Blue light makes things shiny and new...

It's been a rough week... scrolling through the memory Rolodex.  Trying to find things to keep and things to pitch, let go of and move away from.  It seems that I have not filed as much of the "bad" as I thought I did.  Not to mention, this overwhelming feeling like I don't have much time left to get things right.  Right in the way that I am truly happy and loved and connected with myself and my community... and the Earth.  When the two tasks are combined, it becomes a soul searching escapade that can go one of two or three ways.  Of all the ways it CAN go... Of all the ways it SHOULD go... Rarely does it. 

My Professor in my Creative Writing class told me to use my emotion to my advantage and write some moving pieces... When I employ my emotions - I make great pieces - but my mind and soul and body are trashed for several days after.  I am not used to bringing those feelings so close to the surface.  I'm a stuffer.  I would rather not deal with hurts... mostly because I am most comfortable being that happy-go-lucky kid that everyone has grown to love.  When I look at things that have hurt me in my life, I feel like I fall into this well and 31 fire departments from cross county and state couldn't pull me out.  Even as I write my silly little blog, I don't share all that goes down in my head... the depths are tragically jagged, steep and frightful.  You have your own cliffs... I'm sure you don't want to be tumbling down mine!  But hold on, friends, I'm about to get really deep and let something loose.  Will it help you understand?  (Not likely with my random A.D.D. style jump around... but here it goes.)

When I hear people explain what love is - and sometimes when I try to explain it myself - I think, "How BORING!"  Love, to me, is a connection.  It takes root... sprouts... blossoms... when Fall comes it can wither, but when Springs rolls around, it can take shape again.  Sometimes, those connections are unbreakable and eligible to evolve.  When I say, "I love you," at that moment in time I absolutely do and that can never be taken away- ever! - just like that perfect Springtime bloom (it sticks in the brain long after it's gone.)  When someone says to me, "I love you," at that moment in time, I feel it and it can NEVER be exploited.  Established connections with other travelers orbiting the sun leave a residual in my heart no matter how big or small or old or new.  Sometimes it compensates for my weaknesses, sometimes lighting my way to my strengths, but ALWAYS meaningful.  Always.  (If you are my friend, you should know this.)  Me and my heart and soul are love.  When you enter my circle, rarely do you leave.  No matter what happens.  But we are animals.  Sometimes I hurt others.  Sometimes they hurt me.  I don't stop loving.  Sometimes people do, though.  And occasionally, connections become stagnant, unsatisfying and suffocating.  In that instance, the likely outcome is to leave a cloud of dust as you kick rocks in search of something more entertaining.  I've done it - who hasn't.  But I can say that my ego always had something to do with it.

My spiritual shift for the last 6 years has been finding the fulfilling joy in each of my connections, small and large, new and old.  I want to celebrate each individual connection I have - a true challenge sometimes as it is quite the task.  But reinventing my idea of love in the meanwhile - personality and entertainment based love -vs- soulful love.  The kind that requires honesty, acceptance, compassion, forgiveness and the utter lack of ego.  Sometimes when I am working on paintings, I have to leave a project and start something else.  Sometimes it's because my heart isn't fully in the painting at the moment.  Sometimes it's because I have a great idea I don't want to lose.  But I always commit to coming back.  I only have a few unfinished projects in all my years.

Connections = Love, are like tiny sparks.  It reminds me of sitting around a campfire watching the tiny embers float towards the stars, on their own mission and path... and of course the origins glow of the the raging charred logs that can warm your toes and even your heart.  Everything must run it's course.  And sometimes, that course is never smooth.  But it all comes around.  Love is bigger than me - like the campfire.  Yet, I am love - like the fragment cinder.... just as you are.  Sometimes, they burn out... but never run out.  And when it burns out, and you're so far away from the glow of the original blaze, look to the stars and their brilliant white-blue light.  It's all the same.  Love never leaves.  It only changes.

I catch hell for hurting and feeling hurt.  I've been ribbed for NOT staying on the same pain train "remembering my lessons" or for only remembering such things...  Hurts are not lessons but for the ego. Maybe I do mentally live a life in my past for far longer than I should.  But when the depths of love are concerned - who, other than me, should say what affects me and how.  Sometimes I've been accused of having this strange fairytale idea of love.  But honestly, I don't care.  I can feel this to my core.  And this is what I have to say:  Savor this moment as long as it lasts. Keep it.  IT is yours.  I will laugh with you, cry with you, feel your pain and elation, love you to the ends of the Earth and beyond.  I will be here when you are, and when you are not.  You are my circle, my fellow embers lighting up the darkness.  And when we burn out - look to the stars.  It will make things feel shiny and new.

And never forget - I love you (not loved... always love.)