The best gift....

Okay, so there was a bit of speculation as to what I would be getting this year for Christmas (yes - I am telling the story).... And it goes like this.  In the course of usual conversation SOMEONE asked about the procedure pertaining to engagement rings.  In other words, we were having a normal conversation and my boyfriend randomly (and out of context) asked my how the deal works.... does the girl go with you to pick it out... do you just pick it out and hope for the best?  An odd topic a few weeks before Christmas.  And one, confirmed by the CSFAC handyman who happened to bump into today's discussion with the girls at work, that a man just doesn't talk about.  They talk about football, farts and that cute girl with the big perky breasts at the 5 and 9..... but most definitely, not about engagement rings unless they are thinking about them.  Which is what I assumed... but figured that it was nothing but a mere passing thought.  We've had this discussion before.  And, I was pretty sure we were on the same page... but this caused one raised eyebrow.

So rewind - I sent my boss (and now boyfriend's boss too) an email wishing her a very merry Christmas... got a reply which stated "Can't wait to see your ring!"  Which had me promptly texting boyfriend to see if he said anything to boss lady about what he got me for Christmas... and HIS reply was - "I can neither confirm nor deny..."  (Boss lady messes with me all the time.  She had Matt and I married off 5 months ago after meeting him the first time.)

"SHIT!" is what I said out loud... not because it's a bad thang... I just had some serious thinking to do - just in case.  Just in case!  What would I say?  Because I love this man to the moon.  But we've only been seriously dating for a few months.  I had to completely leave my head out.... What does my heart say? 

I flipped backwards through the pages of my life....  I thought back to when I was married before.  Why did I say yes then?  How did I feel at that moment in time?  What about knowing someone fully... can you ever really know someone?  Where do you even begin to understand the complexity of the issue?  The sensitive nature of maintaining individuality while combining lives and keeping the flames afire... it's not easy.  And it becomes an even bigger chore when you make a bad choice.  Before, I was a heartbroken weak individual.  I was ready to just get my life going.  And I had hit a low spot in the road.  I was a square peg in a round hole in my last marriage.  It never fit exactly... even from the beginning.  I could never get comfortable... I couldn't be myself... but I said YES because I saw a safe and prosperous future.... I just assumed I would assimilate and all would work out.  When I think of it - it was like the difference of a wild animal being caught and caged in a zoo -vs- a zoo born animal residing at the zoo... there is an uncomfortable discongruity.  For this I am not proud.  People got hurt.  But I also reserve the right of immaturity.  I was only 21. 

I flipped forward a few pages... what is it that I really want in my life -  really.  To be myself. To be accepted for who I am.  To have a partner in crime, a best friend, a lover, an undying support system. 

Can I truly apply this to my present situation?  I'm not in this relationship because it doesn't fit and I'm determined to make it.  I'm not here out of convenience.   I'm in this because my heart and head and soul are present, humbled, adored and nurtured.  I want to be exactly where I am.  I am accepted as I am.... by one of the greatest friends I have known.... It's early though.  I can't imagine what a united front this will be in months or in years...and it's exciting.  We also haven't been in a fight yet... a few months in and no reason to fight.  THAT IS A FIRST FOR ME! 

So I didn't get a ring.... for which I was glad.  I know what I would say, now... at least.  (But I'm not telling you...)  And my best gift this year.... a ring that I didn't receive that allowed me to live deeply in my PRESENT.

Pardon, savez-vous Francais?

Je veux jeter la lumière!

Je veux être le soleil!

Je veux être la chaleur!

Un jour froid d'hiver!

Une couverture de amour pour mon aimé!

Translation: I want to be the light, I want to be the sun, I want to be the warmth, On a cold winter day.  A blanket of love for my beloved!

~Mme. Pamela McCreight~

I can feel you breathing...

It started with recalling one of my favorite quotes.... No, maybe it started at dinner... So I was sitting there feeding my most beautiful new niece the bottle of warm fluid she craved, gazing into her big blue eyes.  I kinda lost track of everything that was going on around me - the rest of my family and my most amazing boyfriend that is soon becoming a part of that piece faster than I can think it, all enjoying some good laughs before dinner was served.  I mislaid my convictions on her precious face, happily savoring the noise around us.  It was a bonding moment, for sure, but I couldn't help but notice what a lucky kid she is.  Born into a family to include two loving doting parents, a smart and beautiful big sister, the best grandparents in the world, a cousin who thinks she's the bee's knees, an auntie that loves her to the moon and back.... all sitting around a big table sharing a moment.  Maybe it wasn't noticed by all.  Maybe it was only special to me.  But regardless - it was a moment.

Before my soul was born into this life... before my eyes opened for the very first time,  I bought a ticket.  I didn't know where I was going or what lay ahead of me.  I can only use my experiences to associate... like the day I purchased tickets to ride the Euro rail for the first time ever, except there is no planning on my part.  Money exchanged hands and I could only imagine what I was going to witness... I just knew it was a ride through France, Belgium and Germany.  I brought all kinds of things to keep my brain occupied on the long trip... but I never needed those distractions... Old buildings, Farmers working, Slums by the rail side, Vineyards and vineyards and vineyards, Green rolling hills and Steep jagged mountainsides, Rivers and streams and EARTH I had never seen before... I couldn't remove my face from the window.  It was exciting... amazing... breathtaking. 

But so is my life.  Yeah, things have happened in my life that I sometimes wish hadn't... or choices I wish I would have made differently.  Who doesn't?  I've been asking God for faith and willingness to let go.  I think it has been an important part of my current process.  Stuff happens.  Even the slums by the rail side were awesome to witness.   And in the end, I still managed to make it to my destination with a new knowledge.... cars on blocks happen everywhere.  The landscape is always different... but makes for a great distraction on the journey.

I find myself in a moment in time that I, for once, did not create on my own.  So many instances of God in my life lately that it's almost hard to breathe... and it makes me cry, joyfully of course.  Like meeting my friend Jeff... not knowing of his existence a day beforehand, rescuing my sorry butt off the side of the road.  On the ride back to help, we discovered that we shared a mutual friend... who later in the summer passed away in a tragic car accident.  He's been great for me... as I hope I've been able to help him cope... and that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't known each other a minute prior.  Or like the circumstances that brought me very close with my family again... I nearly lost touch with why they are important people in my life - being caught up in my own drama.  I am close enough to be here now, especially for my mother and father, especially today as they deal with my Dad's medical struggles.  When my parents are gone, which I pray doesn't happen anytime in the near future, I will remember these days... mostly the love - how much they love me and I them.   Like the understanding I've found in my child and the peace that comes with being a responsible loving parent and watching how that all comes to fruition when he hugs me every night.  Like the friends in my life... Like the place that I work....The little opportunities that find me... and the ones I find...like the beautiful sunrises and sunsets... cotton ball clouds and jagged mountaintops... And last but not least... the man in my life.  It sounds lame, but I know he was hand picked. 

God throws a brick through your window when you don't listen.... He, like a parent, will take you by the shoulders and shake things up.  When you land - you figure out the purpose.  Had I not bought the ticket... I wouldn't be on this ride.  My ideas of love and life would would still be set....  I can stand proud and strong; traveling the rails of sulmagundi my train has rounded a corner and brought me to this terribly beautiful landscape I now call my life.

Life is messy.  Life is also sweet.  I think that it's the "finally coming to terms" gig with me lately.  I can feel it... the love, the beauty, what's important and what is not.  I feel like I am engaging in the ride fully, this very moment, right now.  The train is barrelling along... and I bought the ticket.  I'm taking the ride.  I am amazed at the beauty of the WHOLE landscape...

So as I caressed that sweet baby's head to sleep, I could feel her deep breathing... I hope she will know how exquisite this ride can be... 

"Buy the ticket, take the ride." ~Hunter S. Thompson

Dear Chickenheart....

I don't know what is up with my brain the last few days.  I close my eyes and then the picture show starts up full blow.  Dreams have been strange lately - which has me looking deeper into their subconscious meaning (cause I'm like that.)

Monday started by my lids falling heavy.  Just hours before I was lucky enough to catch lunch with the boyfriend, since I didn't have class and didn't have to work.  We had a great conversation over lunch... but it brought back memories - some bad ones where my non-reactions were always misconstrued as indifference that was completely and totally unacceptable.  For the rest of the day my brain went to my common reaction to most things.  I've always been laid back, for the most part.  But I'm also the metaphorical pot of water... occasionally known to boil over.  One time, after being picked on by my x-husband for days and days I got real tired and frustrated.  I threw a box of mother cookies at him and nailed him in the back of the head followed by a "GET THE F- - - - OUT!"  While it was instant relief for my frustrations... I've thought about how stupid it was... especially since I winged those tasty morsels so hard that every single one in the box was crushed beyond enjoyment.  BUT, I did make cheesecake crust with them... so it wasn't a total waste.  What did my reaction accomplish really?  It was just an outward show of anger that could have been handled totally different.  This I know... and this I regret.  And I've tried ever since to think things through first.  These thoughts throughout the day lead to dreams where I reacted to nothing.... Nothing good, nothing bad... all instances that required something - a smile, a tear, a red face.... but I did nothing.  I stood back and watched my house burn, my child die, a baby being born.... but no reactions. 

Tuesday found me dreaming of walking down the isle... oh yes, getting married.  I was hanging on to the most recent X's arm.  When we got to the alter, he was giving me away - but to whom I do not know.  I just remember that no matter how hard I tried to untangle my hand from his arm it wouldn't come loose and it ruined my whole day.

Last night... Ugh.  My hair was grey and my body felt old.  I was drinking a cup of tea and staring out of the window at my son and my X, my awesome boyfriend, his X and her child playing just outside.  All together and nothing seemed weird - at least to them.  None of them had aged a bit.  None of them noticed me at all. 

I think the visions last night were spawned by a moment that I had for mere seconds.  The boyfriend, child and I went for some Chinese and then the new Harry Potter movie.  As we were enjoying our respective soups, Rory and I shared a moment.... it was something that the X, Rory and I used to do when we had Chinese - dig through the green onions sweetly floating atop the warm broth in search of hearts.  When one was found, we'd pass it to another and let them know how much we loved them.  Boyfriend doesn't like onions.  For all the good times that I've had regardless of the bigger dreary picture of before, I was a bit sad.  But was reminded while in the theatre that new touching moments are always around the corner.  That in itself is exciting.

The culmination of all of my recent dreams finds fear... fear of what, dear chickenheart?  All things happen for reasons that we may or may not know.  All of my life, regardless of where I stood I was and am properly taken care of.  I have all the love I need through myself, my child, my family, my friends.... and generally: the universe - it provides if we are willing to see it.

So.... what is it that you're really afraid of?  Really.

Are you tall enough to stand behind?

It is, after all, a question I have found myself asking frequently throughout my life.  I've spent a lot of time with folks in the past that had a tendency to break me down instead of holding me up or standing behind me.  It left me with questions of my self worth... which is worthless.  It's the kinda stuff that brings your confidence to nil.  My motto is, especially the last 6 months, people are just people... but somehow I neglected to apply it to me, myself and I.

The last few days over the holiday I've spent a lot of time at boyfriend's side.  Right at this very moment, as I sit in my bed alone ( :o\ ), propped up, hammering away at this ol' keyboard trying to gather my thoughts of the beautiful and amazing time that we've shared... I think he is one of the wisest men I know.  Maybe it's because he knows exactly what I need to hear at the exact right moment.  He inadvertently wipes out and deletes programming that has been set for years... for years of hearing about all the things that I do wrong or all the personality traits that I have that are absolutely terrible... he pipes up about exactly why things that I thought were awful about myself are actually some of my most strong attributes to him. 

After my friend's memorial service today, some of my girlfriends and I had lunch.  I relayed to them, if it goes no further than it has between he and I, I have learned one valuable lesson.... there are good guys out there... and I am worth the happiness I seek.  There is no turning back.  Life doesn't have to be so hard.  There are good guys out there... and I am now the proud owner of that proof.

During my date tonight, Boyfriend (with ESPN) says if it were all to end today - I hope you at least walk away knowing you are worth it.  Me - worth it - yep.  He said something about being happy too... feeling is mutual.  (We decided that we don't want it to end, though... so continue:) I still have a hard time buying it all... mostly because THIS is not like anything I have ever been a part of.  There is no comparison.  This isn't my comfortable normal.  There is no drama.  There is awesome communication.  There is a great desire to see each other succeed.  There is no mock up or fake props.  The best part is - my ego hasn't showed up for this event.  I don't have to fight to be myself - so she stays away.  It's like we fit together (going out on a limb here) like we were made for one another in every way.  Now, I know that it's only been a few months... and I also know that we RECENTLY kicked it up a notch.  I also understand that we don't live together and we spend a lot of time apart due to circumstances.  But every time we are together I walk away with this feeling - Where the heck have you been all my life???? HuH?

Maybe... because this isn't the first time that we've bumped into each other... I had to learn some lessons the hard way to be more appreciative of my here and now.  I have to tell you this quirky cute sickly sweet little story - My most recent X and I dated before... about 12 years ago or so.  When he broke it off that time, I kinda went on this partying binge with my girlfriends.  I met a lot of guys at the bar... to include my X-husband.  The night I met the X-husband (who was my best friend's blind date) I bumped into Matt.  He was a raft guide... I remember how easy he was to talk to and how much we had in common then.  BUT, alas the X-husband had me in his cross-hairs and I didn't stand a chance.  Matt eventually became a part of my story - I shoulda pursued the river rat instead of the dirty rat... I heedlessly kept him alive in my heart, I guess, for a later date to be announced at the most convenient time.  So this Matt guy becomes interested in using his Art degree to teach kiddos... and a chance meeting to pass off information regarding my employer had us bumping into each other again.  I didn't realize it right away that day, till he turned just so and I caught his profile - instant recognition.  He'll tell you that as soon as it clicked in my brain I had some silly grin on my face that couldn't have been removed with a jackhammer.  That was in June.  It took me a while to fully come around... as he told me this evening... all the way down to the first kiss.  And then the kiss after that - were we couldn't really get the job done because I was smiling too much.  It's a great story... and makes me beam stupidly when I think about it.  I am, after all, Scots-Irish... and that's part of the accord - the folklore.

So back to my question.  Am I tall enough to stand behind?  You know... get behind me ride my crazy train for a while... Be with ME.  My answer is undoubtedly yes.... It's not this shaky idea that I feel would be nice to 'achieve'.  My answer is - I have always been worthy of being treated like a human.  I have always been deserving of love.  I am not a possession.  I am not a punching bag.  I am not all of those things that other mirrors have reflected... for their own self preservation.  Maybe by keeping me low I would never realize these facts: I have value.  I am a part of this world just the way I am. 

I can't say it enough lately... but I am one lucky kid.  I have such an amazing life... an awesome miracle baby that lights my every day and night too, a tremendously strong family that I love to the ends of the earth and beyond, incredibly supportive and loving friends that I would do anything for... and if that wasn't good enough, I have been blessed with more days on this side of the grass with such a good hearted, intensely loving and wickedly handsome man.  Not only do I feel tall enough...but connected, grounded and worthy.  Lucky and happy... and grateful.  It's a good place to be.

Askew... Ask YOU!

Yeah... I had to share this one. Since completing my Florence + The Machine collection this summer... I'm always ready for more... and stumbled across this sexy remix. Love her.

Something is rotten in Denmark. I mean, it has to be - right? Here I am - ME - in love! And here's the thing... I keep waiting for him to jump out with the BOO face yelling - "Just kiddin!" Seriously. He is so sweet and so good to me there has to be something up... I'm a lucky girl. This man single handedly kicked up my Lady Death collection! (Woohoo! Who's Lady Death? WHAT! Bite your tongue! Only the coolest female comic character EVER!!!) He is awesome to bring home to the parents, kid loves him, friends love him, he's good looking, funny, artistic, AND.... he rubs my feet.

He's pretty much opposite from all the men I've ever been with and it's very scary. I don't know how to respond to the lack of drama. I also don't know how to feel about being accepted as I am... or loved on such an intellectual and physical level. All of this is not nearly as scary as feeling like damaged goods most times. Am I giving enough back? For the last several months I've felt like a sham. Trying to rapidly reprogram my brain and desperately trying to get over some things that I knew would take time. There was a moment the other night where he and I were very close. Now, in my pre-exclusive relationship with this man I did some serious investigation. I know HE would never hurt me... he would never hurt a flea. This I do know. But, with one slow moving hand that made its way around my neck mid-kiss I freaked out. Tears, blubbering, it was a foolish mess. My brain took me right back to that house, with that other man, hand around my neck with a much different purpose. What the hell! So he tells me: I'm glad you are comfortable enough to cry around me... we just won't do that... I'm sorry... you aren't damaged goods.

I am a crazy mess at times. It is the biggest comfort knowing that whatever I am, I am loved. But I think... instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop... or finding strangeness in my situation... I'm going to enjoy every moment of this. He's got the love.....

Morning Poetry: in the afternoon...

I had a hard time deciding weither or not to post this poem.  Mostly, because I wrote it for and with one soul in mind.  But he got to read it first... and gave me go ahead to post his piece.  Considering the context of my blog... here goes nothin!

Feeling Foreign

How does it make you feel,

He says,

As if I know in my heart,

What my head alleges.

As if my head knows,

What my heart expresses.

But I am free to design,

The new constructs of my mind.

BUT Heart, heart, heart.

Not intellectualizing my emotions,

Makes them difficult to reach,

But I will do your bidding.

(Because I love you.) 

My body warms,

My mouth grins.

My heart skips ahead.

I am physically yours,

My composition ticks.

I feel like I am traveling,

In a space I do not know well.

Traveling, like you,

In a crazy world.

When you are gone,

You are gone too long, love.

When you are near,

You are never nearly near enough.

When you smile,

My Handsome man,

I get lost in your sapphire blue eyes,

For years and years and years,

Where you and I dance under the stars,

Where my head against your chest,

Is the perfect rest,

For your chin.

Fitting like a nail in wood,

Building and constructing,

The un-perfect perfect.

As we hang on for the ride,

Of life and love,

Mingling new and old,

And desire and hope.

But for now,

Smitten and anxious.

Mostly unknowing.

When you cry, dear one,

I want to gently stroke,

The pains from your brow,

And banish them from your heart,

Or at least help you understand,

That I understand,

That you understand.

Hearts break when you love,

It’s a chance you take,

Chances taken,

I take and you take.

When you grab my hand,

You grab my heart, boy.

I feel like an aged fawn,

Hunted and captured,

With ardor not gun.

And for a moment,

I can see my life played out,

In fear and fretfulness,
Elation and relief.

When I cradle your noble face,

In the palms of my hands,

I can feel this to my core:

A new adventure I have no,

Business passing by.

Shaking my foundations,

And building not on,

The sands of before,

But with stone and mortar,

On the mountainside of,

Fresh infatuation;

Considerate friendship;

And adulations that seem no end.

Not in my eyes.

And not in my heart.

I feel silly!

I feel silly,

For apperceiving so early on.

I feel bold and daring.

I feel the excitement of a child,

But at most I feel that,

Love in you,

And in I is by far,

An amazing trip,

One of the most exciting of,

Foreign countries. 

~Mme. Pamela McCreight 2010~

Travelling the speed of light...

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

by e e cummings

I love e e cummings mostly because he just puts his thoughts to paper.  He didn't typically use punctuation or capitalization.  He just let er rip.  He didn't give two pence what the rules were or what people thought.  He let his words and thoughts be what they were.  It's impressive to say the least.  Which got me to thinking about a few things the last few days. 

First of, confinement.  Those rules that society, culture and other infiltrators place on us every single day of our lives.  We think this way because societal norms tell us to.  We want these things because every other Joe Blow wants them.  We are no longer able to grasp concepts with the vision of childhood.  Children haven't learned all of these confinements yet; we teach them, pass them down from one generation to another... picking up new ones along the way.  So the blank slate that beautiful babes are born with eventually become filled - just like mine currently is - with crazy rules that stifle the way we dress to the way we talk and think and most peculiar - love.

What if we ONLY taught our children the golden rule - do unto others... Could you imagine the explosion of creativity and thought and love?

Okay - I'm going out on a limb.  I recently read an article about genetics/ DNA and RNA and how science is doing fabulous things mapping out the specific arms of genes and how they are the road maps that determine our eye color, body shape even some personality and behavior.  But there is still a bunch they do not know... there is a lot of matter they have no idea what the use of it would be.  They have determined that it is possibly the recessive characteristics that we do not follow.  So when our cells continually reconstruct themselves, they use the same pattern over and over again.  A child born with a genetic liver condition will always have that liver condition - because the cells know no other way.

I also recently read an article that stated that a simple change of mind could have us taking different paths on our road map to life.  The power of our minds is not fully understood.  I try everyday to reprogram my master computer as I see fit.  Why is it that I believe it only works some of the time or for certain occasions?  What if, with simple thoughts, we could change our eye color.... WHAT???  And why would I think it was crazy to assume that we could possibly activate our recessive genes in order to work for us?  (And how many of you are reading this thinking I've lost my marbles.) 

Don't pretend like you've never had a far out and odd thought.  Might I suggest you tell someone about it.  I just did - and it is quite liberating.

Now, Mr. Cummings not using proper punctuation also makes me think about individuality.  While he is writing with his own unique style he tells a story about how the love of his life is always near.  If not in person, he carries her with him via her essence; her heart.  Most contradictory to the standard Webster dictionary entries of individual. 

I've been having some great email conversations with a dear friend lately.  They are very spiritual in nature with an extreme mete out style.  She has shared a great deal about her own personal experiences that reflect my very own.  And having lived  a parallel existence, has some amazing words of wisdom.  But she's not the only one lifting me up these days.

It's nice to know that individuality and dependence can co-exist proven by my fellow humans sharing their life experiences with me.  It's a simple thought: I want you in my life but I don't need you.  I need you in my life because you lift me up (not hold me down.)

I've always felt that I needed to have my own identity but could never balance that identity with my desire to share my life with another.  It could be as simple as not having the right person in my life.  It could be that I wasn't emotionally or mentally mature enough to fully understand the sovereign nature of the matter.  Regardless, here I am.  And I feel like things are falling into place for once.  Hard as it is sometimes, I've contracted this "It is what it is" attitude.  It hides from me occasionally when I become unsure of myself, or when I feel like my head is going to spin off from all of these changes pulling out my insecurities and doubt that I can do this.  But it's getting much easier.

I read this cummings poem last weekend.  I instantly thought back to it in a flash yesterday... I sent word out via text that my sis-in law was at the hospital with baby shortly to follow.  I got one back that said - Wish I was there.  Ugh.  Heart in my throat, fluttery butterflies, and true faith that whatever trip I'm on - I just might be using the right road map these days.  Even though he wasn't present physically, he was present... I was carrying his heart, and he mine.

Phrenic blitzkreig...

Yeah, I did it.  I jumped off the ledge of love.  But as I'm falling - I keep noticing the drag... you know, the kind that keeps you from falling fast and hard.  A slight uplifting draft trying to push me back up.  So I had to sit and think yesterday.  Seriously, this isn't my typical style.  What is my problem?

My boyfriend is hot, yes.  But he is so many other things.  He's the kind of guy that will open doors, pull out your chair and order for you.  But he's also the kind of guy that allows me to be strong and independent and open my own door when I want without his feelings being hurt.  Our first kiss - he didn't ask to kiss me.  He didn't have to.  So he reads me quite well.  He's the kind of guy that walks next to me, not 10 feet in front or behind me... and he holds my hand - something that I'm trying to get used to (it's not hard at all.)  He is sweet, kind and caring.  He is spiritual.  He has such a lovable good-nature.  He's on a charity trip this weekend! ( :o(  <--pouty because I want him close more often than not.)  He's taking comic books to a boy in Seattle that is dying from cancer.  He took a big part in creating these books.  The boy is the lead character - wanted to be a Superhero through the Make a Wish foundation.  And now he is forever immortalized in Comics - as a hero.  How awesome is that????  This man melts my heart and is closer to my soul than any man that I have had the pleasure of knowing.  He, in every sense, is like my missing puzzle piece.  He fits me!  His views on life and love and soul are strikingly similar to my own.  I feel like we're on the same team (for once!  a teammate!)  I could go on and on... about how I feel that God played a big role in why he is in my life.  Even if it doesn't work the way I hope it does, I am so thankful to be able to step outside of my box and let this be what it is.... as hard as that is to do.

So all of this amazing subculture what is my deal?

I think it is fear.  Fear that I may place him on my proverbial pedestal... Shine light on his face and not allow him to be human because I have constructed this perfect image of him or this ideal picture of us.  Fear that I am closer to my past than I am to my present and future, maybe?  Fear of the unknown.  Fear that all those things I have been told that I was up to this point are true and I will always have the same problems - just as proclaimed - no matter where I go.  And what if he puts me up on the pedestal... and I let him down?  Have I been entirely myself through this process?  Is he in love with the me that I think I am?

I had a moment yesterday where I was cuddling this soft, sweet smelling babe.... about 4 weeks old.  I could feel my body turn to mother mode, you know - pats on the bottom, swaying back and forth,  humming under my breath, seeing nothing but light.  To me and my heart, babies are perfection.  I love children.  That's why I want to be a teacher.  That's why I want to be a mother.  Sometimes I have to stop and wonder if it is my great love, or if it is just that animalistic nature - where we are all programed to breed and populate... just like every other living thing.  But I don't think so.  When I was young, that was my heart's desire.  When I was 20, same.  30?  Oh yeah... still the same.  Having an awesome little family unit of my own, a great partner in crime and babies to chase around.  Everything else, I imagined, would fall into place - job, location, whatever other concerns life throws.  I just wanted to be a woman that could spread her love to her family - hold my man and my children when they needed, and nudge them when they needed.  But to ALWAYS stand by them... to have them stand beside me too.  Not controlled or swayed, just a good life lead by unseen hands... with stuff that builds character and depth of relationship.  It's way more to me than genetic encoding to go forth and procreate.

I thought I had something close when I was with my x-husband.  But found once issues arrived in a bouncing bundle of joy, aka Rory with huge hospital bills and a grime outlook, that Rory and I weren't worth standing by.  He duck tailed and ran off with his friends and avoided us most of the time.  He was upset that medical bills were going to interfere with his lifestyle... and to this very day, even being ordered by the court to pay half of those costs, rarely does he.  But he does have some cool cars and a nice house and a woman who stands behind those things.... so his vision and mine did not coincide.

And here I am, to start all over again.  It's scary, mostly because I am 33 years old.  It takes time to build up to something as I envision.  Something my heart yearns for.  And it's depressing because try as I might, it may never come to fruition.  And while I'll gladly fall off my ledge into love with a super awesome man whom I believe shares the same desires, you really never know.  To see that vision and try to cram your situation into that box is not allowing it to grow and be what it is meant to be.  It scares me because I don't want to take my preconceived notions with me on this journey.  But, I've let go of so many things up to this point... and I'm trying really really hard to let go of this one vision... I just feel like this desire is part of what makes me who I am. 

Damn my analytical mind and all these silly constricting mental dilemmas.  But you never know unless you try.  So I'm just going to do my best, I suppose, and see how that works out for me.  What will be will be... (rapidly trying to reprogram...)

What will be will be!

Morning Poetry

Oh, sorrowful heart of mine,

Where did the time go?

Sworn lifetime love in line,

Lost to the sea of character,

But remembered with tears,

And faded memories,

And fears.

Oh, misplaced head of mine,

What will you do now?

Endurance in strife and grief and time,

Burgeoning  suspicions of fortitude,

Quieted only by an inner quest,

And unrequited hope,

And rest.

Oh, lost soul of mine,

Where will you find your comfort?

In the eyes of love and life.

Patiently waiting for further stars to align,

Known not destined alone,

And hems are matched up,

And sewn.

Oh, asomatous parts of mine

What is this?

Ovid’s good is like wine,

Seeking and searching a place,

Where heart and head and soul are one,

And love is not lost,

But begun!

Inspired by Ovid: "Bear and endure: This sorrow will one day prove to be for your good."

And it has....

 

~Mme. Pamela McCreight 2010~

Need some crackers, Casper?

Cheese.  It's what's on the menu lately.  As soon as I told my heart it was okay... it shoots off into the sky like a rocket batted from Cape Canaveral.  And I haven't seen neither hide nor hair of it since.  It isn't every day that I let it get away... in fact, hardly ever.  I can count on one hand, actually.  And each time, I fall into this sappy sweet sickening mess.... It got me to thinking about how my CHEESE is perceived.

The first time, I was in high school - freshman year.  I dated this boy that I had a mad crush on.  He wasn't just any boy... he was on the football team, tall and handsome and I figured out of my league.  As soon as the sparks started flying (in our two week soiree) and I wrote love notes, drawings and the like, the kid left a rooster tail of mud and deep tracks trying to get away from me....

The second time, I was still in high school (senior year) and I was dating this man that was a few years older than me.  It took me a while to come around to the love quotient... but when I did, he actually reciprocated.  He was a flowers and love notes kind of guy... I was a love notes and mixed tape kind of girl.  It was a lot of fun till he lost his crackers... and I had nothing to pair with my cheese.

The third time, which I thought would be the charm, came right after the second.  I fell so hard and so fast with very little warning.  But he didn't have enough bark to catch the sap... so it oozed to the ground and made a sticky mess of everything.  When I got a chance to further that connection a decade later, it happened all over again, like I didn't learn a thing the first time around.  I spent some time thinking about what are common stumbling blocks in ANY relationship (even those with no romantic interest) and decided on a little game.  I proudly purchased all of the crap I needed to construct this little game.  The idea was - every time you felt appreciation towards your partner, you would place a shiny heart in their jar... just to let them know, even if you didn't get around to personally doing so.  I sunk a lot of thought into this one.  When the gift was received, I got accused of fabricating a competition.  I was a love letters, poetry writing, mixed tape, silly gifts, thoughtful gestures kind of a girl that had no outlet.  So I shut the faucet off and I haven't used it in a few years.

Now, as I know that it will happen at any moment since I have allowed myself the option of loving again... I think something got stuck in the pipes.  I have a feeling that once obtrusive object is removed... somebody better watch themselves.... either he or me... I haven't decided.  We already gross people out because we act like a bunch of crazed buffoons.  And little non-monetary tokens, such as words, have been slightly exchanged.  Just hope he has galoshes... cause I sense a cut loose... a dam busting open... and I'll do it as good as any white girl can...

Cheese... who'da thunk.  What a dork.

Lucky Dawg, You!

I was woken by a 4 foot tall zombie boy this morning wishing me a Happy Halloween.... ready to put on his costume and hit the beat streets.  I made breakfast - bacon and French Toast.  I sat around for a while doing my homework.  It's was hard to focus.  I keep thinking about the last few days, maybe the whole week.  It took me a while but now I feel like a very lucky girl.

Although, like most, I can settle into my very own pity party quite well.  And even though I get scared about what lay ahead of me and continually look to my past - wishing to sink back into things that are more familiar.  I made a pact with myself yesterday morning.  No more moping.  I have nothing to fear.  Regardless of the circumstances that I have faced in my life, I am still breathing and still surviving.  And 9 times out of 10, I rather enjoy myself.

My child, after being severely bummed out about not being able to hear better earlier in the week, is happy today.  He tells each day to "Bring it on!"  He loves life and grabs at it.  Today, you would never know about the events of the last few days of his life.  So I ask him - what do you do to be so happy every day?  To which he tells me, "Why wouldn't I be happy!  It's Halloween and the Broncos are going to win today!"  Then he's back to playing crash em with his cars. 

So why wouldn't I be happy?  Regardless of where my life has taken me - it has brought me to this moment in time.  I've learned a lot about myself.  I've learned a ton about real hurts and ego battles.  I've learned about true care and wishful thinking.  Mostly, I've learned about love.  There is always more than one reason to be happy... always.  My kid is the best.  I know that God specifically matched us up to take care of each other on so many levels!

Then, out of nowhere, I am blessed with the presence of this guy... I asked him just how in the world did we ever bump into each other like we did.... (just because that hopeless romantic in me wanted to see if he saw it all as a blessing too.  Apparently I need to thank my friend Layla!)  Granted, we don't live together and aren't harnessed by real life currently.  But this is so much different than any experience ever.

I've armed myself with prior lessons.  This is where my head is today.  Are these lessons hindering me?  They make me afraid to jump off the top of the mountain I find myself on.  I'm scared to grab my wings and catch the next jet stream... see where it takes me.  So I stand on the ledge with the tips of my toes hanging over trying to find my balance. 

What I can say, this time around is that this is my own gig.  I don't have friends whispering in my ear about how I should feel and what I should say or how I should go about the catch and/or release.  And maybe that's why I am afraid.... afraid to rely on my own gut and my own feelings.  Afraid to get hurt maybe.  But as the great Benny Franklin once said: Do not fear... You will always know failure.. You have to keep reaching out... or you die.  Well - I am not ready to wither and die.

I've shared a number of amazing moments with this man - ones that I know for certain my heart won't let me forget.  And as odd as it seems to me - the hopeless romantic using fairytale stories as my north star - things are falling into place - I'm not steering the bus, and even if I tried, it would go where it's gonna go anyway.

After reading that tidbit from Mr. Franklin, my heart instantly swelled and my eyes filled with blurry tears.  Mostly because I feel like such a lucky girl.  It released so much fear and made me all warm and fuzzy inside.  It made me feel like it is okay to jump off the cliff.  It's okay to fall in love.  It's okay to accept second chances.  And if for some strange reason things don't work, there are plenty of other things to be happy about.  Misery is always optional.  Always. 

I am a lucky, LUCKY girl.

Late night Ramble

You have 1 minute to say what is on your mind.  What do you ramble about?  Me - Ugh.  About how it would be better if my mind were asleep.  Thinking of so much amazing new... and so much comfortable old.  One minute, what would I say?

I miss you!

But I love him!

I mean, I think I do.

But I’m spinning out of control,

A million miles before I land,

Into a million pieces in a pile.

Trying so hard to understand,

If my heart even feels,

Or if my brain makes waves.

Because I thought I was dead.

But my smile is big!

And my laugh is loud!

And I adore my life!

I love someone new!
But I miss you.

Didn’t know it was possible,

To combine the two.

But I will and I do.

I am me now.

Even with him.

Even without you.



Fudoubleck!

Life sometimes coils you up like one of those armored rollie-polie bugs.  Then it extends its middle finger and flicks - sending you flying through the air like a torpedo headed for the Arizona.  Bad imagery?  I'm sure of it.

So, I call the county court house last month and speak to this lovely doll on the phone.  My question for her was this:  If I, by chance, decided that a lifetime restraining order is no longer serving its purpose, how would one go about removing said order?  She tells me that I have to fill out some paperwork, answer some crazy questions, turn it in to the division and the case judge usually signs the paperwork and returns it to me to have served to the opposing party.  She mentioned that there could be a slight chance that the judge will decide that a hearing is necessary, in which case both parties would need to be present for the orders to be dismissed.  I decided to take my chances and hope that no hearing would be necessary.  I filed the paperwork and said a little prayer.  Oh, I got papers back in the mail to have served... but they were notifying me that the judge believes a hearing is necessary.  DAMN.  Yeah, I was kicking myself in the ass and wondering why I thought my odds would be good...

But just like that rollie-polie, able to take a hit, unwind and trot along... Just as my thoughts turned grim and bleak... all I wanted was to remove any possibility that I could be an interdiction in his life.  It was me putting an end to all connection... setting the bird completely free from the cage.  I just remember that every time he got pulled over while I was in the vehicle with him - Johnny Lawman would always ask for my name - since he does have another restraining order against him.  I didn't want ME and my ego to be just another thorn.  However, I don't feel it necessary to see him, let alone be in the same room... or standing in close proximity of him.  I was just about to change my mind... when some sweet understanding man placed a different idea in my brain.  He said something to the tune of: Maybe this is YOUR chance to end it on a completely different playground... end it in better light. 

After the week I've had... After the year I've had.... sometimes it's hard for me to positively see all sides of an issue.  Something that I am normally very proficient at.  But when you're rolled up and thrusting forward at high velocity, unaimed... it's hard to wrap a brain around everything.  Especially my brain.  I have to spend some time telling a few thank you, publicly.  Seriously.  Some of the extended conversations that I've had with a few family members and some of the experiences that I unknowingly share with new friends and old friends... and now this man...

This man that has come into my life mysteriously and has invaded my space and my cerebellum... has talked me through (especially this week) with grace and sweetness and without ulterior motives.... We've approached this whole deal as a "friends" with a few other benefits kind of deal, which worked out perfectly for both of us coming straight out of long term relationships.  We actually enjoy each other's company and Double C=CLOD or CRETIN - It's how I feel right now.  I've made nearly every excuse in the book to keep this man at arms length.  Every once in a while I let him in to play and I thoroughly enjoy myself.  I think he had something really big he was going to tell me tonight - and I laughed at him and made a stupid joke.  Way to go numskull...

So... I'm like this coiled up armored bug, flying through the air, totally misguided... suffering from heartbreak and yammering on and on about my past and how I should have done things a little differently and how I will do things differently.  He just looks at me sincerely and asks me questions and tells me that all these things are pieces of me - so how is he ever going to fully know me without knowing where I've come from.  It's almost like he's running around with this mattress- back... forward... right... right... left - trying to anticipate where I might land in order to catch me.  Yes, I said mattress on purpose.  I'm still alive, aren't I.  I don't know that I've ever allowed anyone that thought I was worth while catch me.  I fall a lot...

I don't know that I've ever had a current boyfriend tell me that it would be AWESOME to end things on a better note with a past boyfriend. 

Now you understand my odd opening imagery.... right?

SO...fuDoubleck-ing AWESOME!

What I do know...

All I want to know is who made up all of these rules?  My whole entire life people have "suggested" what I am to believe or what I am to do or how I am supposed to be.  And for the most part, I have listened to them to some extent; only to find myself completely confused and lost.  I didn't know who I truly was all this time - and still getting familiar with myself today.  I had to split open my guts and grow some balls to be who I think I am without all of these societal and cultural barriers that have been set before me in days of past.  Maybe, while reading my blogs, you feel that I'm over the top.  Maybe you think I'm one of those peace loving hippie tree-huggers.  Maybe you think I'm some crazy woman and you can pin-point my neurosis.  I can honestly say - today - I don't care.  Today I feel more in touch with myself than ever before. 

All this thinking started with an email that I got from someone I don't talk to.  In days of past, I would have patted myself on the back for winning the approval of my unknown peers.  But all this email did was make me angry.  How can you pass judgment - good or bad - when you don't really know me or my life.  How can you deduct the scenarios that I have lived and breathed without being in the moments of my life with me? 

All of this thinking started when someone, very heartfelt mind you, asked me what it is that I really want in my forward moving life.  There are many things - from what I want to do with my life to where I want to go.  Specifically in regards to relationships, however, I had one answer.  Acceptance.  From acceptance stems all of the other lofty ideas I have about the ideal relationship and love.  And the token goes both ways - complete acceptance of another and another's complete acceptance of me. 

I always used to say that I wish I could build a man.... I would take the best parts of all those I have been involved with and shape and sculpt my perfect partner.  Mostly because I've had these ideas shoved down my throat by friends and family and religion and society and culture as to how all of this is supposed to go down.  But it lacks luster and it isn't what finding love is all about. At least not for the real me.

I listened to a man giving advice to one of his dear friends one day.  He said "That's not love, if she's willing to hit you, that ain't love brother."  All while he was trying to console a friend that just suffered through a drunken domestic violence event in his life that shattered his whole outlook.  Then a mere few months later, the same man raised a hand to me.  I remembered those words he spoke.  I also remembered the utter bliss I felt in December of last year after a few hard weeks when I thought it was over.  Our reunion was nothing short of magical... I never felt more loved in my entire life.  Ever.  So with the spoken words, and the magnetic events of months prior streaming simultaneously through my skull I was one confused woman.  Top that off with mementos from other judging outsiders spewing pearls my way... I thought my head was going to spin off and land on some distant planet. 

In the aftermath, many people offered the same advice as the man with a forgetful tongue.... It wasn't love.  Or I have no idea what love is.  Or the most recent "I need to find someone that is normal for once." 

In prior days I had no clue what to think.  I allowed outsiders to cloud the rulings of my heart and head.  The most troublesome situations came at the cost of mass confusion.  My voice being drowned out by the thoughts of others.  Whereas, the here and now, after receiving the thoughts of the masses I pat myself on the back anyway.  I have been able to stick to what I believe.  And this is what I know:

I went to a progressive church with a friend on Sunday.  Typical Pamela would have said "that was great!" or just a simple "thank you!" with my honest thoughts left to myself.  While I embrace my spirituality and am receptive to positive messages, I also understand that my relationship with God is found when my brain is blank and my soul is quiet.  My temple is me and my offering is myself.  And my peace is in quiet meditation.  My actions of being good to all those around me and doing what I can to be the leaning post - holding others up is my religion.  I celebrate my God by seeing God in everyone and every thing.  While I appreciated the message on Sunday, I didn't feel it and I said so.   I SAID so... I actually said what I felt.

I received this email a few days ago, and I didn't respond because it didn't deserve my attention.  I surround myself with individuals that I can help or that can help me.  And I have a firm belief that we are all capable of good and bad, even me.  We are all just people learning how to do this life thing making choices... it's all a choice, free will.  We don't always make the best decisions, or have the right intentions.  Some, including me, have a harder time than others.  It's finding a balance between love, ego and intention and knowing which direction we truly want to go.   It becomes harder with all the static buzz that goes on around our ears.  Responding to the email would have gone against my honest opinion about the broached matter, and any response contrary would have been sent by anger and ego.  It is what it is, man.  The person(s) that I have chosen to spend my life and time with are just people.  Capable of good and bad.  Just like me.  End of story.

And as far as my conversation on Saturday about what it is that I really want in my life - acceptance.  When you begin a relationship you have this idealized version of the person you are with.  Maybe I'm taking the romance out of the situation, but honesty is key here.  You don't really know a person just yet.  It's when you face a struggle or a triumph that you can feel that soul connection to another.  Maybe your version of that person is spot on.  Maybe (as in the case with my x-husband) it's WAY off.  It becomes a matter of expectation and not true reality.  I fully realize this today.  Today!  (coulda made my life a bunch easier had I learned my lesson the first time)  I can't see myself jumping head-long into a relationship with another until I know them a bit.  And even then - I don't wanna move in or get married until I have a much better understanding.  I've never given myself that opportunity.  I can tell you - that over the last 6 months or so, I don't expect much.  I've also found that my level of disappointment has drastically fallen.  You know a person for who they are if you don't expect.  And if you can get to know that person and still feel that infatuation between bodies, love them when they do good and even when they are human and make mistakes, you have acceptance.  And from there, an honest and true bond.

In my heart I haven't been that far off.  I remember one night shortly after that most horrifying experience where I made it to bed before he did; I wasn't quite asleep - but no where close to awake.  One of my massive bruises lay exposed above the covers.  He gently stroked my arm, kissed my blue skin and hovered above me crying.  That meant more to me than the act that blemished my bark.  I snuggled closer that night.  I loved that man and accepted him, no matter what.  And maybe that's why I have such a hard time with all of this.  Had I just been listening to myself - my true gut, my insides, my soul... Life would be a bit different.  Likewise, I realize that I've had to go through all of this to make whatever comes my way from here on out more intense.  I will have a better appreciation for such a connection to myself; and from myself - to others.

That's what I know to be true today.  This is my philosophy.  I have to understand what my heart, head, soul, guts want without influence from outside of that spiritual orb.  I have to base my actions on this knowledge, from here on out.

Calling a Re-do!

A sneaky 12 got a peek at the earlier blog that I posted today.  I got various reactions from it - one of which thought I could unintentionally be hurtful to people in my life.  So I removed said blog - because hurting people is not on my agenda...I also had to remind myself - I am responsible for what I say; I am not responsible for how you understand....

Take two:

The outline of things-

I am a thinker.  Try to get between me and my thoughts sometimes, it's hard to do.  I usually get this blank stare and funny look on my face as my brain takes me places - good and bad.  It can happen at any time.  Sometimes right in the middle of normal conversation.  Through the years, I have learned that all that pops into my head should not be revealed.  It's mostly for self preservation.  I've found, when I say things and things are taken differently than they are meant it occasionally puts end to measures I am not ready to let go of.  So if I say nothing, then no harm no foul, and I can continue my existence with those I love (just sometimes annoyed...)  I think it's called stuffing.  I get my things out best by writing.  When I can put those thoughts down on paper or in a blog and can actually see them - sometimes I can change my thought process... always I can just get it out and free it from coming back... sometimes I can burn the words and use the process to my advantage - a symbolism of letting some ideas go (yes Mischa, I do that too.)  Sometimes I keep it in my journal because I want to hold on to things - it's just for me and my thoughts are really all that I truly own.  And sometimes I blog and share with the world because I have nothing to hide.

The disposition-

I am a silly, happy-go-lucky, lover of life.  I'm smart, I'm funny, and beautiful on the inside.  Sometimes, my analytical brain gets between me and my disposition.  Sometimes my ego gets the best of me - but I think I've learned well to shut that bitch up as she gets me nowhere fast and usually burns the house down.  (She's tied up in a dark basement somewhere.... I made sure of it.)

My current state of things is limbo.  Trying to sort out of the ashes of what was in order to power through to my next great adventure.  While I know that awesomeness is just around the corner, I feel that I need to figure out the where, why and how as to NOT go there again.  This is where I am at today.  The unrelenting need to know, so like a mad Holmes, I search every corner...

     Example:  Question: I want to know why a person that vows ever lasting love to you would physically hurt you.  And on the same hand, why a person, whom also vows ever lasting love, that has been physically hurt would look away, forgive, and grieve over such a loss?  Was it really that big of a loss? Investigation: When I was in 7th grade I lost my grandfather to lung cancer.  Most likely cause: smoking Camel bare-butts for umpteen million years.  I had a really hard time with it.  On one of my hard days - I came home from school in fear of losing MY parents - who also smoke.  I wasn't ready for that realism - so I flushed all of their cigs down the toilet.... it was half a carton.  I was lucky that I didn't plug the stool.  When my dad got home from work expecting his usual routine (coffee, fag, newspaper, throne) he couldn't find any cigarettes... He was pissed.  His ego and addiction got the better of him - and he started screaming at me without looking at me and my inability to handle the death of a person I absolutely adored, nor the fear of losing any of the others - including him.  He shoved me that day - so hard that I went from the hallway onto my bed, taking the blankets and mattress with me to the floor, then he proceeded to empty my spare change and dollar stash as my penance for flushing such priceless items down the commode. My dad is an awesome man and I look up to him.  This was an isolated incident that never happened before or since.  What I like most about my dad is that he gets things done and he does them right.  He doesn't cut corners and he reads manuals if in doubt.  I like that he started out as a drunken bafoon that decided the people in his life were more important and did something about it.  I like him because he is good to my mother and loves her with all of his heart.  I love him because he's my dad and he's there for me when I need him.  It may have taken me a few years to get over this incident - but I did.  (flip the coin over) You would find that on many levels, the X was an image of my father (your welcome, Freud) except he didn't have it in him to make a change or decide that the people in his life were far more important that his over abundant ego and anger about a childhood that he had no control over.  Things could have been different - but they aren't.  So I play with the cards that I have been dealt.

Oh... I have other questions... Like, does the world have an infinite amount of love?  When will I be done with this grieving process so I can move along like I so desperately want to?  How will I ever trust myself to honestly know another's true intentions?  What are other's true intentions?  How can I live in the present when everything present reminds me of something long gone?  Why does everyone tell me that what I went through isn't right - but I've lived through it before and all is well now?  Why can't I break the spell?  Why can't I move along?  Why did my mother always read me fairy tales?  Why can't I get my heart and my head and my soul on the same page?  Why does everything seem strange and out of place?  How is it possible to feel like a victorious traitor?  I need a sign - can I get a sign?

So I'm leaving work, turning onto Cascade, I happen to glance over to the beautiful lawn in front of the Fine Arts Center.  The bus stop bench grabs my attention.  It's plastered with a B&L Plumbing ad.  The X's place of employment.  Now, this could be construed many different ways... and trust me, my brain has been all over the map.  But I'm settling with this thought:  There are so many bus stops in this town.  And so many places to go.  It was just a stop along a route... It's just one of the many stops that I may make along my route that gets me to where ever I need to be.

The Plot - Hope in the air:

One of my most challenging on-going battles in my life started with a kiss.  I ended up pregnant, even though they told me I couldn't.  I had a seamless pregnancy, for the most part.  I was also told that I was carrying a healthy baby girl.  Now on April Fools day, I got the biggest surprise of my life, as we all know.  I am grateful to be a mother to one of the most loving, bright, silly, handsome kids I know.  He's a boy.  He's got Alagille Syndrome, Sticklers Syndrome and Pierre Robin Sequence.  I did what I had to when he was born, which was stand up, be strong and provide him with the best possible care and the most amazing doctors.  But for months I was truly and utterly depressed.  I went through a phase where I had to grieve that happy healthy baby girl I was expecting to see.  I never left Rory's side.  I loved him the moment I set eyes upon him and have never once stopped, please don't get me wrong.  But my foundation was shaken by the mere hopes falling through to true reality.  I questioned everything - things I did or didn't do as a pregnant mother.  Always thinking that it was my fault that my hopes and dreams were shattered.... until one day some wiley geneticist told me that it was really just the luck of the draw.  Genes swirling around in the shuffle don't always know which way to turn.

I don't give it any thought anymore.  I would never trade my kiddo for the world.  I'm so happy and so very lucky to have pulled the joker card.  He has graced my life in so many ways.  And these times I'm facing now will be in the same boat as that little girl that I had to let go of.  My true reality is always so much better than some of those crazy far out expectations and hopes.  I will overcome, with time.  And maybe - it really is just what's in the cards.

I'll try to lose my poker face though...  It's important that those that care know where I am at.

As the curtain rises - enter stage left...

So I've been writing away - and thought I would share the beginnings of my new masterpiece.  It's already been tweeked a few times - so this may not be the way it stays.... but for now, incomplete Chapter 1:

Into its Dance

            Sometimes gravity has some unusual rules.  It only governs the sway of inertial things, yet my pencil is moving constantly.  If dropped, it falls.  Gravity, the instrument that gives weight to matter.  It can pull worlds in, together.  It can push worlds light years, apart.  Apart. Distant. Separated.  Like millions of tiny molecules floating around in the Universe.  Sometimes they have the exact amount of electrons to fuse together.  Sometimes they repel each other.  When they do mix and mingle, they can create great things, such as the Earth on which I stand.  Or even the unified particles of water that lap and curl over the misplaced pebbles on the shore.  It briefly separates, and then trickles back to the body from which it came. Foamy and frothy as it is tossed just a smidgen harder and harder.  Washing misplaced tokens, shells and various debris from its salty grips.  But always returning back out to sea as bonded two hydrogen and one oxygen liquid.  Motion. Shift.  Movement.  Like the torrid tropical sea: beautiful and pristine, but at a moment’s notice churning and sloshing from the gales and tides.  Winds that blow from east to west or north to south or more directions all at once.  Roiling the waters into spray.  Systematically sculpting a new environment with every gust and thrust.  Like the dark angry clouds replacing the dancing fluffy white ones in my seamless blue sky.  For just an instant, remains a gaping hole where cerulean atmosphere shines through like sapphires.  The last of the shining bright light casting streams of crystal rays in every direction, as if to give hope.  Optimism.  Belief.  Faith.  Will humming under my breath reach you, through that fissure in the heavens?  Through the thick saline mist?  Through the squall howling like the chambers in my heart?  “He has to hear me.  Nothing breaks that bond.”  Not the wind, not the water and especially not gravity.