Phrenic blitzkreig...

Yeah, I did it.  I jumped off the ledge of love.  But as I'm falling - I keep noticing the drag... you know, the kind that keeps you from falling fast and hard.  A slight uplifting draft trying to push me back up.  So I had to sit and think yesterday.  Seriously, this isn't my typical style.  What is my problem?

My boyfriend is hot, yes.  But he is so many other things.  He's the kind of guy that will open doors, pull out your chair and order for you.  But he's also the kind of guy that allows me to be strong and independent and open my own door when I want without his feelings being hurt.  Our first kiss - he didn't ask to kiss me.  He didn't have to.  So he reads me quite well.  He's the kind of guy that walks next to me, not 10 feet in front or behind me... and he holds my hand - something that I'm trying to get used to (it's not hard at all.)  He is sweet, kind and caring.  He is spiritual.  He has such a lovable good-nature.  He's on a charity trip this weekend! ( :o(  <--pouty because I want him close more often than not.)  He's taking comic books to a boy in Seattle that is dying from cancer.  He took a big part in creating these books.  The boy is the lead character - wanted to be a Superhero through the Make a Wish foundation.  And now he is forever immortalized in Comics - as a hero.  How awesome is that????  This man melts my heart and is closer to my soul than any man that I have had the pleasure of knowing.  He, in every sense, is like my missing puzzle piece.  He fits me!  His views on life and love and soul are strikingly similar to my own.  I feel like we're on the same team (for once!  a teammate!)  I could go on and on... about how I feel that God played a big role in why he is in my life.  Even if it doesn't work the way I hope it does, I am so thankful to be able to step outside of my box and let this be what it is.... as hard as that is to do.

So all of this amazing subculture what is my deal?

I think it is fear.  Fear that I may place him on my proverbial pedestal... Shine light on his face and not allow him to be human because I have constructed this perfect image of him or this ideal picture of us.  Fear that I am closer to my past than I am to my present and future, maybe?  Fear of the unknown.  Fear that all those things I have been told that I was up to this point are true and I will always have the same problems - just as proclaimed - no matter where I go.  And what if he puts me up on the pedestal... and I let him down?  Have I been entirely myself through this process?  Is he in love with the me that I think I am?

I had a moment yesterday where I was cuddling this soft, sweet smelling babe.... about 4 weeks old.  I could feel my body turn to mother mode, you know - pats on the bottom, swaying back and forth,  humming under my breath, seeing nothing but light.  To me and my heart, babies are perfection.  I love children.  That's why I want to be a teacher.  That's why I want to be a mother.  Sometimes I have to stop and wonder if it is my great love, or if it is just that animalistic nature - where we are all programed to breed and populate... just like every other living thing.  But I don't think so.  When I was young, that was my heart's desire.  When I was 20, same.  30?  Oh yeah... still the same.  Having an awesome little family unit of my own, a great partner in crime and babies to chase around.  Everything else, I imagined, would fall into place - job, location, whatever other concerns life throws.  I just wanted to be a woman that could spread her love to her family - hold my man and my children when they needed, and nudge them when they needed.  But to ALWAYS stand by them... to have them stand beside me too.  Not controlled or swayed, just a good life lead by unseen hands... with stuff that builds character and depth of relationship.  It's way more to me than genetic encoding to go forth and procreate.

I thought I had something close when I was with my x-husband.  But found once issues arrived in a bouncing bundle of joy, aka Rory with huge hospital bills and a grime outlook, that Rory and I weren't worth standing by.  He duck tailed and ran off with his friends and avoided us most of the time.  He was upset that medical bills were going to interfere with his lifestyle... and to this very day, even being ordered by the court to pay half of those costs, rarely does he.  But he does have some cool cars and a nice house and a woman who stands behind those things.... so his vision and mine did not coincide.

And here I am, to start all over again.  It's scary, mostly because I am 33 years old.  It takes time to build up to something as I envision.  Something my heart yearns for.  And it's depressing because try as I might, it may never come to fruition.  And while I'll gladly fall off my ledge into love with a super awesome man whom I believe shares the same desires, you really never know.  To see that vision and try to cram your situation into that box is not allowing it to grow and be what it is meant to be.  It scares me because I don't want to take my preconceived notions with me on this journey.  But, I've let go of so many things up to this point... and I'm trying really really hard to let go of this one vision... I just feel like this desire is part of what makes me who I am. 

Damn my analytical mind and all these silly constricting mental dilemmas.  But you never know unless you try.  So I'm just going to do my best, I suppose, and see how that works out for me.  What will be will be... (rapidly trying to reprogram...)

What will be will be!