Standing Straight Up...

When I think about love, I often think about some of the good memories that I have.  Sometimes, however, I think about some of the bad experiences that I've had.  I've been working round the clock to change my thought process.  First off, who hasn't been hurt a time or two.  I am not unique.  I am not alone.  Second, the only person that really really hurts is me.  Hanging on to the past and it's pummeling is a heavy load when you're in it for the long haul.

I found myself sitting next to this handsome man that I've grown quite fond of, drinking coffee and talking about our eventful weekends apart.  He was traveling out of state while I was traveling into my past.  He mentioned something to me... His family just so happens to know the X-husbands family... AND as the story goes, apparently they don't think highly of me.  Not even knowing that we are dating, just throwing me to the dogs... Go figure.  I acted like an ass when the X and I first split up.  I caught an earful that the X's stepfather was running around town saying horrible things about me... so what.  But then he went to my mother's work and was saying ridiculous things about her to her boss.... and even worse things about my father.  The man met my folk only a few times... seriously - like 3 times in 8 years.  And my parents were always ALWAYS good to the X... even to this very day.  Out of anger, I drove to his house to yell and scream at him.  Say what you want about me - but leave my parents out of the deal... it was my issue - not theirs and they are good people.  Either way, I acted like a fool.  That divorce and all that has surrounded it was one of the most frustrating battles of ego (on both sides) that I have ever faced.  Well, the X and I actually get along quite well these days and I'm very glad.  It's perfect and healthy for the kiddo  and for me.  Why would the X's step dad go out of his way to continue the crap?  Who cares, I suppose.  Just seems counterproductive. 

Just as my ego was about to step in whilst this handsome man was speaking his new gained knowledge, he stops and tells me that he doesn't care what others say.  He spends enough time with me to make his own decisions about me. (Sigh of relief... how'd I get so lucky to find such an understanding hot piece of man flesh?)

So, during my adventures this weekend I found myself at a local dive bar listening to this band... they were actually AWESOME!  I met up with an old romantic interest - FROM LIKE 17 YEARS AGO!  Not to worry... I met his pseudo wife.  At any rate... when I decided to take off, he walked me to the car.  He may not have known it... but some of the things he said to me I absolutely needed to hear.  Likewise, it made me feel really good - I haven't always made the best decisions, but I haven't always made the worst ones either.   He, himself, turned out to be an amazing and awesome individual.... a family man, a good provider, and a great friend.  To know that I got to be a memorable part of his story... and there are no hard feelings... and we can still talk and be friends makes me feel good.

All of this made me think, in order for me to dump my heavy past so that I can walk freely in the here and now and to propell me into my bright awaiting future I need to find some peace.  Is it gonna be a 12 step process?  Am I willing to accept that, although I am willing to forgive others, they may not be willing to forgive me?  I don't know.  I have half heartedly tried this in the past.  Can I honestly do this? 

Like I said, I am human.  I am not perfect.  Sometimes I have allowed my ego to drive.  I have done some stupid things -who hasn't when love is involved.  But on the other side of the coin... I've done some great things as well.  And tomorrow is a new day!  I can waste it being angry and hurt and full of guilt, or I can start new.  If I can let go of my hurts and keep my lessons and the good memories, I'm bound to allow love to flow more freely.  I'm going to stand straight up, face myself and put my past to bed.

Good night!

The Measuring Stick

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

~I Corinthians 13: 4-7

Although I read and am fond of the Bible, you won't find me quoting said piece of literature very often.  However, the first book of Corinthians is one of my all-time go to's when I get depressed about my past romantic relationships.

Welcome to my new blog.  In past online journals, I have always sought to find the error of others and seldom myself.  Sometimes I was unduly hard on myself, clubbing around as if I were an infant seal.  Both sides of this coin were unproductive.

I am a soul searching woman.  I am a true romantic.  I am on a life pursuit of that which my heart most desires... a true lifetime partner.  In my humble experience, I feel that our societal standards are changing.  Our willingness to be honest and true to ourselves and our nature and forthcoming to those we chose to bring into our perception of reality is slight.  I feel like being a human isn't cool.

Well, I want to be a human.  I want to be a human that gives and receives love openly and freely.  I want to ditch the strings that society tells us should be attached... and figure out how on Earth to straighten my act out!  Mostly, I want to understand what I have to offer and what it is that I need and want to in another human being to share in this reality.  Yes.  That's right.  Finding someone to meander through the ups and downs of every day has always been one of my earnest motivations.

I figured the best way to start fresh on this new journey is to set the stage.  LOVE has to be defined.  And since philosophically and psychologically love escapes a solid definition as to what it IS, I would look to my favorite verses to what it is not.

"Love is patient, love is kind."

It was an evening just like any other, but I was at my wit's end because of some forgettable nuisance or another.  After weeks and weeks and weeks of telling my child why we try to keep our showering time to the minimum - i.e. saving water and thus the water bill - I realized that he had been in his evening shower routine for far too long.  I stomped up the stairs, pulled him out of the shower and proceeded to yell at him, followed by a swat on the tookis.  My actions were not out of love.  My actions were out of frustrations piled atop of aggravations.  Now, because my love for him is deeper than any ocean, I later apologized and let him know why I did what I did.  I also allegorized, again, why we take productive showers.  All of this meant nothing until I forgave myself of my actions.

He still takes long showers.  And I still tell him that the planet, although 70% water, does not have an endless supply of fresh water... and if he keeps taking 45 minute showers, eventually he will be bathing in reused sewer water...  What I have discovered is that if he has something special to look forward to AFTER his shower (like a few minutes of TV or video game time), the time he spends in his mecca can be cut by 40 minutes or so.  That is acting out of love.  Showing patience and kindness and a desire to compromise, is love.

"It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

I was recently in a relationship where the other half was always sitting close to the red-line. One day, he would be totally enamoured by something I would do, and the next entirely affronted by the exact same action.  Every single time that I felt his actions were out of control, unwarranted, rude or self-seeking, I made mental note.  I held my hurt feelings against him and not my heart.  I was angry with him most of the time.  I was angry with myself.  The wrongs piled up in my head and eventually outweighed the love in my heart.  The relationship toppled.  I acted, not out of love, but out of anger and resentment. 

"... Truth."

The truth!  The truth is hard to find these days, have you noticed?  I recently joined this online community dedicated to finding me my perfect match.  What I found, instead, was a lot of hot air.  I went on a few dates with a few of these men... well... what they boasted about on their profile wasn't anywhere close to what they were actually like.  Of course you want to put your best foot forward.  And of course you're not going to verbally vomit your flaws.  But why not be yourself?  It's hard to live up to what you lay out if you aren't entirely honest. 

"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Love can be described as a feeling.  But I think that love is action.  If you are always (or at least mostly) acting out of love... it will protect, the trust will be there, hopes and dreams will soar, and it will always persevere.  Always.

My measuring stick will now be action....