The Coterminous Idea...

One foot goes in front of the other.  These are steps you take every day.  You never think about these steps... it's just the natural order and second nature of locomotion.  Movement - mostly forward, occasionally backward.  Progression - like the smallest snowball gathering snow and speed on it's decent down a hill... It grows and grows and grows.  Just like my love and comfort in my current relationship.  We've been discussing the next logical step.  Perhaps, cohabitation is on the menu... I am terrified for a few reasons...

First of all, I am not a solo mission.  I have a four foot tall monkey to worry about.  And I'm torn most times.  When I was a child, my parents didn't consider my opinions in the decision making processes that would affect my family.  But I do care what my child has to say.  I usually DO consider his input before making major decisions.  I feel that it makes him take ownership in challenges and changes. 

I brought the topic up to Weeman yesterday before he started out the door.  He seemed quite excited about it.  But also reminded me that I promised he could finish this year at his school.  We've been talking about moving anyhow.  We've been considering the Northwest, as his dad has a job opportunity there and when it was approached, I had no ties but my family to Colorado. 

Rory loves Matt, but still unsure of him mostly because he doesn't know him well.  I haven't allowed a terrible amount of interaction until I was sure this one would hang around.  I carry an abundant amount of guilt with me... because every heartbreak I have endured - he too has faced.  I try my best to keep the lines of communication open and discuss things with him - which I feel is totally arbitrary for a child of his age to know about.  But, quite frankly, I ease that contrition knowing he has a true picture of real life.  Sometimes it is cruel and unfair.  Sometimes things just don't go they way you planned.  On the same hand, I am confident that the more time Matt and Rory spend with each other - they will grow to love each other - just as I love both of them.  Both are so easy to love....

When he got home from school, he informed me that he "thought all day" about the idea of moving in with Matt.  He told me he would rather try to move back in with the X.  UGH!  I've had multiple conversations with this child about how it's okay to love.... freely and openly.  But how it is also important to know the difference in good and bad relationships.  Healthy vs unhealthy.  He's so perceptive.  He's learned far more from me than the things I have told him.  I haven't always known the difference, either.  It took this last slap in the face for me to wake the hell up.  When you love yourself enough (to know that you deserve to be happy and treated with respect) you can freely give love to others.  If you miss this important step, things can get a little wonky.  If you have two people in any sort of relationship come together - loving themselves and each other - you have the makings of salubrity.  You and your actions come from love.  And the notation of self, or at least the semblance of the golden rule - I wouldn't do that to you because I wouldn't do that to me or want it done to me - would shine through, despite the occasional flub.

While there were moments of greatness in my last relationship.... and although Rory had his own relationship with him.... all hinged on whatever mood that man was in at any given moment.  He could swing from happy, caring and giving to a righteous self loathing turd in mere minutes... or days.  And you never knew which man you were going to get - at any given moment.  He didn't like himself, and made sure those closest to him were on his level.  He was plentiful with put-downs and scarce with gratefulness.  Now, while I am all for humans being human... and try to have empathy and understanding (obviously to a fault or at least to my own demise)...  AND since I have forgiven this man and wish him the best.... I don't want him in my life in any fashion ever again.  He took it too far and I could never trust him to be a thread in my life - ever again.  And, as an adult, I can say that.... As a child, I hope Rory gets this sooner rather than later.

I am also anxious.  I've spent my fair share of grieving the last twelve years of my life... in particular, the last three.  But it's over now.  Sometimes, I feel as if I am not giving enough credit to the last three years.  Sometimes, I feel like those years have just blown away in the wind...  Even when I try to focus, I can't see his face.  I'm not sad about this - in any way shape or form.  I just feel like maybe I'm being careless.  Maybe I've repressed it?  Maybe it really is over - which is odd because it has been a big part of my life for over a decade!  And just like that - POOF - Gone.  Strange days.  And here I am - NOT even a year later... with this amazing man that holds me up - not down.... and respects me, loves me, truly cares....  I KNOW, with every fiber of my being, that he would never hurt me, let alone a flee... and especially my child.  And more than these great things - I love myself! I took enough time to find me... I have been honest to my heart and to him through this whole deal.  I'm finally listening to my HEART!  I chalk it up to being at the right place at the exact right time.... and knowing that the universe provides...That God has my back... and I'm on the path meant just for me... 

On another note.... While I was consistently and constantly told what a terrible person I am to live with by the X - I always felt like what he was saying was over critical - because I'd never heard of these grievances in past cohabitation experiences and I always felt like he wouldn't be happy with anything I ever did anyway.  But what if he was right.... What if I just don't want to believe all of those things about myself.  What if the few others just didn't have the balls to say anything to me... What if I screw up one of the best things in my life because I'm a terrible wench to live with?

I am nervous and a bit scared - all tiny insecurities.  I pray that it's the best decision for both me and my little man.  I am excited too.  More so than these other twinges, in my heart I know this is a step in the right direction.  When in the presence of this man, I am at utter peace.  I feel like I'm home.  And I can't wait for the opportunity to take it to the next level.  I can't wait to spend the time with both of my boys any time I want.