Calling a Re-do!

A sneaky 12 got a peek at the earlier blog that I posted today.  I got various reactions from it - one of which thought I could unintentionally be hurtful to people in my life.  So I removed said blog - because hurting people is not on my agenda...I also had to remind myself - I am responsible for what I say; I am not responsible for how you understand....

Take two:

The outline of things-

I am a thinker.  Try to get between me and my thoughts sometimes, it's hard to do.  I usually get this blank stare and funny look on my face as my brain takes me places - good and bad.  It can happen at any time.  Sometimes right in the middle of normal conversation.  Through the years, I have learned that all that pops into my head should not be revealed.  It's mostly for self preservation.  I've found, when I say things and things are taken differently than they are meant it occasionally puts end to measures I am not ready to let go of.  So if I say nothing, then no harm no foul, and I can continue my existence with those I love (just sometimes annoyed...)  I think it's called stuffing.  I get my things out best by writing.  When I can put those thoughts down on paper or in a blog and can actually see them - sometimes I can change my thought process... always I can just get it out and free it from coming back... sometimes I can burn the words and use the process to my advantage - a symbolism of letting some ideas go (yes Mischa, I do that too.)  Sometimes I keep it in my journal because I want to hold on to things - it's just for me and my thoughts are really all that I truly own.  And sometimes I blog and share with the world because I have nothing to hide.

The disposition-

I am a silly, happy-go-lucky, lover of life.  I'm smart, I'm funny, and beautiful on the inside.  Sometimes, my analytical brain gets between me and my disposition.  Sometimes my ego gets the best of me - but I think I've learned well to shut that bitch up as she gets me nowhere fast and usually burns the house down.  (She's tied up in a dark basement somewhere.... I made sure of it.)

My current state of things is limbo.  Trying to sort out of the ashes of what was in order to power through to my next great adventure.  While I know that awesomeness is just around the corner, I feel that I need to figure out the where, why and how as to NOT go there again.  This is where I am at today.  The unrelenting need to know, so like a mad Holmes, I search every corner...

     Example:  Question: I want to know why a person that vows ever lasting love to you would physically hurt you.  And on the same hand, why a person, whom also vows ever lasting love, that has been physically hurt would look away, forgive, and grieve over such a loss?  Was it really that big of a loss? Investigation: When I was in 7th grade I lost my grandfather to lung cancer.  Most likely cause: smoking Camel bare-butts for umpteen million years.  I had a really hard time with it.  On one of my hard days - I came home from school in fear of losing MY parents - who also smoke.  I wasn't ready for that realism - so I flushed all of their cigs down the toilet.... it was half a carton.  I was lucky that I didn't plug the stool.  When my dad got home from work expecting his usual routine (coffee, fag, newspaper, throne) he couldn't find any cigarettes... He was pissed.  His ego and addiction got the better of him - and he started screaming at me without looking at me and my inability to handle the death of a person I absolutely adored, nor the fear of losing any of the others - including him.  He shoved me that day - so hard that I went from the hallway onto my bed, taking the blankets and mattress with me to the floor, then he proceeded to empty my spare change and dollar stash as my penance for flushing such priceless items down the commode. My dad is an awesome man and I look up to him.  This was an isolated incident that never happened before or since.  What I like most about my dad is that he gets things done and he does them right.  He doesn't cut corners and he reads manuals if in doubt.  I like that he started out as a drunken bafoon that decided the people in his life were more important and did something about it.  I like him because he is good to my mother and loves her with all of his heart.  I love him because he's my dad and he's there for me when I need him.  It may have taken me a few years to get over this incident - but I did.  (flip the coin over) You would find that on many levels, the X was an image of my father (your welcome, Freud) except he didn't have it in him to make a change or decide that the people in his life were far more important that his over abundant ego and anger about a childhood that he had no control over.  Things could have been different - but they aren't.  So I play with the cards that I have been dealt.

Oh... I have other questions... Like, does the world have an infinite amount of love?  When will I be done with this grieving process so I can move along like I so desperately want to?  How will I ever trust myself to honestly know another's true intentions?  What are other's true intentions?  How can I live in the present when everything present reminds me of something long gone?  Why does everyone tell me that what I went through isn't right - but I've lived through it before and all is well now?  Why can't I break the spell?  Why can't I move along?  Why did my mother always read me fairy tales?  Why can't I get my heart and my head and my soul on the same page?  Why does everything seem strange and out of place?  How is it possible to feel like a victorious traitor?  I need a sign - can I get a sign?

So I'm leaving work, turning onto Cascade, I happen to glance over to the beautiful lawn in front of the Fine Arts Center.  The bus stop bench grabs my attention.  It's plastered with a B&L Plumbing ad.  The X's place of employment.  Now, this could be construed many different ways... and trust me, my brain has been all over the map.  But I'm settling with this thought:  There are so many bus stops in this town.  And so many places to go.  It was just a stop along a route... It's just one of the many stops that I may make along my route that gets me to where ever I need to be.

The Plot - Hope in the air:

One of my most challenging on-going battles in my life started with a kiss.  I ended up pregnant, even though they told me I couldn't.  I had a seamless pregnancy, for the most part.  I was also told that I was carrying a healthy baby girl.  Now on April Fools day, I got the biggest surprise of my life, as we all know.  I am grateful to be a mother to one of the most loving, bright, silly, handsome kids I know.  He's a boy.  He's got Alagille Syndrome, Sticklers Syndrome and Pierre Robin Sequence.  I did what I had to when he was born, which was stand up, be strong and provide him with the best possible care and the most amazing doctors.  But for months I was truly and utterly depressed.  I went through a phase where I had to grieve that happy healthy baby girl I was expecting to see.  I never left Rory's side.  I loved him the moment I set eyes upon him and have never once stopped, please don't get me wrong.  But my foundation was shaken by the mere hopes falling through to true reality.  I questioned everything - things I did or didn't do as a pregnant mother.  Always thinking that it was my fault that my hopes and dreams were shattered.... until one day some wiley geneticist told me that it was really just the luck of the draw.  Genes swirling around in the shuffle don't always know which way to turn.

I don't give it any thought anymore.  I would never trade my kiddo for the world.  I'm so happy and so very lucky to have pulled the joker card.  He has graced my life in so many ways.  And these times I'm facing now will be in the same boat as that little girl that I had to let go of.  My true reality is always so much better than some of those crazy far out expectations and hopes.  I will overcome, with time.  And maybe - it really is just what's in the cards.

I'll try to lose my poker face though...  It's important that those that care know where I am at.