All I want to know is who made up all of these rules? My whole entire life people have "suggested" what I am to believe or what I am to do or how I am supposed to be. And for the most part, I have listened to them to some extent; only to find myself completely confused and lost. I didn't know who I truly was all this time - and still getting familiar with myself today. I had to split open my guts and grow some balls to be who I think I am without all of these societal and cultural barriers that have been set before me in days of past. Maybe, while reading my blogs, you feel that I'm over the top. Maybe you think I'm one of those peace loving hippie tree-huggers. Maybe you think I'm some crazy woman and you can pin-point my neurosis. I can honestly say - today - I don't care. Today I feel more in touch with myself than ever before.
All this thinking started with an email that I got from someone I don't talk to. In days of past, I would have patted myself on the back for winning the approval of my unknown peers. But all this email did was make me angry. How can you pass judgment - good or bad - when you don't really know me or my life. How can you deduct the scenarios that I have lived and breathed without being in the moments of my life with me?
All of this thinking started when someone, very heartfelt mind you, asked me what it is that I really want in my forward moving life. There are many things - from what I want to do with my life to where I want to go. Specifically in regards to relationships, however, I had one answer. Acceptance. From acceptance stems all of the other lofty ideas I have about the ideal relationship and love. And the token goes both ways - complete acceptance of another and another's complete acceptance of me.
I always used to say that I wish I could build a man.... I would take the best parts of all those I have been involved with and shape and sculpt my perfect partner. Mostly because I've had these ideas shoved down my throat by friends and family and religion and society and culture as to how all of this is supposed to go down. But it lacks luster and it isn't what finding love is all about. At least not for the real me.
I listened to a man giving advice to one of his dear friends one day. He said "That's not love, if she's willing to hit you, that ain't love brother." All while he was trying to console a friend that just suffered through a drunken domestic violence event in his life that shattered his whole outlook. Then a mere few months later, the same man raised a hand to me. I remembered those words he spoke. I also remembered the utter bliss I felt in December of last year after a few hard weeks when I thought it was over. Our reunion was nothing short of magical... I never felt more loved in my entire life. Ever. So with the spoken words, and the magnetic events of months prior streaming simultaneously through my skull I was one confused woman. Top that off with mementos from other judging outsiders spewing pearls my way... I thought my head was going to spin off and land on some distant planet.
In the aftermath, many people offered the same advice as the man with a forgetful tongue.... It wasn't love. Or I have no idea what love is. Or the most recent "I need to find someone that is normal for once."
In prior days I had no clue what to think. I allowed outsiders to cloud the rulings of my heart and head. The most troublesome situations came at the cost of mass confusion. My voice being drowned out by the thoughts of others. Whereas, the here and now, after receiving the thoughts of the masses I pat myself on the back anyway. I have been able to stick to what I believe. And this is what I know:
I went to a progressive church with a friend on Sunday. Typical Pamela would have said "that was great!" or just a simple "thank you!" with my honest thoughts left to myself. While I embrace my spirituality and am receptive to positive messages, I also understand that my relationship with God is found when my brain is blank and my soul is quiet. My temple is me and my offering is myself. And my peace is in quiet meditation. My actions of being good to all those around me and doing what I can to be the leaning post - holding others up is my religion. I celebrate my God by seeing God in everyone and every thing. While I appreciated the message on Sunday, I didn't feel it and I said so. I SAID so... I actually said what I felt.
I received this email a few days ago, and I didn't respond because it didn't deserve my attention. I surround myself with individuals that I can help or that can help me. And I have a firm belief that we are all capable of good and bad, even me. We are all just people learning how to do this life thing making choices... it's all a choice, free will. We don't always make the best decisions, or have the right intentions. Some, including me, have a harder time than others. It's finding a balance between love, ego and intention and knowing which direction we truly want to go. It becomes harder with all the static buzz that goes on around our ears. Responding to the email would have gone against my honest opinion about the broached matter, and any response contrary would have been sent by anger and ego. It is what it is, man. The person(s) that I have chosen to spend my life and time with are just people. Capable of good and bad. Just like me. End of story.
And as far as my conversation on Saturday about what it is that I really want in my life - acceptance. When you begin a relationship you have this idealized version of the person you are with. Maybe I'm taking the romance out of the situation, but honesty is key here. You don't really know a person just yet. It's when you face a struggle or a triumph that you can feel that soul connection to another. Maybe your version of that person is spot on. Maybe (as in the case with my x-husband) it's WAY off. It becomes a matter of expectation and not true reality. I fully realize this today. Today! (coulda made my life a bunch easier had I learned my lesson the first time) I can't see myself jumping head-long into a relationship with another until I know them a bit. And even then - I don't wanna move in or get married until I have a much better understanding. I've never given myself that opportunity. I can tell you - that over the last 6 months or so, I don't expect much. I've also found that my level of disappointment has drastically fallen. You know a person for who they are if you don't expect. And if you can get to know that person and still feel that infatuation between bodies, love them when they do good and even when they are human and make mistakes, you have acceptance. And from there, an honest and true bond.
In my heart I haven't been that far off. I remember one night shortly after that most horrifying experience where I made it to bed before he did; I wasn't quite asleep - but no where close to awake. One of my massive bruises lay exposed above the covers. He gently stroked my arm, kissed my blue skin and hovered above me crying. That meant more to me than the act that blemished my bark. I snuggled closer that night. I loved that man and accepted him, no matter what. And maybe that's why I have such a hard time with all of this. Had I just been listening to myself - my true gut, my insides, my soul... Life would be a bit different. Likewise, I realize that I've had to go through all of this to make whatever comes my way from here on out more intense. I will have a better appreciation for such a connection to myself; and from myself - to others.
That's what I know to be true today. This is my philosophy. I have to understand what my heart, head, soul, guts want without influence from outside of that spiritual orb. I have to base my actions on this knowledge, from here on out.
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