Find me intertwined, frayed, splayed.
Lines so clear,
They blur in a seconds.
A stout belief in heart and soul,
Love of loves and magic wings,
Giving higher self a lesson,
On timeless time,
Ticking away the days,
And stopping DEAD.
My love today is strong,
Withstanding brash hurricane winds,
High tides,
Thunder and lightening bolts,
And disrupted mountainsides.
Because really,
The torment only exists,
In our minds.
Hearts quake every second,
Of every day.
Ticking away our life's blood,
Limb to limb,
And stopping DEAD.
My love today is strong,
Until the day I die.
The day I die.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
How to make a beautiful life...
Make peace with who you are,
And where you are,
At this very moment in time.
Listen to your heart.
If you can't hear what it's saying,
In this noisy world,
MAKE TIME for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander amongst the stars.
Try.
Take Chances.
Make MISTAKES.
Life can be messy,
And confusing at times,
but it's also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path,
Might be a stepping-stone.
Be happy.
When you don't have what you want,
Want what you have.
Make do.
That's a well kept secret,
Of contentment.
There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to MAKE your OWN way.
To know where you're going,
Is only part of the process.
You need to know where you've been, too.
And if you ever get lost,
Don't worry.
The people who love you,
Will find you.
Count on it.
Life isn't days and years.
It's what you do with time,
And with all the goodness and grace,
That is inside of YOU.
Make a beautiful life...
The kind of life you deserve.
~Unknown~
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
There is air to breathe on any given day...
No Smoke without Fire nor Fire without Smoke
Pamela McCreight
2009
Witticism runs like wildfire on the minds of all, yet the minds find no time to depict in proper form, an adage or two that clarify the nuisances that many find hard to bear, as if the forest of trees were plum gone. However dimly lit the painted picture would need to be, the stars shedding just enough light and the full moon possibly being too bright; casts shadows that the fire might divulge and the smoke may veil. Hard work may make a life, but ye life may not be livable. Smoke brings clouds of imperative warning to those who care; just as the hottest burning flames can torch the loveless from their perch. Life is for those willing to get burned, or possibly choked out or cured by the billows that overshadow. Smoke and Fire are nothing without air.
The merry maids do their work to bring forth the flames that keep the family warm, whilst one of them is merrier than most, she keeps Father warmer. While fanning the flames of desire, she caps the flames within the marital bed, bringing forth a smoldering smoky mess of promises once sought and attained, yet left to fade away. The Misses is no fool, she understands that the flames are fanned and the wood is stoked and the kindling basket is full when cravings are met, and the family stays warm and together. The Misses is no cretin, she understands that Father works diligent and hard to make this home. The Misses is certainly not a dunce, she values Fathers family shekels, for they bought her a brilliant Tiffany necklace to match his grandmothers stunning diamond ring that fits loosely on her beautiful long matrimonial finger. The Misses is not a simpleton, she comprehends the theoretic repartee that there is no life without mirth or toil, no sun without rain, no fire without smoke. There is air to breathe on any given day. The benefits of understanding this holds all true, fire and smoke can be squashed with a bucket of icy cold water, however, life would be contemptible and hardly worth living.
I wrote this a few years ago. I chuckled as I stumbled across it this morning searching for my lesson plans that have already been devised. It was a parody of "Everybody's Business is Nobody's Business" by Daniel Defoe. Oh, how times rarely change. We suffer when we want to. When we chose not to suffer.... Well - it really doesn't matter. There is always air to breathe on any given day.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Scarlett Slink
Blazing red in my head and in my heart,
A banderole stark and bright,
Grabbing my attentions but laid to rest,
A mess I'd just as soon not include.
Buried alive in the deepest tomb.
Does it matter? Do you care?
With no breath in my lungs,
I cannot scream you away.
Instead I let it sleep in the back of my mind,
Waiting for a day of rage,
To claw at the coffin and,
Fight the confinement and,
Exhume my corpse from its fate.
Stretch and limber my frozen bones,
Hands out-branched,
Like the tree of life,
Desperate for sun and rain and
Spreading seeds negating alone.
Like a tripped up phantom,
Stumbling across the lifeless,
Determined to find the flaming florid,
That time and time again,
Murders my dreams.
There is no time to wait!
The grains of sand tumble
At an exuberant rate.
That crimson mast states,
My spectre spook speeds,
To tear it from it's grace.
~Mme. Pamela McCreight~
1 March 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
A Step...
Antoine De Saint-Exupery once said, "What saves a man is to take a step. And then another..." Which is exactly what I have done in my life. I try to move forward, even when it's tough, even when I'd rather sit, even when I'm not sure where I'm going or which direction is best. I move forward. It's been my thang since I was a wee lass.
The thing about moving forward, that I have noticed, is stuff changes all the time regardless if you have your foot on the gas or the brake. Stepping forward or back... Thoughts, feelings, processes, even to the tangible material factors... I've been pondering long and hard the last few weeks if in my forward moving life, was it really necessary to run? Have I allowed myself the pace at which absolute healing can take place? And not just for myself, but for others that my life affects in some fashion, such as Rory, my family, my friends... my x's and notably, anyone I currently find myself in a relationship with. And aside from that, the healing I proclaim to the world, is it really healthy? Or just a de-flaked scab paying no mind to the concealed dirt, debris and infection just below the surface.... just awaiting boil over? (ewww)
I've found in my life that not taking the time I need to heal and let go of whatever ales me eventually finds a way to surface and wrecks whatever I have going on. And currently, I find myself in a familiar holding pattern. I don't know if it is the way in which I handle myself... I don't know if it is my inability to say things to people that absolutely have to be said but are left neglected because of my fear of hurting someone... All I know is issues crash into my forward life and I don't know how to deal with them. My biggest problem is the fact that I absolutely should know how to deal with them... as most of my current issues are nothing new. Seen it all before. Sometimes many many times.
For an example, when I hooked up with my now ex-husband I was still very much attached (and I knew it) to the man that came before him (whom will now be referred to as X.) When things started getting serious (2 months after the X, 3 weeks in) I stopped paying attention to the X. I figured it was useless anyway. He told me that the woman he was with was the one he was going to marry. I gave my attention, instead, to the first man that wouldn't leave me alone (now ex-husband.) When the X caught on, he was relentless. He called me at home and at work, would come by the office without notice and offer to take me out to lunch (which I did a few times) and invaded the whole process of moving forward. I finally had the balls to tell him to leave me alone... and he did, for a while. Things ran smooth between the ex-husband and I for a while... and while he had the opportunity (5 months in) asked me to marry him. The voice in my head said - "Awe hell, I have nothing to lose..." And 7 months later, I was married. The X ran into my brother who gave him the news and the calling visiting and emailing started anew. It was a game that went on throughout the entirety of my marriage. One I am not proud of and something I vowed I wouldn't do again.
So I get this wild hair brain idea that after my most recent entanglement with X, that it would be safe to remove the restraining order... My intentions were simple ---> I didn't want any connection to him good or bad. I didn't want contact, I just didn't want this mark out there in the universe. I also figured that because I was happy in my life and felt that connections to him were most certainly severed, it would be safe.
Well, then we have this extraordinary opportunity to talk face to face in which he sends his apologies... something that I absolutely needed to hear after what he had done. It's hard to swallow that pill... it's hard to understand HOW someone that loves you can impose themselves the way he did. I've spent a good portion of this last year blaming myself. Scared of what is inside me that sets people off. Completely intolerable of bouts of anger from anyone - including yours truly. I needed to hear what he had to say to me. Because ever since - I've had this wave of relief... renewed hope... and faith.
But also, ever since, he has tried to make contact via "Do you still have a copy of the lease..." which I was told wasn't in my name via the X and the former landlord. "A co-worker has this bunk bed that I thought Rory might like..." Simple and sweet... but what the hell. So continue? To talk? To establish a different state of being?
It has my brain twisted up in knots... and my stomach isn't much better for the ware. Mostly because I am fully aware of patterns between he and I... and honestly, I am in love with the man I have chosen to spend my time with these days, I have no doubts there. But I also know, based on history of the past how it can go....I don't want to break this most precious gift of a new chance at love.
I'm just wondering though... did I happen to miss a step somewhere? Did I run so fast away from that relationship that I didn't give myself the time it takes to be a healthy someone geared for the new? I am confused because I have felt for many months all of life is good. I can take a deep breath and feel very content nearly every minute of every day. I have also felt solid, sturdy and secure in my proclamation of love for the man in my life. I can still say today and every day that I haven't known a love like the one I have presently. Is that enough to endure? Or could an underlying infection blight the stirs in my heart... and the bounce in my step.
I feel like I have everything to lose if I allow it to go on. But if I spin on my heels... and look at my beliefs--> 1. Treat all others as you would treat yourself. 2. Give everyone the opportunity to be themselves. 3. I can reinvent myself if I want to. 4. Know that people can change if THEY want to. 5. Forgive yourself, forgive others. 6. Who am I to judge. 7. We are all humans, all related by that common factor.<-- My beliefs are solid. Because of my ego, I have allowed others to hurt me from time to time. Is it fair to me and others involved to keep walls? To judge or be skeptical? To force someone to deal with consequences? Is that really my place? Why can't I take a step in a new direction when it comes to facing this beast (aka pattern)? I've always heard that cliche - "Knowing is half the battle." Why can't I act like an adult and at least try to make a change for the better? Or am I just being naive... once the deed is done you can't take it back and change it?
I've had some advice on this topic... Nearly all borders on the "live and let die" idea. None optimistic about change - albeit, surrounds us every single day in nearly every way. None following my core beliefs. None echoing what my heart feels.
Maybe I am naive... but I think that I would rather take my chances at allowing something or someone be whatever is meant to be. The thing is, if things could be different - it would be cool! Despite my incessant need to bring up the bad... everyone harbors greatness in my eyes....
I just feel like, at this stage of my life, resentments and boundaries are not necessary for me. Sometimes it's a struggle to live with or without either simply out of habit... but I have learned quite a bit about myself. Not only that, I am never alone on my journey. I have faith in a higher power... a portion of which resides within me, guiding me to my next great step forward. It doesn't make me fearless... but it does make me courageous.
And my life, whether walking or running or a snails pace, is moving in the right direction... one different step at a time.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Conjugation: Where Land Meets Sea...
Occasionally, waves of fear roll in over me like that gentle crash against a sandy beach... the humming noise you hear whilst standing at the edge of any ocean... mummers that remind you the water is in constant movement. When I close my eyes, I see it as frothy salt water lapping at my feet. Those waters don't belong to any shore...
Most of the time, however, love bursts up from my insides - like the lava from a cone. Blowing the side of a mountain and spewing molten rock from the depths of this Earth that I travel on. When I close my eyes, I see it as golden light radiating from within me. I always try to push it as far and wide as I can imagine. It is, after all, love. It doesn't belong to me.
When I sit and ponder these two separate thoughts, I come to one canny conclusion: Love and Fear are bedded together. My thoughts stroll deeper into that very meaning... The flourishing and languishing aspects of both.... I feel, to my depths and to my core, that balance is the key.
My current fears are thus: Not putting my best foot forward at any given moment. Not being perceived as I truly am. Not bequeathing the world all the contributions I CAN make. And lastly, the unknown future.
At one point in my life, I landed a job as a receptionist for an insurance agency. I was 20 years old... and it was $1,000 a month. I was pretty stoked. I found I was really good at the job... eventually, as my financial needs increased, I found myself as an insurance agent - and not a paid monkey... I was really successful at it. But my heart was heavy. I didn't grow up with dreams of selling some poor sap the most fitting Auto and Home policy. I always wanted to be a teacher. At the ripe old age of 30 years old, I decided for the love of my dreams, that my fears to go back to school were highly unreasonable. It wasn't about the money... Teachers make far less than a good salesman. And so here I am... I'm still afraid - budget cuts and the lack of focus on the importance of education.... The fact that after some investigation I discovered that teachers with a BA are more likely to get a job than teachers with an MA... Am I even going to be able to teach when I reach the finish line?
I have faith because I love what I do. I teach now at a posh little non-profit art school... educating the younger generation what I know and involving them in my love for new knowledge and, of course, art. It is most fulfilling to see excitement on their faces when they GET something I show to them. It is the most extravagant of challenge to keep with students to see them to success...
Had I held onto my fear, I wouldn't have this feeling of completion... the feeling that I am exactly where I belong. Had I not been willing to share my love of education I wouldn't be where I am at today... teaching and learning all at the same time.
This cris-cross can apply to romantic relationships too! I've had my fair share of unbalance to land or sea.... But right now, a firm fettle can be found in my life. A blanket of love accumulating and gaining speed alongside a healthy fear of things unknown. Not out and out fright, but that gentle crashing reminder that the waters are always turning; usually washing ashore fortunes I could've never imagined.
For those who have told me to love without fear... show me how it's done. For those who have shown me that fear is greater than love... well, you aren't in my life anymore for a reason. Fear and Love lying in the same bed - I've had to let go to find this balance. You can't stake claim to either. Both have resonated for far longer than my days, or yours for that matter. And today, I am perfectly comfortable with the level where land meets sea...
Monday, February 14, 2011
So it's Valentine's Day...
For only a few more minutes. My blog dedicated to love shouldn't be left vacant during this fine occasion.... With few words all I can say is - I am a girl living in a fairy-tale. And with a hip beat.... I leave you for the day...
Good night lovers.... Hope you had a lovely day!
Friday, February 11, 2011
For just a second....
Ah... one of my most favorite holidays is just around the corner. Yes, some think it's Hallmark-ized and silly.... but just think - a whole day dedicated to love. While I fully agree that you should let everyone know every day just how much you love them... LOVE has it's own holiday! This clown is totally down.
Speaking of celebrating love... hehe... I got flowers delivered to work this week. A beautiful bouquet of long stem red roses... with the best little love note attached - ever. I may be biased... but it was fantastic. Even if I didn't get roses... it's always been those little "I'm thinking of you and you should know it" kind of sentiments that always melt my heart. When someone goes out of their way - even for just a few minutes - to make you feel special...butterflies.
My week didn't start that way. For just a moment I gave too much weight to something someone told me last Friday. I ended up having an hour or so conversation with my last X. In days of past, my heart would have hit the ceiling and I would have had this tunnel vision. I found it ironic that he mentioned this connection that "WE" have... From time to time I feel connected to him intuitively... but nothing like before. And for the first time in 13 years... as the sun has pretty well set in my hemisphere... he finally acknowledged its existence. Aside from that, he did apologize to my face and told me that "Our" problems were generally his fault and his inability to deal with anger. I thought that was pretty big of him... and also something I needed to hear. He also expressed concern when he discovered that I am in a new relationship. Well, first - he had to remind me that I'm a pain in the ass... and that it was too soon... and it would appear that I haven't lost my race car driver M.O. You know, the rock skipping from one relationship to the next without the ability to find myself in between. But after the hammering, he said something quite smart... that I over look red flags with the expressed desire to be loved in some fashion... even if it isn't good for me.
So I went searching... Sherlockian style digging and analysing every little line item in my current relationship. By Wednesday, I was actually pretty pissed off that I couldn't find one single thing. And I convinced myself that maybe my red flag was pretending that my relationship was all that and then some. I walked out the door for lunch, made the call to the boyfriend just to hear his voice... walked back in from lunch with this beautiful bouquet of flowers to greet me... and some giggling girls at the front desk.
It's funny how this synergy happens between he and I. Its exactly what I needed... including the note attached, whether he knew it or not. [He does now... ;o) ] It's funny how similar yet different we are... and how we are able to co-meddle two separate personalities without flinching, biting, slapping or clawing. It's awesome how laid back, creative, witty, smart, supportive, passionate and loving we are of each other. And when I love him - it isn't a chore. It's not hard. It's not work. It just is. I can honestly say, I have not known love like this in my lifetime... until now.
It got me to thinking in reverse... Those red flags... I knew about each and every single one of them. They were like the sand caught between your toes while wearing flip flops. Super frustrating... you keep brushing at your piggies... but can never seem to get every single grain free from your derma without a high pressure hose. Those red flags caused heightened ego, for self protection and whatnot. And always, it caused ME confrontation within weeks of whatever unhealthy relationship I found myself in. Not months... but WEEKS. With the X-husband: 2 weeks. The joker after him: 1 1/2 weeks. With the last X: not quite 3 weeks. Matt and I - yet to have our first disagreement. We get along. It's what we do. I think that if anything, we gently stroke each other with conversation and thoughtfulness which steers us away from conflict. It's silly for me to think it will always be this way. Two human beings making their way in the world can't ALWAYS get along. But it's awesome to know I am with a like minded, kind hearted, gentle individual. I am willing to bet that when we do get thrown a few bumps in the road, we'll drive slow and work it out.
For a second I lost my mind... but my heart knows the way. I'm covered. This terrestrial moment - right here on Earth... this very moment in time. I'm lucky to be here, comfortable in my own skin, allowed to be myself and fully loved for who I am. I'm lucky to be able to love a man that actually has what it takes to be by my side... a man that can fulfill every line item on my needs list as well as my wants list. No pedestals or golden rays of light. No glaring red flags. He's solid... It's not hard for me to understand WHY I would have thought for a split second that it's all too good to actually be real. I am thankful every second of every day that it absolutely is...
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Quandary Found in Affections...
To lose yourself and then find yourself in a good-bye... To go a lifetime with acute hindsight... To watch your hopes fall inside... To watch memories fade in fade out and then further out... To have a moment of peace while wide awake when sleep is on your mind.
To lose yourself and find yourself in a simple hello... To go a lifetime in mere moments with lofty foresight... To watch hope lift up to the skies... To make memories today and every day henceforth... To have a moment of peace while wide awake when dreams are on your mind.
The problem that I find with love is this: Sometimes I do not know when to turn on and/or turn off the faucet. Sometimes I do not know when to stop... and sometimes when to start. I am this tender hearted creature... sometimes scared... always fragile... set free to spend her love as she so chooses. I have not always known, despite the many blatant logical slaps to the face by realism, how to spend wisely. It's my fault. And no one else's. But is this just the impressive yet cruel nature of the beast?
Letters forming words fall out of my mouth like heavy bricks - these glimpses into my heart and how I've misspent my fortunes from time to time find me crying for being such a complete idiot from time to time. Syllables forming phrases fly out of my mouth with a thousand fluttering wings hitching a ride on a current... words I hope to say over and over and over making ME smile for being such a lucky girl over and over and over again.
Love can't save anyone... but it saves everyone. It is an unidentifiable mysterious power. It negates most explanations. Some days it is clear... some days - clear as mud.
Sometimes, on nights just like this, when I am able to see both sides of this coin as if peeled and side by side... I don't understand how circumstance and evidence could ever possibly BE so radically incomparable. Facing something so brutal and ugly.... and staring down the barrel of absolute beauty. And to have the opportunity to see both in one lifetime?
What breaks my heart the most of recent love gone by is the fact that me, lover girl, can barely remember any times... but recalls the fright of one most fateful night. And that is all... Love splattered and killed over ego and will and anger and fear and nothing near the essence of love - plain love, pure love, sweet love, lasting love... And that is it... no more love. Was it love?
Love knows not the time of day or night. You can say stop... but it beats brighter and stronger than the sun and moon... and has no use for seconds or minutes or hours. And when that object of your affections skips ahead or behind a frame, the movie plays on in your head or in your heart... plain love, pure love sweet love, lasting love.... never really goes away.
And then one day fate grabs ME by the hand and drags me kicking and screaming to a place and a face that my heart knows all too well. Every moment seems to speed by in slow motion... all too fast but slow enough to observe... Trust, friendship and an electrical current sparking and grounding and finding a level. Plain love. Pure Love. Sweet Love. LASTING LOVE!
Is that the promise of love? As stark as night and day? As brilliant as a million stars through a moonless witching hour or as mute as a windless diurnal not rustling the trees? To finally understand the difference of love worth while and love worth nothing?
The quandary of love is nothing more than a promise that it exists. Rare in forms and obtainable through heart.
A promise that love is still here....
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Wake up!
There is a moment in time when everything that has ever seemed real gets flushed, burned or blown away. In the last several months, my reality has changed so drastically it is hard for me to imagine that I am still breathing.
The past fades to the point of a foggy memory. The future is finally bright and sunny. And the present - magnificent.... unbelievable... and ah-mazing.
The past seems forced and contrived. All those things that I've always wanted that I tried to impose on those that had been in my life previously.... what a silly thing for a girl to do. My present makes me fully believe that prayers can be answered in due time. That pry bars are unnecessary. That the universe truly does provide. And that the quantified life - where everything is measured in numbers and in time - has no real value.
Looking into the mirror I have now grown to love immensely I can see myself clearly... but this time with compassion and acceptance and love. I'm not sure if it is completely me that has changed... if I have new eyes. Or if I am just in with a good crowd, finally. But here I am. Loving this beautiful life. Consciously dreaming, it seems. I never imagined I would ever have it so good.
Most of my life believing myself to be a greener pasture person... because I felt like there was something better for me and I shouldn't ever have to settle. Living under the heavy blanket of self imposed clouds of guilt and shame for not being happy with me and the relationships that I have found myself in.
My boys and I were watching a movie last night. One of the lead characters was asked "Why Him?" Her response was - It wasn't him.... I was obsessed. I was always more lonely with him than I ever was alone. I could completely empathize with the character. I have always been so obsessed with making something of nothing and fearful of being a complete failure in my efforts I missed one important factor.... Me.
I am now awake from the haze... the smoke I found in my mirrors... And even if my forward trajectory doesn't steer the way I think it will... I have new understanding of the importance of listening to me. That's the funny thing about reality. It's based on our perception of the world around us. And our reality, just as our perception, is subject to change at any given moment. Like the proverbial ball of snow picking of mass along the way, as we obtain new found knowledge... What was... is no more. What is.... Well, it can seem like a dream, but if you allow it - it can be your waking reality.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The Coterminous Idea...
One foot goes in front of the other. These are steps you take every day. You never think about these steps... it's just the natural order and second nature of locomotion. Movement - mostly forward, occasionally backward. Progression - like the smallest snowball gathering snow and speed on it's decent down a hill... It grows and grows and grows. Just like my love and comfort in my current relationship. We've been discussing the next logical step. Perhaps, cohabitation is on the menu... I am terrified for a few reasons...
First of all, I am not a solo mission. I have a four foot tall monkey to worry about. And I'm torn most times. When I was a child, my parents didn't consider my opinions in the decision making processes that would affect my family. But I do care what my child has to say. I usually DO consider his input before making major decisions. I feel that it makes him take ownership in challenges and changes.
I brought the topic up to Weeman yesterday before he started out the door. He seemed quite excited about it. But also reminded me that I promised he could finish this year at his school. We've been talking about moving anyhow. We've been considering the Northwest, as his dad has a job opportunity there and when it was approached, I had no ties but my family to Colorado.
Rory loves Matt, but still unsure of him mostly because he doesn't know him well. I haven't allowed a terrible amount of interaction until I was sure this one would hang around. I carry an abundant amount of guilt with me... because every heartbreak I have endured - he too has faced. I try my best to keep the lines of communication open and discuss things with him - which I feel is totally arbitrary for a child of his age to know about. But, quite frankly, I ease that contrition knowing he has a true picture of real life. Sometimes it is cruel and unfair. Sometimes things just don't go they way you planned. On the same hand, I am confident that the more time Matt and Rory spend with each other - they will grow to love each other - just as I love both of them. Both are so easy to love....
When he got home from school, he informed me that he "thought all day" about the idea of moving in with Matt. He told me he would rather try to move back in with the X. UGH! I've had multiple conversations with this child about how it's okay to love.... freely and openly. But how it is also important to know the difference in good and bad relationships. Healthy vs unhealthy. He's so perceptive. He's learned far more from me than the things I have told him. I haven't always known the difference, either. It took this last slap in the face for me to wake the hell up. When you love yourself enough (to know that you deserve to be happy and treated with respect) you can freely give love to others. If you miss this important step, things can get a little wonky. If you have two people in any sort of relationship come together - loving themselves and each other - you have the makings of salubrity. You and your actions come from love. And the notation of self, or at least the semblance of the golden rule - I wouldn't do that to you because I wouldn't do that to me or want it done to me - would shine through, despite the occasional flub.
While there were moments of greatness in my last relationship.... and although Rory had his own relationship with him.... all hinged on whatever mood that man was in at any given moment. He could swing from happy, caring and giving to a righteous self loathing turd in mere minutes... or days. And you never knew which man you were going to get - at any given moment. He didn't like himself, and made sure those closest to him were on his level. He was plentiful with put-downs and scarce with gratefulness. Now, while I am all for humans being human... and try to have empathy and understanding (obviously to a fault or at least to my own demise)... AND since I have forgiven this man and wish him the best.... I don't want him in my life in any fashion ever again. He took it too far and I could never trust him to be a thread in my life - ever again. And, as an adult, I can say that.... As a child, I hope Rory gets this sooner rather than later.
I am also anxious. I've spent my fair share of grieving the last twelve years of my life... in particular, the last three. But it's over now. Sometimes, I feel as if I am not giving enough credit to the last three years. Sometimes, I feel like those years have just blown away in the wind... Even when I try to focus, I can't see his face. I'm not sad about this - in any way shape or form. I just feel like maybe I'm being careless. Maybe I've repressed it? Maybe it really is over - which is odd because it has been a big part of my life for over a decade! And just like that - POOF - Gone. Strange days. And here I am - NOT even a year later... with this amazing man that holds me up - not down.... and respects me, loves me, truly cares.... I KNOW, with every fiber of my being, that he would never hurt me, let alone a flee... and especially my child. And more than these great things - I love myself! I took enough time to find me... I have been honest to my heart and to him through this whole deal. I'm finally listening to my HEART! I chalk it up to being at the right place at the exact right time.... and knowing that the universe provides...That God has my back... and I'm on the path meant just for me...
On another note.... While I was consistently and constantly told what a terrible person I am to live with by the X - I always felt like what he was saying was over critical - because I'd never heard of these grievances in past cohabitation experiences and I always felt like he wouldn't be happy with anything I ever did anyway. But what if he was right.... What if I just don't want to believe all of those things about myself. What if the few others just didn't have the balls to say anything to me... What if I screw up one of the best things in my life because I'm a terrible wench to live with?
I am nervous and a bit scared - all tiny insecurities. I pray that it's the best decision for both me and my little man. I am excited too. More so than these other twinges, in my heart I know this is a step in the right direction. When in the presence of this man, I am at utter peace. I feel like I'm home. And I can't wait for the opportunity to take it to the next level. I can't wait to spend the time with both of my boys any time I want.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Waiting
It spins off the top,
A grandiose notion,
A feeling so deep that words,
Are useless.
Infected thoughts,
Disguised as dreams,
A life spent in yearning,
For something so,
Unattainable.
Yet, human skin fries.
Sorting it out with,
Tears in the heart and
Fears in the eyes.
What becomes of the,
Waiting.
And waiting.
Swallow the lump,
Leap,
Take the jump.
Weighing needs and wants,
Stepping out of line,
Watching the clock,
Ticking and tocking,
Surviving and living and surviving,
Again.
The yearning and burning,
And incessant need,
To feel whole once more,
Lost to the wind.
Time never stops,
Clicking and clacking,
And desires set aflame,
Never extinguish,
All worth waiting for,
Will find patience in the,
Rain.
~Mme. Pamela McCreight~
2011
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