Life sometimes coils you up like one of those armored rollie-polie bugs. Then it extends its middle finger and flicks - sending you flying through the air like a torpedo headed for the Arizona. Bad imagery? I'm sure of it.
So, I call the county court house last month and speak to this lovely doll on the phone. My question for her was this: If I, by chance, decided that a lifetime restraining order is no longer serving its purpose, how would one go about removing said order? She tells me that I have to fill out some paperwork, answer some crazy questions, turn it in to the division and the case judge usually signs the paperwork and returns it to me to have served to the opposing party. She mentioned that there could be a slight chance that the judge will decide that a hearing is necessary, in which case both parties would need to be present for the orders to be dismissed. I decided to take my chances and hope that no hearing would be necessary. I filed the paperwork and said a little prayer. Oh, I got papers back in the mail to have served... but they were notifying me that the judge believes a hearing is necessary. DAMN. Yeah, I was kicking myself in the ass and wondering why I thought my odds would be good...
But just like that rollie-polie, able to take a hit, unwind and trot along... Just as my thoughts turned grim and bleak... all I wanted was to remove any possibility that I could be an interdiction in his life. It was me putting an end to all connection... setting the bird completely free from the cage. I just remember that every time he got pulled over while I was in the vehicle with him - Johnny Lawman would always ask for my name - since he does have another restraining order against him. I didn't want ME and my ego to be just another thorn. However, I don't feel it necessary to see him, let alone be in the same room... or standing in close proximity of him. I was just about to change my mind... when some sweet understanding man placed a different idea in my brain. He said something to the tune of: Maybe this is YOUR chance to end it on a completely different playground... end it in better light.
After the week I've had... After the year I've had.... sometimes it's hard for me to positively see all sides of an issue. Something that I am normally very proficient at. But when you're rolled up and thrusting forward at high velocity, unaimed... it's hard to wrap a brain around everything. Especially my brain. I have to spend some time telling a few thank you, publicly. Seriously. Some of the extended conversations that I've had with a few family members and some of the experiences that I unknowingly share with new friends and old friends... and now this man...
This man that has come into my life mysteriously and has invaded my space and my cerebellum... has talked me through (especially this week) with grace and sweetness and without ulterior motives.... We've approached this whole deal as a "friends" with a few other benefits kind of deal, which worked out perfectly for both of us coming straight out of long term relationships. We actually enjoy each other's company and Double C=CLOD or CRETIN - It's how I feel right now. I've made nearly every excuse in the book to keep this man at arms length. Every once in a while I let him in to play and I thoroughly enjoy myself. I think he had something really big he was going to tell me tonight - and I laughed at him and made a stupid joke. Way to go numskull...
So... I'm like this coiled up armored bug, flying through the air, totally misguided... suffering from heartbreak and yammering on and on about my past and how I should have done things a little differently and how I will do things differently. He just looks at me sincerely and asks me questions and tells me that all these things are pieces of me - so how is he ever going to fully know me without knowing where I've come from. It's almost like he's running around with this mattress- back... forward... right... right... left - trying to anticipate where I might land in order to catch me. Yes, I said mattress on purpose. I'm still alive, aren't I. I don't know that I've ever allowed anyone that thought I was worth while catch me. I fall a lot...
I don't know that I've ever had a current boyfriend tell me that it would be AWESOME to end things on a better note with a past boyfriend.
Now you understand my odd opening imagery.... right?
SO...fuDoubleck-ing AWESOME!
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