Antoine De Saint-Exupery once said, "What saves a man is to take a step. And then another..." Which is exactly what I have done in my life. I try to move forward, even when it's tough, even when I'd rather sit, even when I'm not sure where I'm going or which direction is best. I move forward. It's been my thang since I was a wee lass.
The thing about moving forward, that I have noticed, is stuff changes all the time regardless if you have your foot on the gas or the brake. Stepping forward or back... Thoughts, feelings, processes, even to the tangible material factors... I've been pondering long and hard the last few weeks if in my forward moving life, was it really necessary to run? Have I allowed myself the pace at which absolute healing can take place? And not just for myself, but for others that my life affects in some fashion, such as Rory, my family, my friends... my x's and notably, anyone I currently find myself in a relationship with. And aside from that, the healing I proclaim to the world, is it really healthy? Or just a de-flaked scab paying no mind to the concealed dirt, debris and infection just below the surface.... just awaiting boil over? (ewww)
I've found in my life that not taking the time I need to heal and let go of whatever ales me eventually finds a way to surface and wrecks whatever I have going on. And currently, I find myself in a familiar holding pattern. I don't know if it is the way in which I handle myself... I don't know if it is my inability to say things to people that absolutely have to be said but are left neglected because of my fear of hurting someone... All I know is issues crash into my forward life and I don't know how to deal with them. My biggest problem is the fact that I absolutely should know how to deal with them... as most of my current issues are nothing new. Seen it all before. Sometimes many many times.
For an example, when I hooked up with my now ex-husband I was still very much attached (and I knew it) to the man that came before him (whom will now be referred to as X.) When things started getting serious (2 months after the X, 3 weeks in) I stopped paying attention to the X. I figured it was useless anyway. He told me that the woman he was with was the one he was going to marry. I gave my attention, instead, to the first man that wouldn't leave me alone (now ex-husband.) When the X caught on, he was relentless. He called me at home and at work, would come by the office without notice and offer to take me out to lunch (which I did a few times) and invaded the whole process of moving forward. I finally had the balls to tell him to leave me alone... and he did, for a while. Things ran smooth between the ex-husband and I for a while... and while he had the opportunity (5 months in) asked me to marry him. The voice in my head said - "Awe hell, I have nothing to lose..." And 7 months later, I was married. The X ran into my brother who gave him the news and the calling visiting and emailing started anew. It was a game that went on throughout the entirety of my marriage. One I am not proud of and something I vowed I wouldn't do again.
So I get this wild hair brain idea that after my most recent entanglement with X, that it would be safe to remove the restraining order... My intentions were simple ---> I didn't want any connection to him good or bad. I didn't want contact, I just didn't want this mark out there in the universe. I also figured that because I was happy in my life and felt that connections to him were most certainly severed, it would be safe.
Well, then we have this extraordinary opportunity to talk face to face in which he sends his apologies... something that I absolutely needed to hear after what he had done. It's hard to swallow that pill... it's hard to understand HOW someone that loves you can impose themselves the way he did. I've spent a good portion of this last year blaming myself. Scared of what is inside me that sets people off. Completely intolerable of bouts of anger from anyone - including yours truly. I needed to hear what he had to say to me. Because ever since - I've had this wave of relief... renewed hope... and faith.
But also, ever since, he has tried to make contact via "Do you still have a copy of the lease..." which I was told wasn't in my name via the X and the former landlord. "A co-worker has this bunk bed that I thought Rory might like..." Simple and sweet... but what the hell. So continue? To talk? To establish a different state of being?
It has my brain twisted up in knots... and my stomach isn't much better for the ware. Mostly because I am fully aware of patterns between he and I... and honestly, I am in love with the man I have chosen to spend my time with these days, I have no doubts there. But I also know, based on history of the past how it can go....I don't want to break this most precious gift of a new chance at love.
I'm just wondering though... did I happen to miss a step somewhere? Did I run so fast away from that relationship that I didn't give myself the time it takes to be a healthy someone geared for the new? I am confused because I have felt for many months all of life is good. I can take a deep breath and feel very content nearly every minute of every day. I have also felt solid, sturdy and secure in my proclamation of love for the man in my life. I can still say today and every day that I haven't known a love like the one I have presently. Is that enough to endure? Or could an underlying infection blight the stirs in my heart... and the bounce in my step.
I feel like I have everything to lose if I allow it to go on. But if I spin on my heels... and look at my beliefs--> 1. Treat all others as you would treat yourself. 2. Give everyone the opportunity to be themselves. 3. I can reinvent myself if I want to. 4. Know that people can change if THEY want to. 5. Forgive yourself, forgive others. 6. Who am I to judge. 7. We are all humans, all related by that common factor.<-- My beliefs are solid. Because of my ego, I have allowed others to hurt me from time to time. Is it fair to me and others involved to keep walls? To judge or be skeptical? To force someone to deal with consequences? Is that really my place? Why can't I take a step in a new direction when it comes to facing this beast (aka pattern)? I've always heard that cliche - "Knowing is half the battle." Why can't I act like an adult and at least try to make a change for the better? Or am I just being naive... once the deed is done you can't take it back and change it?
I've had some advice on this topic... Nearly all borders on the "live and let die" idea. None optimistic about change - albeit, surrounds us every single day in nearly every way. None following my core beliefs. None echoing what my heart feels.
Maybe I am naive... but I think that I would rather take my chances at allowing something or someone be whatever is meant to be. The thing is, if things could be different - it would be cool! Despite my incessant need to bring up the bad... everyone harbors greatness in my eyes....
I just feel like, at this stage of my life, resentments and boundaries are not necessary for me. Sometimes it's a struggle to live with or without either simply out of habit... but I have learned quite a bit about myself. Not only that, I am never alone on my journey. I have faith in a higher power... a portion of which resides within me, guiding me to my next great step forward. It doesn't make me fearless... but it does make me courageous.
And my life, whether walking or running or a snails pace, is moving in the right direction... one different step at a time.
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