Oh June…
My blog is titled: The Long Road to Love. When I started writing 16 years ago, Love to
me was merely a destination. Since then,
I have changed my perspective on the matter and have decided that it is a
current that our lives move through. It
is what drives the car as we get to wherever it is we are going.
I recalled the other day, a piece of art that I learned
about in one of my Art History courses titled, “Untitled – Perfect Lovers,” by
Felix Gonzalez-Torres. Simple to explain
to you, it’s two identical clocks hung side by side displaying the same time…
exactly. At the time, while learning of
this piece, I hardly thought of it as art at all. I only had my own frame of reference… whereas
all the “Lovers” under my belt never felt like they were on the same time, let
alone the same time zone.
I thought of this piece the other day as I was picking up my
phone to text this man that claims to love me, called me… it wasn’t a normal
time for a call nor a text. We just
happen to be thinking of each other at the exact same moment.
Former me would be desperate for clarity, answers… What does
this all mean? Where is this going?
Present me is just grateful to be comfortable in my own
skin. Happy to be independent and free.
Thankful for an opportunity to experience what it means to come into the sphere
of another human being with emotional intelligence and a desire to allow me to
be seen, heard and experienced fully. I
don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not.
I don’t have to shrink myself to be swallowed whole. As I do amazing things in my career and
education, I don’t feel like I’m in competition. I am allowed to shine and applauded for such
things.
How did I get to this point in my life?
Honestly, I’m a little surprised by it myself.
Did I wave a magic wand?
No.
I’ve been doing this EMDR trip with my therapist. A lot has come up for me. There is this space where I am working so hard
to redirect my thoughts, align my actions, live entirely out loud, and trust
that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I don’t think that we arrive on the day of our birth to
learn to deal with the world around us.
I am a firm believer that we are here to leave an imprint on the world
around us, to enjoy being a human, to follow the path of love… the current… and
allow ourselves to be a part of it.
Sometimes, I’ll mention everything I’ve gone through in my
life and the ears that hear are so astonished that I’ve made it all the way
through. It makes me uneasy and confused
because I was there and nothing truly seemed like it would break me in that time. Yes, some moments felt really hard… like the
birth of my first born in particular. I
feel that I did what any mother would do… and that was whatever it takes. There was a time, looking at the odds, I
assumed he wouldn’t be here forever, and moved forward knowing I had to make
sure his little life was the very best I could make it.
Through these years of unpacking old wounds and trying to
heal myself to become exactly who I know I am, I realized that I should be
bringing that kind of energy to my own short little life. What can I do to make sure this is the very
best little life I can make it, for me?
I spent so many years trying to understand what happened to
me. Where did “I” go?
Somewhere along the way, I became the full-time caretaker of
everyone else’s wounds, my own wounds, and my own survival.
I’ve examined every memory.
Analyzed every scar.
Dissected every relationship.
And while there is true value in healing fully, there came a
point where I had to ask myself a different question.
What if I brought that same devotion to creating a life I
actually enjoy?
What makes my little heart happy?
I joined a belly dancing class… I’ve always wanted to learn
and have been trying to teach myself for YEARS.
And while I’m not good at it… There was a time when I wasn’t good at
walking either. I have so much fun in
class!
I ask myself several times a day, “What would bring me the
most JOY?” And I listen to it and do it…
maybe it’s a drive thru Starbucks coffee… Maybe it's a snuggle on the couch with my babies... Maybe it is a walk first thing in the
morning. Maybe it’s a motorcycle ride with this handsome guy I know. Maybe it’s sitting down to paint. Today I trimmed the hedge in front of my
house and planted a tomato plant and pulled some weeds. I also sat in my forested backyard and took
in how the morning light filters through the foliage of the trees.
I have an idea for a new painting that I’m hoping to sketch
out and get started on today.
I know that giving myself permission to find my highest
joy in each moment allows, “Untitled – Perfect Lovers,” to make sense to
me. I am on my own time. My flow comes
with content. Life seems Peaceful and so
much more at ease.
Healing wasn’t learning how to survive my past…
Healing WAS learning how to participate in my present,
fully.
Some things go absolutely right, listening to my highest
joy. Some things don’t… and that’s okay
too.
I know, without a doubt, that allowing myself to
pursue joy, moment by moment is what has finally helped me to understand, “Untitled
– Perfect Lovers.”
For years, I thought the artwork was about finding another
person who moved in time with me.
Now, I wonder if it means something else entirely.
Perhaps, the first perfect lover is yourself.
The moment your thoughts, actions, values and desires begin
keeping the same time.
The moment you stop forcing, chasing, shrinking, proving and
performing.
The moment you trust your own rhythm.
Maybe that’s why life feels different these days. Not because I have arrived somewhere. But because, for the first time, I am finally
on my own time.
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black
bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean—
the one who has flung herself out of
the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of
my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and
forth instead of up and down—
who is gazing around with her
enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and
thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and
floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer
is.
I do know how to pay attention, how
to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in
the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to
stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all
day.
Tell me, what else should I have
done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and
too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to
do
with your one wild and precious
life?
—Mary Oliver
