Jump to Sink or Swim...

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you have been holding out waiting for the stock to rise? The river to fall?  The best time to buy?  Or when to say - hey, you are exactly what I've been looking for?

Dating.  I've never really liked it.  I'm a one man kinda gal... that's all there is to it.  Although I have enjoyed my run of free dinners and fine company... It's getting really old already.  I know, I know... poor me - it's been nearly 6 months... I've been hanging out with one guy anyway - and he's been great for me.

Since May, I have been trying my darnedest to cut the bullshit victim act.  I am not comfortable with it and it doesn't suit my personality.  I've been trying to see things from different angles and the lighter shades of grey.   I've been trying to see my life through different eyes - and the eyes of others - and they eyes of my soul - and the eyes of God.  I know I'm a good seed, despite what I've been told in the past.  In every situation, I've done the very best that I could, and I've made the best decisions for me at the time.... I've been trying to be less judgmental about the things that have happened, because there is nothing I can do about it now... just learn and move along. 

Last Saturday I sat looking at this man with sheer amazement, wonder and awe.  Something clicked in my noggin... something perfect and fresh and inspiring.  We were just talking... I felt, for the first time in a long time, that I am exactly where I ought to be.  To find someone that is gentle and sweet and funny... creative and soft and masculine that sends my soul from here to the moon and back...and my heart racing a million miles a minute... It's thrilling to say the very least. He doesn't mind my random stupid cliches or my goofy ramblings and witty puns.  He makes me think... makes me pause... lets me jump to my conclusions - but brings me back to reality.  My parents like him... the kid likes him... and I like him.

So I was hangin out with this kid tonight and what I wanted to say instead of, "I really like you -- a lot!" was so out of my comfort zone.... that I didn't spill the beans.  I love my cushion... my padded room... and occasionally my straight jacket.  But I don't have this looming feeling that I've had (seems like) forever that there is something else out there for me to investigate.  I feel like there is no room for anyone else as I build up this (despite my every urge to fight it - it is) relationship.  I've grown so fond of him that I can't wait another minute to see him, touch him, smell him (and his cigars! HA) and just be.

I feel like myself whether I am with him or not.  That is a feeling I have never had.  Even if it was conjured feelings I laid out in my own mind, I've always felt like I had to live up to some sort of image that others had of me.  I know I can't give him all the credit... but sometimes, the universe just smiles on you - and delivers exactly what you need.

Don't get me wrong... I'm jumping off this deco diving board in slow-mo with my big toe extended to check the water temp before the full on cannon ball.... (it makes the biggest splash.)  But I feel like a million dollars right now - and I'm not ready to give it up.

Sink or swim - I'm grateful for the experience.