Occasionally, waves of fear roll in over me like that gentle crash against a sandy beach... the humming noise you hear whilst standing at the edge of any ocean... mummers that remind you the water is in constant movement. When I close my eyes, I see it as frothy salt water lapping at my feet. Those waters don't belong to any shore...
Most of the time, however, love bursts up from my insides - like the lava from a cone. Blowing the side of a mountain and spewing molten rock from the depths of this Earth that I travel on. When I close my eyes, I see it as golden light radiating from within me. I always try to push it as far and wide as I can imagine. It is, after all, love. It doesn't belong to me.
When I sit and ponder these two separate thoughts, I come to one canny conclusion: Love and Fear are bedded together. My thoughts stroll deeper into that very meaning... The flourishing and languishing aspects of both.... I feel, to my depths and to my core, that balance is the key.
My current fears are thus: Not putting my best foot forward at any given moment. Not being perceived as I truly am. Not bequeathing the world all the contributions I CAN make. And lastly, the unknown future.
At one point in my life, I landed a job as a receptionist for an insurance agency. I was 20 years old... and it was $1,000 a month. I was pretty stoked. I found I was really good at the job... eventually, as my financial needs increased, I found myself as an insurance agent - and not a paid monkey... I was really successful at it. But my heart was heavy. I didn't grow up with dreams of selling some poor sap the most fitting Auto and Home policy. I always wanted to be a teacher. At the ripe old age of 30 years old, I decided for the love of my dreams, that my fears to go back to school were highly unreasonable. It wasn't about the money... Teachers make far less than a good salesman. And so here I am... I'm still afraid - budget cuts and the lack of focus on the importance of education.... The fact that after some investigation I discovered that teachers with a BA are more likely to get a job than teachers with an MA... Am I even going to be able to teach when I reach the finish line?
I have faith because I love what I do. I teach now at a posh little non-profit art school... educating the younger generation what I know and involving them in my love for new knowledge and, of course, art. It is most fulfilling to see excitement on their faces when they GET something I show to them. It is the most extravagant of challenge to keep with students to see them to success...
Had I held onto my fear, I wouldn't have this feeling of completion... the feeling that I am exactly where I belong. Had I not been willing to share my love of education I wouldn't be where I am at today... teaching and learning all at the same time.
This cris-cross can apply to romantic relationships too! I've had my fair share of unbalance to land or sea.... But right now, a firm fettle can be found in my life. A blanket of love accumulating and gaining speed alongside a healthy fear of things unknown. Not out and out fright, but that gentle crashing reminder that the waters are always turning; usually washing ashore fortunes I could've never imagined.
For those who have told me to love without fear... show me how it's done. For those who have shown me that fear is greater than love... well, you aren't in my life anymore for a reason. Fear and Love lying in the same bed - I've had to let go to find this balance. You can't stake claim to either. Both have resonated for far longer than my days, or yours for that matter. And today, I am perfectly comfortable with the level where land meets sea...
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