I can feel you breathing...

It started with recalling one of my favorite quotes.... No, maybe it started at dinner... So I was sitting there feeding my most beautiful new niece the bottle of warm fluid she craved, gazing into her big blue eyes.  I kinda lost track of everything that was going on around me - the rest of my family and my most amazing boyfriend that is soon becoming a part of that piece faster than I can think it, all enjoying some good laughs before dinner was served.  I mislaid my convictions on her precious face, happily savoring the noise around us.  It was a bonding moment, for sure, but I couldn't help but notice what a lucky kid she is.  Born into a family to include two loving doting parents, a smart and beautiful big sister, the best grandparents in the world, a cousin who thinks she's the bee's knees, an auntie that loves her to the moon and back.... all sitting around a big table sharing a moment.  Maybe it wasn't noticed by all.  Maybe it was only special to me.  But regardless - it was a moment.

Before my soul was born into this life... before my eyes opened for the very first time,  I bought a ticket.  I didn't know where I was going or what lay ahead of me.  I can only use my experiences to associate... like the day I purchased tickets to ride the Euro rail for the first time ever, except there is no planning on my part.  Money exchanged hands and I could only imagine what I was going to witness... I just knew it was a ride through France, Belgium and Germany.  I brought all kinds of things to keep my brain occupied on the long trip... but I never needed those distractions... Old buildings, Farmers working, Slums by the rail side, Vineyards and vineyards and vineyards, Green rolling hills and Steep jagged mountainsides, Rivers and streams and EARTH I had never seen before... I couldn't remove my face from the window.  It was exciting... amazing... breathtaking. 

But so is my life.  Yeah, things have happened in my life that I sometimes wish hadn't... or choices I wish I would have made differently.  Who doesn't?  I've been asking God for faith and willingness to let go.  I think it has been an important part of my current process.  Stuff happens.  Even the slums by the rail side were awesome to witness.   And in the end, I still managed to make it to my destination with a new knowledge.... cars on blocks happen everywhere.  The landscape is always different... but makes for a great distraction on the journey.

I find myself in a moment in time that I, for once, did not create on my own.  So many instances of God in my life lately that it's almost hard to breathe... and it makes me cry, joyfully of course.  Like meeting my friend Jeff... not knowing of his existence a day beforehand, rescuing my sorry butt off the side of the road.  On the ride back to help, we discovered that we shared a mutual friend... who later in the summer passed away in a tragic car accident.  He's been great for me... as I hope I've been able to help him cope... and that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't known each other a minute prior.  Or like the circumstances that brought me very close with my family again... I nearly lost touch with why they are important people in my life - being caught up in my own drama.  I am close enough to be here now, especially for my mother and father, especially today as they deal with my Dad's medical struggles.  When my parents are gone, which I pray doesn't happen anytime in the near future, I will remember these days... mostly the love - how much they love me and I them.   Like the understanding I've found in my child and the peace that comes with being a responsible loving parent and watching how that all comes to fruition when he hugs me every night.  Like the friends in my life... Like the place that I work....The little opportunities that find me... and the ones I find...like the beautiful sunrises and sunsets... cotton ball clouds and jagged mountaintops... And last but not least... the man in my life.  It sounds lame, but I know he was hand picked. 

God throws a brick through your window when you don't listen.... He, like a parent, will take you by the shoulders and shake things up.  When you land - you figure out the purpose.  Had I not bought the ticket... I wouldn't be on this ride.  My ideas of love and life would would still be set....  I can stand proud and strong; traveling the rails of sulmagundi my train has rounded a corner and brought me to this terribly beautiful landscape I now call my life.

Life is messy.  Life is also sweet.  I think that it's the "finally coming to terms" gig with me lately.  I can feel it... the love, the beauty, what's important and what is not.  I feel like I am engaging in the ride fully, this very moment, right now.  The train is barrelling along... and I bought the ticket.  I'm taking the ride.  I am amazed at the beauty of the WHOLE landscape...

So as I caressed that sweet baby's head to sleep, I could feel her deep breathing... I hope she will know how exquisite this ride can be... 

"Buy the ticket, take the ride." ~Hunter S. Thompson