Are you tall enough to stand behind?

It is, after all, a question I have found myself asking frequently throughout my life.  I've spent a lot of time with folks in the past that had a tendency to break me down instead of holding me up or standing behind me.  It left me with questions of my self worth... which is worthless.  It's the kinda stuff that brings your confidence to nil.  My motto is, especially the last 6 months, people are just people... but somehow I neglected to apply it to me, myself and I.

The last few days over the holiday I've spent a lot of time at boyfriend's side.  Right at this very moment, as I sit in my bed alone ( :o\ ), propped up, hammering away at this ol' keyboard trying to gather my thoughts of the beautiful and amazing time that we've shared... I think he is one of the wisest men I know.  Maybe it's because he knows exactly what I need to hear at the exact right moment.  He inadvertently wipes out and deletes programming that has been set for years... for years of hearing about all the things that I do wrong or all the personality traits that I have that are absolutely terrible... he pipes up about exactly why things that I thought were awful about myself are actually some of my most strong attributes to him. 

After my friend's memorial service today, some of my girlfriends and I had lunch.  I relayed to them, if it goes no further than it has between he and I, I have learned one valuable lesson.... there are good guys out there... and I am worth the happiness I seek.  There is no turning back.  Life doesn't have to be so hard.  There are good guys out there... and I am now the proud owner of that proof.

During my date tonight, Boyfriend (with ESPN) says if it were all to end today - I hope you at least walk away knowing you are worth it.  Me - worth it - yep.  He said something about being happy too... feeling is mutual.  (We decided that we don't want it to end, though... so continue:) I still have a hard time buying it all... mostly because THIS is not like anything I have ever been a part of.  There is no comparison.  This isn't my comfortable normal.  There is no drama.  There is awesome communication.  There is a great desire to see each other succeed.  There is no mock up or fake props.  The best part is - my ego hasn't showed up for this event.  I don't have to fight to be myself - so she stays away.  It's like we fit together (going out on a limb here) like we were made for one another in every way.  Now, I know that it's only been a few months... and I also know that we RECENTLY kicked it up a notch.  I also understand that we don't live together and we spend a lot of time apart due to circumstances.  But every time we are together I walk away with this feeling - Where the heck have you been all my life???? HuH?

Maybe... because this isn't the first time that we've bumped into each other... I had to learn some lessons the hard way to be more appreciative of my here and now.  I have to tell you this quirky cute sickly sweet little story - My most recent X and I dated before... about 12 years ago or so.  When he broke it off that time, I kinda went on this partying binge with my girlfriends.  I met a lot of guys at the bar... to include my X-husband.  The night I met the X-husband (who was my best friend's blind date) I bumped into Matt.  He was a raft guide... I remember how easy he was to talk to and how much we had in common then.  BUT, alas the X-husband had me in his cross-hairs and I didn't stand a chance.  Matt eventually became a part of my story - I shoulda pursued the river rat instead of the dirty rat... I heedlessly kept him alive in my heart, I guess, for a later date to be announced at the most convenient time.  So this Matt guy becomes interested in using his Art degree to teach kiddos... and a chance meeting to pass off information regarding my employer had us bumping into each other again.  I didn't realize it right away that day, till he turned just so and I caught his profile - instant recognition.  He'll tell you that as soon as it clicked in my brain I had some silly grin on my face that couldn't have been removed with a jackhammer.  That was in June.  It took me a while to fully come around... as he told me this evening... all the way down to the first kiss.  And then the kiss after that - were we couldn't really get the job done because I was smiling too much.  It's a great story... and makes me beam stupidly when I think about it.  I am, after all, Scots-Irish... and that's part of the accord - the folklore.

So back to my question.  Am I tall enough to stand behind?  You know... get behind me ride my crazy train for a while... Be with ME.  My answer is undoubtedly yes.... It's not this shaky idea that I feel would be nice to 'achieve'.  My answer is - I have always been worthy of being treated like a human.  I have always been deserving of love.  I am not a possession.  I am not a punching bag.  I am not all of those things that other mirrors have reflected... for their own self preservation.  Maybe by keeping me low I would never realize these facts: I have value.  I am a part of this world just the way I am. 

I can't say it enough lately... but I am one lucky kid.  I have such an amazing life... an awesome miracle baby that lights my every day and night too, a tremendously strong family that I love to the ends of the earth and beyond, incredibly supportive and loving friends that I would do anything for... and if that wasn't good enough, I have been blessed with more days on this side of the grass with such a good hearted, intensely loving and wickedly handsome man.  Not only do I feel tall enough...but connected, grounded and worthy.  Lucky and happy... and grateful.  It's a good place to be.