Are you tall enough to stand behind?

It is, after all, a question I have found myself asking frequently throughout my life.  I've spent a lot of time with folks in the past that had a tendency to break me down instead of holding me up or standing behind me.  It left me with questions of my self worth... which is worthless.  It's the kinda stuff that brings your confidence to nil.  My motto is, especially the last 6 months, people are just people... but somehow I neglected to apply it to me, myself and I.

The last few days over the holiday I've spent a lot of time at boyfriend's side.  Right at this very moment, as I sit in my bed alone ( :o\ ), propped up, hammering away at this ol' keyboard trying to gather my thoughts of the beautiful and amazing time that we've shared... I think he is one of the wisest men I know.  Maybe it's because he knows exactly what I need to hear at the exact right moment.  He inadvertently wipes out and deletes programming that has been set for years... for years of hearing about all the things that I do wrong or all the personality traits that I have that are absolutely terrible... he pipes up about exactly why things that I thought were awful about myself are actually some of my most strong attributes to him. 

After my friend's memorial service today, some of my girlfriends and I had lunch.  I relayed to them, if it goes no further than it has between he and I, I have learned one valuable lesson.... there are good guys out there... and I am worth the happiness I seek.  There is no turning back.  Life doesn't have to be so hard.  There are good guys out there... and I am now the proud owner of that proof.

During my date tonight, Boyfriend (with ESPN) says if it were all to end today - I hope you at least walk away knowing you are worth it.  Me - worth it - yep.  He said something about being happy too... feeling is mutual.  (We decided that we don't want it to end, though... so continue:) I still have a hard time buying it all... mostly because THIS is not like anything I have ever been a part of.  There is no comparison.  This isn't my comfortable normal.  There is no drama.  There is awesome communication.  There is a great desire to see each other succeed.  There is no mock up or fake props.  The best part is - my ego hasn't showed up for this event.  I don't have to fight to be myself - so she stays away.  It's like we fit together (going out on a limb here) like we were made for one another in every way.  Now, I know that it's only been a few months... and I also know that we RECENTLY kicked it up a notch.  I also understand that we don't live together and we spend a lot of time apart due to circumstances.  But every time we are together I walk away with this feeling - Where the heck have you been all my life???? HuH?

Maybe... because this isn't the first time that we've bumped into each other... I had to learn some lessons the hard way to be more appreciative of my here and now.  I have to tell you this quirky cute sickly sweet little story - My most recent X and I dated before... about 12 years ago or so.  When he broke it off that time, I kinda went on this partying binge with my girlfriends.  I met a lot of guys at the bar... to include my X-husband.  The night I met the X-husband (who was my best friend's blind date) I bumped into Matt.  He was a raft guide... I remember how easy he was to talk to and how much we had in common then.  BUT, alas the X-husband had me in his cross-hairs and I didn't stand a chance.  Matt eventually became a part of my story - I shoulda pursued the river rat instead of the dirty rat... I heedlessly kept him alive in my heart, I guess, for a later date to be announced at the most convenient time.  So this Matt guy becomes interested in using his Art degree to teach kiddos... and a chance meeting to pass off information regarding my employer had us bumping into each other again.  I didn't realize it right away that day, till he turned just so and I caught his profile - instant recognition.  He'll tell you that as soon as it clicked in my brain I had some silly grin on my face that couldn't have been removed with a jackhammer.  That was in June.  It took me a while to fully come around... as he told me this evening... all the way down to the first kiss.  And then the kiss after that - were we couldn't really get the job done because I was smiling too much.  It's a great story... and makes me beam stupidly when I think about it.  I am, after all, Scots-Irish... and that's part of the accord - the folklore.

So back to my question.  Am I tall enough to stand behind?  You know... get behind me ride my crazy train for a while... Be with ME.  My answer is undoubtedly yes.... It's not this shaky idea that I feel would be nice to 'achieve'.  My answer is - I have always been worthy of being treated like a human.  I have always been deserving of love.  I am not a possession.  I am not a punching bag.  I am not all of those things that other mirrors have reflected... for their own self preservation.  Maybe by keeping me low I would never realize these facts: I have value.  I am a part of this world just the way I am. 

I can't say it enough lately... but I am one lucky kid.  I have such an amazing life... an awesome miracle baby that lights my every day and night too, a tremendously strong family that I love to the ends of the earth and beyond, incredibly supportive and loving friends that I would do anything for... and if that wasn't good enough, I have been blessed with more days on this side of the grass with such a good hearted, intensely loving and wickedly handsome man.  Not only do I feel tall enough...but connected, grounded and worthy.  Lucky and happy... and grateful.  It's a good place to be.

Askew... Ask YOU!

Yeah... I had to share this one. Since completing my Florence + The Machine collection this summer... I'm always ready for more... and stumbled across this sexy remix. Love her.

Something is rotten in Denmark. I mean, it has to be - right? Here I am - ME - in love! And here's the thing... I keep waiting for him to jump out with the BOO face yelling - "Just kiddin!" Seriously. He is so sweet and so good to me there has to be something up... I'm a lucky girl. This man single handedly kicked up my Lady Death collection! (Woohoo! Who's Lady Death? WHAT! Bite your tongue! Only the coolest female comic character EVER!!!) He is awesome to bring home to the parents, kid loves him, friends love him, he's good looking, funny, artistic, AND.... he rubs my feet.

He's pretty much opposite from all the men I've ever been with and it's very scary. I don't know how to respond to the lack of drama. I also don't know how to feel about being accepted as I am... or loved on such an intellectual and physical level. All of this is not nearly as scary as feeling like damaged goods most times. Am I giving enough back? For the last several months I've felt like a sham. Trying to rapidly reprogram my brain and desperately trying to get over some things that I knew would take time. There was a moment the other night where he and I were very close. Now, in my pre-exclusive relationship with this man I did some serious investigation. I know HE would never hurt me... he would never hurt a flea. This I do know. But, with one slow moving hand that made its way around my neck mid-kiss I freaked out. Tears, blubbering, it was a foolish mess. My brain took me right back to that house, with that other man, hand around my neck with a much different purpose. What the hell! So he tells me: I'm glad you are comfortable enough to cry around me... we just won't do that... I'm sorry... you aren't damaged goods.

I am a crazy mess at times. It is the biggest comfort knowing that whatever I am, I am loved. But I think... instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop... or finding strangeness in my situation... I'm going to enjoy every moment of this. He's got the love.....

Morning Poetry: in the afternoon...

I had a hard time deciding weither or not to post this poem.  Mostly, because I wrote it for and with one soul in mind.  But he got to read it first... and gave me go ahead to post his piece.  Considering the context of my blog... here goes nothin!

Feeling Foreign

How does it make you feel,

He says,

As if I know in my heart,

What my head alleges.

As if my head knows,

What my heart expresses.

But I am free to design,

The new constructs of my mind.

BUT Heart, heart, heart.

Not intellectualizing my emotions,

Makes them difficult to reach,

But I will do your bidding.

(Because I love you.) 

My body warms,

My mouth grins.

My heart skips ahead.

I am physically yours,

My composition ticks.

I feel like I am traveling,

In a space I do not know well.

Traveling, like you,

In a crazy world.

When you are gone,

You are gone too long, love.

When you are near,

You are never nearly near enough.

When you smile,

My Handsome man,

I get lost in your sapphire blue eyes,

For years and years and years,

Where you and I dance under the stars,

Where my head against your chest,

Is the perfect rest,

For your chin.

Fitting like a nail in wood,

Building and constructing,

The un-perfect perfect.

As we hang on for the ride,

Of life and love,

Mingling new and old,

And desire and hope.

But for now,

Smitten and anxious.

Mostly unknowing.

When you cry, dear one,

I want to gently stroke,

The pains from your brow,

And banish them from your heart,

Or at least help you understand,

That I understand,

That you understand.

Hearts break when you love,

It’s a chance you take,

Chances taken,

I take and you take.

When you grab my hand,

You grab my heart, boy.

I feel like an aged fawn,

Hunted and captured,

With ardor not gun.

And for a moment,

I can see my life played out,

In fear and fretfulness,
Elation and relief.

When I cradle your noble face,

In the palms of my hands,

I can feel this to my core:

A new adventure I have no,

Business passing by.

Shaking my foundations,

And building not on,

The sands of before,

But with stone and mortar,

On the mountainside of,

Fresh infatuation;

Considerate friendship;

And adulations that seem no end.

Not in my eyes.

And not in my heart.

I feel silly!

I feel silly,

For apperceiving so early on.

I feel bold and daring.

I feel the excitement of a child,

But at most I feel that,

Love in you,

And in I is by far,

An amazing trip,

One of the most exciting of,

Foreign countries. 

~Mme. Pamela McCreight 2010~

Travelling the speed of light...

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

by e e cummings

I love e e cummings mostly because he just puts his thoughts to paper.  He didn't typically use punctuation or capitalization.  He just let er rip.  He didn't give two pence what the rules were or what people thought.  He let his words and thoughts be what they were.  It's impressive to say the least.  Which got me to thinking about a few things the last few days. 

First of, confinement.  Those rules that society, culture and other infiltrators place on us every single day of our lives.  We think this way because societal norms tell us to.  We want these things because every other Joe Blow wants them.  We are no longer able to grasp concepts with the vision of childhood.  Children haven't learned all of these confinements yet; we teach them, pass them down from one generation to another... picking up new ones along the way.  So the blank slate that beautiful babes are born with eventually become filled - just like mine currently is - with crazy rules that stifle the way we dress to the way we talk and think and most peculiar - love.

What if we ONLY taught our children the golden rule - do unto others... Could you imagine the explosion of creativity and thought and love?

Okay - I'm going out on a limb.  I recently read an article about genetics/ DNA and RNA and how science is doing fabulous things mapping out the specific arms of genes and how they are the road maps that determine our eye color, body shape even some personality and behavior.  But there is still a bunch they do not know... there is a lot of matter they have no idea what the use of it would be.  They have determined that it is possibly the recessive characteristics that we do not follow.  So when our cells continually reconstruct themselves, they use the same pattern over and over again.  A child born with a genetic liver condition will always have that liver condition - because the cells know no other way.

I also recently read an article that stated that a simple change of mind could have us taking different paths on our road map to life.  The power of our minds is not fully understood.  I try everyday to reprogram my master computer as I see fit.  Why is it that I believe it only works some of the time or for certain occasions?  What if, with simple thoughts, we could change our eye color.... WHAT???  And why would I think it was crazy to assume that we could possibly activate our recessive genes in order to work for us?  (And how many of you are reading this thinking I've lost my marbles.) 

Don't pretend like you've never had a far out and odd thought.  Might I suggest you tell someone about it.  I just did - and it is quite liberating.

Now, Mr. Cummings not using proper punctuation also makes me think about individuality.  While he is writing with his own unique style he tells a story about how the love of his life is always near.  If not in person, he carries her with him via her essence; her heart.  Most contradictory to the standard Webster dictionary entries of individual. 

I've been having some great email conversations with a dear friend lately.  They are very spiritual in nature with an extreme mete out style.  She has shared a great deal about her own personal experiences that reflect my very own.  And having lived  a parallel existence, has some amazing words of wisdom.  But she's not the only one lifting me up these days.

It's nice to know that individuality and dependence can co-exist proven by my fellow humans sharing their life experiences with me.  It's a simple thought: I want you in my life but I don't need you.  I need you in my life because you lift me up (not hold me down.)

I've always felt that I needed to have my own identity but could never balance that identity with my desire to share my life with another.  It could be as simple as not having the right person in my life.  It could be that I wasn't emotionally or mentally mature enough to fully understand the sovereign nature of the matter.  Regardless, here I am.  And I feel like things are falling into place for once.  Hard as it is sometimes, I've contracted this "It is what it is" attitude.  It hides from me occasionally when I become unsure of myself, or when I feel like my head is going to spin off from all of these changes pulling out my insecurities and doubt that I can do this.  But it's getting much easier.

I read this cummings poem last weekend.  I instantly thought back to it in a flash yesterday... I sent word out via text that my sis-in law was at the hospital with baby shortly to follow.  I got one back that said - Wish I was there.  Ugh.  Heart in my throat, fluttery butterflies, and true faith that whatever trip I'm on - I just might be using the right road map these days.  Even though he wasn't present physically, he was present... I was carrying his heart, and he mine.

Phrenic blitzkreig...

Yeah, I did it.  I jumped off the ledge of love.  But as I'm falling - I keep noticing the drag... you know, the kind that keeps you from falling fast and hard.  A slight uplifting draft trying to push me back up.  So I had to sit and think yesterday.  Seriously, this isn't my typical style.  What is my problem?

My boyfriend is hot, yes.  But he is so many other things.  He's the kind of guy that will open doors, pull out your chair and order for you.  But he's also the kind of guy that allows me to be strong and independent and open my own door when I want without his feelings being hurt.  Our first kiss - he didn't ask to kiss me.  He didn't have to.  So he reads me quite well.  He's the kind of guy that walks next to me, not 10 feet in front or behind me... and he holds my hand - something that I'm trying to get used to (it's not hard at all.)  He is sweet, kind and caring.  He is spiritual.  He has such a lovable good-nature.  He's on a charity trip this weekend! ( :o(  <--pouty because I want him close more often than not.)  He's taking comic books to a boy in Seattle that is dying from cancer.  He took a big part in creating these books.  The boy is the lead character - wanted to be a Superhero through the Make a Wish foundation.  And now he is forever immortalized in Comics - as a hero.  How awesome is that????  This man melts my heart and is closer to my soul than any man that I have had the pleasure of knowing.  He, in every sense, is like my missing puzzle piece.  He fits me!  His views on life and love and soul are strikingly similar to my own.  I feel like we're on the same team (for once!  a teammate!)  I could go on and on... about how I feel that God played a big role in why he is in my life.  Even if it doesn't work the way I hope it does, I am so thankful to be able to step outside of my box and let this be what it is.... as hard as that is to do.

So all of this amazing subculture what is my deal?

I think it is fear.  Fear that I may place him on my proverbial pedestal... Shine light on his face and not allow him to be human because I have constructed this perfect image of him or this ideal picture of us.  Fear that I am closer to my past than I am to my present and future, maybe?  Fear of the unknown.  Fear that all those things I have been told that I was up to this point are true and I will always have the same problems - just as proclaimed - no matter where I go.  And what if he puts me up on the pedestal... and I let him down?  Have I been entirely myself through this process?  Is he in love with the me that I think I am?

I had a moment yesterday where I was cuddling this soft, sweet smelling babe.... about 4 weeks old.  I could feel my body turn to mother mode, you know - pats on the bottom, swaying back and forth,  humming under my breath, seeing nothing but light.  To me and my heart, babies are perfection.  I love children.  That's why I want to be a teacher.  That's why I want to be a mother.  Sometimes I have to stop and wonder if it is my great love, or if it is just that animalistic nature - where we are all programed to breed and populate... just like every other living thing.  But I don't think so.  When I was young, that was my heart's desire.  When I was 20, same.  30?  Oh yeah... still the same.  Having an awesome little family unit of my own, a great partner in crime and babies to chase around.  Everything else, I imagined, would fall into place - job, location, whatever other concerns life throws.  I just wanted to be a woman that could spread her love to her family - hold my man and my children when they needed, and nudge them when they needed.  But to ALWAYS stand by them... to have them stand beside me too.  Not controlled or swayed, just a good life lead by unseen hands... with stuff that builds character and depth of relationship.  It's way more to me than genetic encoding to go forth and procreate.

I thought I had something close when I was with my x-husband.  But found once issues arrived in a bouncing bundle of joy, aka Rory with huge hospital bills and a grime outlook, that Rory and I weren't worth standing by.  He duck tailed and ran off with his friends and avoided us most of the time.  He was upset that medical bills were going to interfere with his lifestyle... and to this very day, even being ordered by the court to pay half of those costs, rarely does he.  But he does have some cool cars and a nice house and a woman who stands behind those things.... so his vision and mine did not coincide.

And here I am, to start all over again.  It's scary, mostly because I am 33 years old.  It takes time to build up to something as I envision.  Something my heart yearns for.  And it's depressing because try as I might, it may never come to fruition.  And while I'll gladly fall off my ledge into love with a super awesome man whom I believe shares the same desires, you really never know.  To see that vision and try to cram your situation into that box is not allowing it to grow and be what it is meant to be.  It scares me because I don't want to take my preconceived notions with me on this journey.  But, I've let go of so many things up to this point... and I'm trying really really hard to let go of this one vision... I just feel like this desire is part of what makes me who I am. 

Damn my analytical mind and all these silly constricting mental dilemmas.  But you never know unless you try.  So I'm just going to do my best, I suppose, and see how that works out for me.  What will be will be... (rapidly trying to reprogram...)

What will be will be!

Morning Poetry

Oh, sorrowful heart of mine,

Where did the time go?

Sworn lifetime love in line,

Lost to the sea of character,

But remembered with tears,

And faded memories,

And fears.

Oh, misplaced head of mine,

What will you do now?

Endurance in strife and grief and time,

Burgeoning  suspicions of fortitude,

Quieted only by an inner quest,

And unrequited hope,

And rest.

Oh, lost soul of mine,

Where will you find your comfort?

In the eyes of love and life.

Patiently waiting for further stars to align,

Known not destined alone,

And hems are matched up,

And sewn.

Oh, asomatous parts of mine

What is this?

Ovid’s good is like wine,

Seeking and searching a place,

Where heart and head and soul are one,

And love is not lost,

But begun!

Inspired by Ovid: "Bear and endure: This sorrow will one day prove to be for your good."

And it has....

 

~Mme. Pamela McCreight 2010~

Need some crackers, Casper?

Cheese.  It's what's on the menu lately.  As soon as I told my heart it was okay... it shoots off into the sky like a rocket batted from Cape Canaveral.  And I haven't seen neither hide nor hair of it since.  It isn't every day that I let it get away... in fact, hardly ever.  I can count on one hand, actually.  And each time, I fall into this sappy sweet sickening mess.... It got me to thinking about how my CHEESE is perceived.

The first time, I was in high school - freshman year.  I dated this boy that I had a mad crush on.  He wasn't just any boy... he was on the football team, tall and handsome and I figured out of my league.  As soon as the sparks started flying (in our two week soiree) and I wrote love notes, drawings and the like, the kid left a rooster tail of mud and deep tracks trying to get away from me....

The second time, I was still in high school (senior year) and I was dating this man that was a few years older than me.  It took me a while to come around to the love quotient... but when I did, he actually reciprocated.  He was a flowers and love notes kind of guy... I was a love notes and mixed tape kind of girl.  It was a lot of fun till he lost his crackers... and I had nothing to pair with my cheese.

The third time, which I thought would be the charm, came right after the second.  I fell so hard and so fast with very little warning.  But he didn't have enough bark to catch the sap... so it oozed to the ground and made a sticky mess of everything.  When I got a chance to further that connection a decade later, it happened all over again, like I didn't learn a thing the first time around.  I spent some time thinking about what are common stumbling blocks in ANY relationship (even those with no romantic interest) and decided on a little game.  I proudly purchased all of the crap I needed to construct this little game.  The idea was - every time you felt appreciation towards your partner, you would place a shiny heart in their jar... just to let them know, even if you didn't get around to personally doing so.  I sunk a lot of thought into this one.  When the gift was received, I got accused of fabricating a competition.  I was a love letters, poetry writing, mixed tape, silly gifts, thoughtful gestures kind of a girl that had no outlet.  So I shut the faucet off and I haven't used it in a few years.

Now, as I know that it will happen at any moment since I have allowed myself the option of loving again... I think something got stuck in the pipes.  I have a feeling that once obtrusive object is removed... somebody better watch themselves.... either he or me... I haven't decided.  We already gross people out because we act like a bunch of crazed buffoons.  And little non-monetary tokens, such as words, have been slightly exchanged.  Just hope he has galoshes... cause I sense a cut loose... a dam busting open... and I'll do it as good as any white girl can...

Cheese... who'da thunk.  What a dork.