When I think about love, I often think about some of the good memories that I have. Sometimes, however, I think about some of the bad experiences that I've had. I've been working round the clock to change my thought process. First off, who hasn't been hurt a time or two. I am not unique. I am not alone. Second, the only person that really really hurts is me. Hanging on to the past and it's pummeling is a heavy load when you're in it for the long haul.
I found myself sitting next to this handsome man that I've grown quite fond of, drinking coffee and talking about our eventful weekends apart. He was traveling out of state while I was traveling into my past. He mentioned something to me... His family just so happens to know the X-husbands family... AND as the story goes, apparently they don't think highly of me. Not even knowing that we are dating, just throwing me to the dogs... Go figure. I acted like an ass when the X and I first split up. I caught an earful that the X's stepfather was running around town saying horrible things about me... so what. But then he went to my mother's work and was saying ridiculous things about her to her boss.... and even worse things about my father. The man met my folk only a few times... seriously - like 3 times in 8 years. And my parents were always ALWAYS good to the X... even to this very day. Out of anger, I drove to his house to yell and scream at him. Say what you want about me - but leave my parents out of the deal... it was my issue - not theirs and they are good people. Either way, I acted like a fool. That divorce and all that has surrounded it was one of the most frustrating battles of ego (on both sides) that I have ever faced. Well, the X and I actually get along quite well these days and I'm very glad. It's perfect and healthy for the kiddo and for me. Why would the X's step dad go out of his way to continue the crap? Who cares, I suppose. Just seems counterproductive.
Just as my ego was about to step in whilst this handsome man was speaking his new gained knowledge, he stops and tells me that he doesn't care what others say. He spends enough time with me to make his own decisions about me. (Sigh of relief... how'd I get so lucky to find such an understanding hot piece of man flesh?)
So, during my adventures this weekend I found myself at a local dive bar listening to this band... they were actually AWESOME! I met up with an old romantic interest - FROM LIKE 17 YEARS AGO! Not to worry... I met his pseudo wife. At any rate... when I decided to take off, he walked me to the car. He may not have known it... but some of the things he said to me I absolutely needed to hear. Likewise, it made me feel really good - I haven't always made the best decisions, but I haven't always made the worst ones either. He, himself, turned out to be an amazing and awesome individual.... a family man, a good provider, and a great friend. To know that I got to be a memorable part of his story... and there are no hard feelings... and we can still talk and be friends makes me feel good.
All of this made me think, in order for me to dump my heavy past so that I can walk freely in the here and now and to propell me into my bright awaiting future I need to find some peace. Is it gonna be a 12 step process? Am I willing to accept that, although I am willing to forgive others, they may not be willing to forgive me? I don't know. I have half heartedly tried this in the past. Can I honestly do this?
Like I said, I am human. I am not perfect. Sometimes I have allowed my ego to drive. I have done some stupid things -who hasn't when love is involved. But on the other side of the coin... I've done some great things as well. And tomorrow is a new day! I can waste it being angry and hurt and full of guilt, or I can start new. If I can let go of my hurts and keep my lessons and the good memories, I'm bound to allow love to flow more freely. I'm going to stand straight up, face myself and put my past to bed.
Good night!
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