To lose yourself and then find yourself in a good-bye... To go a lifetime with acute hindsight... To watch your hopes fall inside... To watch memories fade in fade out and then further out... To have a moment of peace while wide awake when sleep is on your mind.
To lose yourself and find yourself in a simple hello... To go a lifetime in mere moments with lofty foresight... To watch hope lift up to the skies... To make memories today and every day henceforth... To have a moment of peace while wide awake when dreams are on your mind.
The problem that I find with love is this: Sometimes I do not know when to turn on and/or turn off the faucet. Sometimes I do not know when to stop... and sometimes when to start. I am this tender hearted creature... sometimes scared... always fragile... set free to spend her love as she so chooses. I have not always known, despite the many blatant logical slaps to the face by realism, how to spend wisely. It's my fault. And no one else's. But is this just the impressive yet cruel nature of the beast?
Letters forming words fall out of my mouth like heavy bricks - these glimpses into my heart and how I've misspent my fortunes from time to time find me crying for being such a complete idiot from time to time. Syllables forming phrases fly out of my mouth with a thousand fluttering wings hitching a ride on a current... words I hope to say over and over and over making ME smile for being such a lucky girl over and over and over again.
Love can't save anyone... but it saves everyone. It is an unidentifiable mysterious power. It negates most explanations. Some days it is clear... some days - clear as mud.
Sometimes, on nights just like this, when I am able to see both sides of this coin as if peeled and side by side... I don't understand how circumstance and evidence could ever possibly BE so radically incomparable. Facing something so brutal and ugly.... and staring down the barrel of absolute beauty. And to have the opportunity to see both in one lifetime?
What breaks my heart the most of recent love gone by is the fact that me, lover girl, can barely remember any times... but recalls the fright of one most fateful night. And that is all... Love splattered and killed over ego and will and anger and fear and nothing near the essence of love - plain love, pure love, sweet love, lasting love... And that is it... no more love. Was it love?
Love knows not the time of day or night. You can say stop... but it beats brighter and stronger than the sun and moon... and has no use for seconds or minutes or hours. And when that object of your affections skips ahead or behind a frame, the movie plays on in your head or in your heart... plain love, pure love sweet love, lasting love.... never really goes away.
And then one day fate grabs ME by the hand and drags me kicking and screaming to a place and a face that my heart knows all too well. Every moment seems to speed by in slow motion... all too fast but slow enough to observe... Trust, friendship and an electrical current sparking and grounding and finding a level. Plain love. Pure Love. Sweet Love. LASTING LOVE!
Is that the promise of love? As stark as night and day? As brilliant as a million stars through a moonless witching hour or as mute as a windless diurnal not rustling the trees? To finally understand the difference of love worth while and love worth nothing?
The quandary of love is nothing more than a promise that it exists. Rare in forms and obtainable through heart.
A promise that love is still here....
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
ReplyDeleteLove suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek it's own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
The entire Bible is a love letter from God to us. :) Scripture even states, "but the greatest of these is love" when talking about the commandments. Many regret anger, bitterness, wronging....but even though love lost hurts, you cannot regret sharing love. Christ died to share God's love for us. It was painful, and he didn't deserve to die, yet I know He has no regrets over the great sacrifice he did, in love. People don't go to the grave saying, "I regret that I loved too much." They regret, they didn't love more, if anything. :)
I fully agree... And I quote that verse frequently. BUT that is why I say - Was it love? I know what I have now is beautiful, and even if it doesn't last my lifetime physically - it will stick with me forever. The prior - I just get angry because I suffered through some pretty serious domestic violence that haunts me from time to time. I feel like I am stronger, mentally, than to let that one incident take over my emotions... in turn, makes me angry. I am a lover - not a fighter... and I question from time to time what exactly did I have to learn through that... I gave my love... and I feel as if I misspent... It's a mental game...
ReplyDeleteAnd to make myself more clear... I love without expectations and generally pass it along to all that I meet. But what I do expect is that I am smart enough to understand that there are some people worth my love and some that are not. I am responsible for continually putting myself either in an unhealthy OR a healthy relationship.
ReplyDeleteOccasionally - these night frights haunt me... and they are especially hard to deal with because I don't like living with barriers. It seems I have forgiven... but having a hard time with the forgetting part.
The proof is in the pudding... It didn't make me afraid to love - 'my love is a sea boundless and measureless' and grows every day.
And so it is - not sure what the lesson was... and I am glad to know that I am still capable of something beautiful.