Truth be told...

When I think really hard.... when I think way back.... I cannot actually pinpoint the time that my heart jumped off that diving board into the deep blue sea of love.  Was it in High School? - Hartman's epic art class where I made many lifelong friends... and so many memories that I carry with me as if it happened just happened moments ago.  Was it that day at the radio station? - where one tiny thought of him turned into a monumental snowball...  Sometimes I can clearly remember - Birmingham 6 in the CD player, pulled up at the Taco Bell drive-thru... I remember him looking at me and smiling and asking me "Same as usual?"  Then he promptly and accurately ordered my dinner.  Not such a big deal, but only weeks in and the second time at the joint together... seemed pretty awesome.  Maybe it was him, standing in my kitchen in his red Calvin Klein underwear eating a bowl of Coco Puffs before we went to bed, being silly and making me laugh.  Maybe it was further down the road... We had one really long weekend together before we split the first time... It was cold, snowy and there were video games to be played.  I specifically remember wishing that it wouldn't come to an end.  And this last go around... The last three years of my life, there were many scattered moments where my heart pounded for only him.  When he would work with Rory on his homework.  Or Saturday morning breakfasts.  Or any morning before he would go to work - where it was just he and I being quiet holding each other.

Truth is I have a million years worth of love in my heart for him.  And days like today, I feel empty, lost and broken.  I had some weird dream last night where I re-lived every break-up that we ever went through.  But his brother was there trying to cheer me up and make me laugh about them all.  I woke up feeling rejected and sad.  I woke up wondering what I really lost in the fire. I woke up begging God to tell me what I am supposed to learn through all of this because all I feel is hurt.  I feel like I've gained nothing and lost everything, including myself.  I have spent the last several months pushing him out and hating him.  But it was a faulty cover-up for what is honestly in my heart.

I also realize through all of this that my relationship was far from healthy.  Some things were my doing.  I don't communicate well.  Any time I screw up or any time I'm misunderstood or any time something seems Ovidian I run and hide like an escapee from the warden.  I guess I figure that my brain will think about it, solve the problem and get back to ya.... I let my emotions find their settling point - I have to weigh my gut, my ego and my soul's honest feelings on the matter - and I certainly can't get that done with pushing.  It's who I am.  It's how I've been.  It's something that I work on every day of my life... but seem to get nowhere fast.  I know that my insecurities about my own self played a huge role.  And the fact that he KNEW about what bothers me the most about myself - heightened that precariousness. 

I spent 10 years away from him, loving him and the idea of him whilst on this hiatus.  When we finally came back together - he was different than the perception that I had of him.... but so was I.  I found myself comparing old him to new him.  He couldn't live up to himself.... my acumen wouldn't budge no matter what I told myself.  My reality became skewed and judgmental.  I forgot what it was that I loved about him.  It wasn't anything more than the way my soul felt at peace when I was with him.  I never cared that much how crappy he could be to me when he was having a bad day... when my soul was seeing and not my ego.  My ego often over-looked many of the good things because it was still pissed about some of the bad things.  He was my home.  And yes, he was human - just like me.

Things went horribly south when two people who love each other tried to bring two separate realities together, each with their own perversions and habits.  I have no doubts in my mind that he loved me just as deeply as I love him.  I have no doubts in my mind that if given stronger legs to stand on and clear heads - it would have worked out just fine.  But today... now... I need to just work on releasing that energy and love to the heavens... This kind of thing happens all the time.  People sometimes, no matter how hard they try, just can't make it work.

As for some of the things that happened during the tenure of "US"... my ego has to let go of it.  It doesn't matter anymore.  I can no longer hold on to it because it does me absolutely no good, despite what most people tell me.  What happened, although out of line, had it's place in my worldly experiences.  That's his demon to fry - not mine.... I don't own that one.

As for the restraining order... I've been contemplating having it removed.  I feel like it's a big black mark floating out there in the universe - for him and for me.  I haven't needed it, I never really wanted it, and it's served its purpose.  I feel like I am strong enough now to understand this better and know how to say enough is enough.  Time has been kind enough to allow me to break old habits - they say it takes 8 weeks...

I forgive him.... I forgive me.

Truth be told... It's the best thing - especially for me.