The best gift....

Okay, so there was a bit of speculation as to what I would be getting this year for Christmas (yes - I am telling the story).... And it goes like this.  In the course of usual conversation SOMEONE asked about the procedure pertaining to engagement rings.  In other words, we were having a normal conversation and my boyfriend randomly (and out of context) asked my how the deal works.... does the girl go with you to pick it out... do you just pick it out and hope for the best?  An odd topic a few weeks before Christmas.  And one, confirmed by the CSFAC handyman who happened to bump into today's discussion with the girls at work, that a man just doesn't talk about.  They talk about football, farts and that cute girl with the big perky breasts at the 5 and 9..... but most definitely, not about engagement rings unless they are thinking about them.  Which is what I assumed... but figured that it was nothing but a mere passing thought.  We've had this discussion before.  And, I was pretty sure we were on the same page... but this caused one raised eyebrow.

So rewind - I sent my boss (and now boyfriend's boss too) an email wishing her a very merry Christmas... got a reply which stated "Can't wait to see your ring!"  Which had me promptly texting boyfriend to see if he said anything to boss lady about what he got me for Christmas... and HIS reply was - "I can neither confirm nor deny..."  (Boss lady messes with me all the time.  She had Matt and I married off 5 months ago after meeting him the first time.)

"SHIT!" is what I said out loud... not because it's a bad thang... I just had some serious thinking to do - just in case.  Just in case!  What would I say?  Because I love this man to the moon.  But we've only been seriously dating for a few months.  I had to completely leave my head out.... What does my heart say? 

I flipped backwards through the pages of my life....  I thought back to when I was married before.  Why did I say yes then?  How did I feel at that moment in time?  What about knowing someone fully... can you ever really know someone?  Where do you even begin to understand the complexity of the issue?  The sensitive nature of maintaining individuality while combining lives and keeping the flames afire... it's not easy.  And it becomes an even bigger chore when you make a bad choice.  Before, I was a heartbroken weak individual.  I was ready to just get my life going.  And I had hit a low spot in the road.  I was a square peg in a round hole in my last marriage.  It never fit exactly... even from the beginning.  I could never get comfortable... I couldn't be myself... but I said YES because I saw a safe and prosperous future.... I just assumed I would assimilate and all would work out.  When I think of it - it was like the difference of a wild animal being caught and caged in a zoo -vs- a zoo born animal residing at the zoo... there is an uncomfortable discongruity.  For this I am not proud.  People got hurt.  But I also reserve the right of immaturity.  I was only 21. 

I flipped forward a few pages... what is it that I really want in my life -  really.  To be myself. To be accepted for who I am.  To have a partner in crime, a best friend, a lover, an undying support system. 

Can I truly apply this to my present situation?  I'm not in this relationship because it doesn't fit and I'm determined to make it.  I'm not here out of convenience.   I'm in this because my heart and head and soul are present, humbled, adored and nurtured.  I want to be exactly where I am.  I am accepted as I am.... by one of the greatest friends I have known.... It's early though.  I can't imagine what a united front this will be in months or in years...and it's exciting.  We also haven't been in a fight yet... a few months in and no reason to fight.  THAT IS A FIRST FOR ME! 

So I didn't get a ring.... for which I was glad.  I know what I would say, now... at least.  (But I'm not telling you...)  And my best gift this year.... a ring that I didn't receive that allowed me to live deeply in my PRESENT.