important factor.... Me.
I am now awake from the haze... the smoke I found in my mirrors... And even if my forward trajectory doesn't steer the way I think it will... I have new understanding of the importance of listening to me. That's the funny thing about reality. It's based on our perception of the world around us. And our reality, just as our perception, is subject to change at any given moment. Like the proverbial ball of snow picking of mass along the way, as we obtain new found knowledge... What was... is no more. What is.... Well, it can seem like a dream, but if you allow it - it can be your waking reality.
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