For just a second....

Ah... one of my most favorite holidays is just around the corner.  Yes, some think it's Hallmark-ized and silly.... but just think - a whole day dedicated to love.  While I fully agree that you should let everyone know every day just how much you love them... LOVE has it's own holiday!  This clown is totally down.

Speaking of celebrating love... hehe...  I got flowers delivered to work this week.  A beautiful bouquet of long stem red roses... with the best little love note attached - ever.  I may be biased... but it was fantastic.  Even if I didn't get roses... it's always been those little "I'm thinking of you and you should know it" kind of sentiments that always melt my heart.  When someone goes out of their way - even for just a few minutes - to make you feel special...butterflies.

My week didn't start that way.  For just a moment I gave too much weight to something someone told me last Friday.  I ended up having an hour or so conversation with my last X.  In days of past, my heart would have hit the ceiling and I would have had this tunnel vision.  I found it ironic that he mentioned this connection that "WE" have... From time to time I feel connected to him intuitively... but nothing like before.  And for the first time in 13 years... as the sun has pretty well set in my hemisphere... he finally acknowledged its existence.  Aside from that, he did apologize to my face and told me that "Our" problems were generally his fault and his inability to deal with anger.  I thought that was pretty big of him... and also something I needed to hear.  He also expressed concern when he discovered that I am in a new relationship.  Well, first - he had to remind me that I'm a pain in the ass... and that it was too soon... and it would appear that I haven't lost my race car driver M.O.  You know, the rock skipping from one relationship to the next without the ability to find myself in between.  But after the hammering, he said something quite smart... that I over look red flags with the expressed desire to be loved in some fashion... even if it isn't good for me.

So I went searching... Sherlockian style digging and analysing every little line item in my current relationship.  By Wednesday, I was actually pretty pissed off that I couldn't find one single thing.  And I convinced myself that maybe my red flag was pretending that my relationship was all that and then some.  I walked out the door for lunch, made the call to the boyfriend just to hear his voice... walked back in from lunch with this beautiful bouquet of flowers to greet me... and some giggling girls at the front desk.

It's funny how this synergy happens between he and I.  Its exactly what I needed... including the note attached, whether he knew it or not. [He does now... ;o) ]  It's funny how similar yet different we are... and how we are able to co-meddle two separate personalities without flinching, biting, slapping or clawing.  It's awesome how laid back, creative, witty, smart, supportive, passionate and loving we are of each other.  And when I love him - it isn't a chore.  It's not hard.  It's not work.  It just is.  I can honestly say, I have not known love like this in my lifetime... until now.

It got me to thinking in reverse... Those red flags... I knew about each and every single one of them.  They were like the sand caught between your toes while wearing flip flops.  Super frustrating... you keep brushing at your piggies... but can never seem to get every single grain free from your derma without a high pressure hose.  Those red flags caused heightened ego, for self protection and whatnot.  And always, it caused ME confrontation within weeks of whatever unhealthy relationship I found myself in.  Not months... but WEEKS.  With the X-husband: 2 weeks.  The joker after him: 1 1/2 weeks.  With the last X: not quite 3 weeks.  Matt and I - yet to have our first disagreement.  We get along.  It's what we do.  I think that if anything, we gently stroke each other with conversation and thoughtfulness which steers us away from conflict.  It's silly for me to think it will always be this way.  Two human beings making their way in the world can't ALWAYS get along.  But it's awesome to know I am with a like minded, kind hearted, gentle individual.  I am willing to bet that when we do get thrown a few bumps in the road, we'll drive slow and work it out.

For a second I lost my mind... but my heart knows the way.  I'm covered.  This terrestrial moment - right here on Earth... this very moment in time.  I'm lucky to be here, comfortable in my own skin, allowed to be myself and fully loved for who I am.  I'm lucky to be able to love a man that actually has what it takes to be by my side... a man that can fulfill every line item on my needs list as well as my wants list.  No pedestals or golden rays of light.  No glaring red flags.  He's solid... It's not hard for me to understand WHY I would have thought for a split second that it's all too good to actually be real.  I am thankful every second of every day that it absolutely is...