Learning to Orbit Myself...

I wrote… but from a place of confusion.

Hours of pouring something onto the page, or so I thought.
But when I read it back, I realized… it wasn’t my heart speaking.
It was my head.

I received a video recording of my ex… completely trashing me.
Listening to his words, who I’ve “always been,” what I am, what I’m not…
“Good luck to the next guy.”

Hmm.

Then I had my week with my children.
And I watched, in real time, how words like that can shape and shift the way they see me… in just a matter of days.

It’s been incredibly hard to hold.

Years ago, during a long season of breaking, I painted nothing but faceless women… naked, exposed, undefined.

Then one day, something shifted.
Color came rushing back.
I started painting bold, vibrant, Native-inspired pieces… one after another, like something had been uncorked.
It poured out of me. Fast. Unfiltered. Alive.

About three years ago, I began praying for something different.
Begging for it, really.

Peace.

I wrote it over and over again in my journal:
“I have and I am so grateful for peace in my life.”

I didn’t know exactly what it would look like, but I had this image of me, on a quiet deck, coffee in hand, still in my pajamas, watching the sunrise…
not rushing, not striving… just being.

And this morning that’s exactly where I was.

So I scrapped the “poor me” version of this post.

I’m done being the whipping post for someone else’s unhealed version of reality.

Someone else’s interpretation of who I am, how I live, how I love.

I get to decide that now.

From the peaceful sanctuary I’ve built for myself… piece by piece.

I’ve become almost surgical about removing what doesn’t belong in my life.
Careful. Precise.
Like the chef at a brunch carving station, slicing away what doesn’t serve.

Sometimes I wonder what will be left.

But then I remember…
I’m still here.
Still breathing.

So today, in my slippers, coffee beside me, I’m casually looking at budget travel to Portugal… because it’s beautiful, and I’ve always wanted to go.
Belize and Bali are on the list too.

We’ll see which one calls me forward.

But what I really want to talk about today… is balance.

For years, more than I can count, I’ve felt like a spinning top at the very end of its motion.
Wobbling.
Off-center.

I made a habit of stepping back and letting others be the sun while I revolved around them.
Dimming myself.
Telling myself that staying small was somehow… enough.

But then I remembered something.

There are more stars in the observable universe than grains of sand on this Earth.

There is room for all of us to shine.

And shine I have.

I received “Exemplary” on my final evaluation for the state.
I was asked to open my classroom to other educators.
Invited to facilitate at an art symposium this summer.
I sold more prints this month than ever before.
My Vagabond Canvas classes are full again.
My school art show was a success.

And tomorrow is my birthday.

Even with everything this past year has held…
I haven’t felt this kind of happiness in longer than I can remember.

It’s okay for me to be the center of my own orbit.
To be the star I revolve around.

But in claiming that… I also went inward. Deeply inward.
I poured myself into my work and my children.
Protected my solitude fiercely.
Said “no” more than I said “yes.”

And when I did say yes…
life surprised me.

New friendships. Unexpected connections.
People I might have overlooked before, now woven into my life in meaningful ways.

And slowly… I’ve begun to soften again.

To feel safe around men who are not my past.
To rediscover parts of myself I thought might be gone for good.

I’ve laughed.
Felt beautiful.
Kind.
Smart.
Playful.
HUMAN.

I feel more like myself right now than I have in years.

And most of all…
I have Peace.

Not the imagined version anymore.
The lived one.

But here’s what I’m learning…

Peace isn’t something you have.
Just like Love isn’t something you own.

They are energies you move through.

This morning, I wrote from the perspective of my future self: April 2027.

That version of me understands balance.

The Earth rotates around the Sun because of a balance between the Sun’s powerful gravity and the Earth’s inertia… high speed; forward momentum. 

And maybe that’s what balance really is.

Not stillness.
Not perfection.

But movement… held in just the right relationship with itself.

So as I move through Peace, through Love,
through time, desire, and reality…

I trust that I am finding my way into that balance.

 

Beautiful Creature
Hafiz

from Love Poems from God

There is a beautiful creature living
in a hole you have dug,

so at night I set fruit and grains and little pots of wine and milk
beside your soft earthen mounds,

and I often sing to you,
but still, my dear, you do not come out.

I have fallen in love with someone
who is hiding inside of you.

We should talk about this problem,
otherwise I will never leave you alone.